Sleepless Nights 2

Crap... I can't sleep... Again...

I'm looking towards alternatives like bloody sleeping pills or hypnosis though i doubt the latter would do any good.

Anyways, as promised, I will ramble on bout today. If you have any objections bout me being a blog-man-whore i.e. posting twice today, here's what i think. *Middle finger stretched out in all it's glory*

What was interesting today? Maybe it was the freaky occurence where everytime i look at the time, the numbers repeat itself. Examples: 18:18, 23:23. Coincidence or just oure unadulterated luck. Meh, it came and went.

Pops messaged me today, since we are Arsenal fans (Ngehehehe...) He was like 'Wah so fired up ah? Chill la...' Papa using those words. God I love my dad. I'm still waiting for his reply bout the 4-4 draw. Prolly he's gonna say things like 'Dang nigga, we almost won...' Okay, no, that was too much. That would be way too over, even for my dad (XD)

What else... Oh, oh, Pharmacology exams went okay. By okay i mean, The-questions-did-not-come-out-and-stab-me or The-questions-did-not-haunt-me. So yes, it went pretty okay. Kudos to Zap for the help on questions 1,2,3,4 and 16. What, a man has his rights to copy.

I am intrigued by Aleister Crowley. Fucker is my bloody idol nowadays... The way he lived his life can be symmed up very simply. "Be as weird as possible." I'm not kidding, this dude's weirdness goes beyond human level. Yet, that's the exact same reason why I'm in lov- no, i mean admire him. *Ahem*

I am seriously cutting down on my smoking... A box an now last for 3 days. That s a huge, gigantic, titanic leap for me. It's like jumping from KOMTAR to KLCC. Yes, metaphorically speaking. Why you ask? I have no idea. Prolly cause i need to. Meh, I'll most likely go back heavy once I'm back in M'sia. You know, with Dunhills everywhere. Temptations that i for one, will not be able to resist.

Dengan ini, saya menghentikan aksi mem-boycott Cure/Kedai Naser/Kedai Lipas/ Kedai dekat rumah yang selalu dapat makan free memalam. I can't take the evading and buat bodoh-ing Muhammad's and Naser's plea for me to eat at their shop. It's ridiculous. If I find a cockroach in my food then... I'll prolly go berserk and ask for bloody free 'firah (firakh?) mashwi (mashwee?)'s. Or I'll just undergo a total brain shutdown.

I believe thats what my sleep/oxygen dperived brain can think of. Till the next time I can't sleep, ciow.

The new Arsenal.

If you had read my older posts than you'd know I'm an Arsenal fan. Just now I watched the game between Arsenal and Liverpool. I was disappointed.

Where was the fast short passing that the former Arsenal (During the times of Henry, Bergkamp and Pires) always used? Those were the days where I'd stare in utter amusement and won't even move from the TV (Unless my mom uses the tactic; 'Zufar Ismail!' Yeah, the way i sprint to be by my mom's side would put bloody national sprinters to shame.)... I watched the game just know and there wasn't even a pass worth noting. They kept losing the ball to Liverpool and well, it was a miracle we didn't lose.

Some players are really amazing but the others are, well, fucked up. Let's review:

1. Arshavin: Okay, if i ever met this guy, I'd fucking kiss the soles of his feet. Truly, I was taken aback by his footballing.

2. Theo Walcott: Such speed.

3. Song: A fair share of skill to this guy...

4. Bendtner: A sad excuse for a striker. God damn it, sell him already...

I understand that as time goes, you need to change the play according to the squad but just now, it was just horrible. I mean incomplete passes, misskicks... Don't get me started on the defense... The only thing they deserved is a firing squad...

Maybe in time they will improve but does this mean the team has to look like a couple of idiots chasing the ball before that? I know that Wenger was saving the key players for the game against M.U. but seriously, it is better to play respectable football and lose than to play a crazy uncoordinated game and win.

That's just what i think.

Let the world be that of silence.

Lately i have been stressed. Very stressed out. I hate those shrinks that stay in their offices pretending to be listening to you when they are daydreaming instead. And they get paid for it, which coincidentally makes me hate them more. (For friends who are soon-to-be shrinks, no offense mateys)

I really have to bow down to people like Kat and Ani who really keep my sanity checked. I swear, these are the people who; in their absence, will drive me suicidal. A thank you to you for putting up with me especially on those nights where you helped me when you needed the sleep.

Still, i can't depend solely on these people that I already adopted as my faily members. So i thought and i thought. How do i calm myself? More importantly, what is making me so agitated. I continued on searching. Two years ago, thankfully, i found the answer which may have arrived just in time. Meaning it came after a two month long depression period which was bad, real bad. I found out that at some point, i have a tremendous hate towards well, people. The reason is yet unbeknownst to me. I just do. I take a walk in a crowded place and i feel like going crazy. I feel... Disgusted... I really did... You might not realise it but go to the nearest window you see and look out. Can you really honestly tell me that you are contented with everything that you see? If you aren;t, multiply that by a hundred and you might get near to what i felt...

Maybe you think that I'm (and I'm pretty sure theres a lot of you that do.) a tad bit emotional. What if i am? It doesn't make any difference. The things i did to calm myself down... I think it would be better not to disclose the details... Bottom line is, i found what could make me calm.

Isolation.

It really did the job. Isolation from people, isolation form the noise, isolation from the cold stares and fake laughs. In days that I feel down, it kills me just to meet a person and put up with him. I'd like to scream;

LEAVE ME ALONE MOTHERFUCKER!

but i doubt that would be appropriate in any way. So i force myself to smile and act normal while inside I am burning up... Sometimes i run. Sometimes i ignore. To those of you who have caught me on these days, truly, forgive me, it was inevitable. I had to do it for my good and possibly yours.

This is the reason i love rooftops. People rarely tread that path and the wind seems to caress me and ask; 'Why the sad face, child?'. That really helps and i will tell everything, everything to the invisible helper. Then i leave, go down, and get some coffee which is the second greatest gift from God.

I have to clear something up. I, in no way, am better than anybody else. We are all the same and i doubt we have that much difference. You might say; 'Hell, I'm a human too, so you hate me?' and stab me in the heart (O.O). No, when i can call you my 'friend', that already separates you from other people. Besides, the hatred i have is more towards the character, not the substance.

Then you say; 'You are human too. What right do you have in hating and judging others?'. I, as a thinking person, always have rights. You throw me on an island, i will still have my bloody rights. How do you expect me to not judge when you are exposing yourself too much? It's like a reflex...

Anyways, i have said what i wanted to. Not happy? That's what the comment box is created for. Still not happy? That's the signal for you to move the cursor to the red box on the far right of the screen and click it. Problem solved. But really, do leave a comment, I'm desperate for them...

Till something interesting comes up, ciow.

A/N: Tomorrow is pharmacology exam day!
Note: The statement above is voiced out in a very... painful manner...

Dream Girl

We all have our dream girls. We all do. You're a retard if you don't. It's weird actually... Usually we dream of our special someone to be perfect. Never having a flaw. Yet, it's funny how our dream girl have may have a million flaws yet we look at them and we go; 'Oh man... Look at her... Perfect... Just fucking perfect'.

I have mine. A childhood friend of some sort. We lost contact until we found ourselves attending the same highschool. As usual, me being the ignorant person i am never even realised she was there. Instead, i looked at the self-made goddesses and dream that one day, one day it might just happen. She (my friend, not the goddesses) was always there, handing out food occasionally. I always made bets with her... I remember one where i won five bucks from her from stuffing a whole green apple into my mouth! Those were good days...

School ended and our activities together became a memory. See, it's true when people say that you'll only miss what matters to you when it's gone... And i did! I mean, we contacted each other and everything but not having her by my side was what i missed the most. That was when i realised she was the one... She was my Dream Girl...

So i pondered on how to make her know. To people who really know me, they'd know that i'm a fucking coward when it comes to girls i like. Yes, i truly am. Basically, i was so afraid about it that i let it linger in my mind... I have my reasons. I think the most prominent one is that i was scared she would refuse and stop befriending me. That would kill me. For real.

Then finally, on the day i was about to leave for Egypt, at the fucking airport, i started to type out the message. The reply? She felt the same. At that moment, i hated myself for not telling her earlier, for being such a fucking coward. I sighed, and made for the airport gateway.

When i was here, i started to feel guilty. What i did was fucking selfish. She could have gotten another person which may have been better than me. Now, she has me as a restriction. So i decided to straighten out things. I messaged her. It went like this:

Me: What's been up/How are you etc etc
She: A reply to above
Me: Listen you aren't, by any chance, waiting are you?
She: For what? A bus?
Me: Uh... No... For you know, me?
She: You know me better than that Zuffie. No, I'm not good at waiting.
Me: Thats good to hear... I'd be guilty as hell if you did.
She: I'm sure you would be.

So yeah, i was crushed for a while... But then i told myself that it's a good thing. She deserves someone to be there in her times of need. I am, unfortunately, not that person. Sigh.

Holy fuck. I am waaayyy too emo... Seriously Egypt has fucking messed up my brain. Dammit...

Oh well, a story bout my dream girl. To Alexandrians: Pretend you did not read this.

And my playlist held the blade.

Literally. Lite-fucking-rally... Aihhh... I swear, on days where i listen to Elvis or the other crazy awesome songs i feel like i'm in front of a firing squad...

Example: Are you lonesome tonight by Elvis Presley

Are you lonesome tonight... Do you miss me tonight...Are you sorry we drifted apart... Is your heart filled with pain... Shall i come back again... Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight...

Thats like bloody pure genius... It doesn't matter how many layers of kevlar you wear, hell it's gonna hit you and it's gonna wound you. In a metaphoric sense...

*Sighums*... Songs can really kill you... As in for real... I heard this dude listened to Superstar by the Carpenters and went loco... Music...

Anyways, back to reality... I wrote a new short story bout euthanasia... Bestie and lifelong companion gave me that idea... What I'd do without these guys... Oh now November Rain is playing... Shit! Whenever this song plays, i'll have the urge to put on Don't Cry next.. Dammit! But still, Guns n Roses, you guys fucking rule my eardrums!

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

Gah! steady, steady. *ahem* Excuse the interruption... Arsenal lost... That sucked... a lot... But life goes on, another game, another day... I have no doubt that I will be an Arsenal fan till... God knows when...

Oh a thought occured to me. Imagine this. Okay, what if you were infatuated with a person of the opposite sex and he/she turns out to be infatuated with your friend who doesn't even know he/she exists? Le Gasp! Now that's a huge fuck up... Moving on.

I realised that i function better in my sleep deprived state. I really do, i even type faster *the keyboard screams in agony* But i do realise my eyeballs might pop out and destroy themselves rather than be in yours truly... So i shall retire to my bed for now...

Short story - Sweet Dreams

They told me not to be afraid. With meaty hands resting on my shoulders they hurried me on, mouthing encouraging words with robotic voices but all they did was restricting my movement. I had nowhere to run to, I a can only move forward. In truth, they were parasites, forcing my body to move abnormally. I had no intention on reaching ‘Paradise’. I only wanted to see my siblings again.

It started when I was six years old. These men in fancy black suits stormed into our house and inquired about my parents in static robotic voices. I told them they were still working at the store. They said they would wait. A woman arrived later on. All the men addressed her as ma’am and did not dare look at her in the eyes. I hated her. She had an aura shrouded around her, seeping out of her through every pore of her body; the one that I sensed when Great Aunt Jenna passed away and dad took me to her funeral. Even when she smiled, even when she called me a cute little girl, I felt as if she had her hands around my neck like the squids on Discovery Channel, smothering me. Strangling me. She even had the same robotic voice the men had. I ran into my room and hid under the bed after that. My parents came home a few hours later. The men stayed on and then I heard the woman conversing with my parents in a very a serious tone, the way bad guys talk on T.V. would. My father nodded at everything she said. When they left, I heard dad saying things like ‘It’s inevitable’ and ‘We knew this day was bound to come’. Mom kept silent. She always does that. I hate that about her.

Three days later, my eldest sister, Emily, went missing. She was twelve. I was hysterical and cried the whole day. I begged my father to go look for her. He told me that she had gone to boarding school and won’t be back for a long, long time. I did not believe a word he said. He blinks a lot when he lies. After that, everywhere I went, everything I did, I kept on thinking of Emily. The dining table always had an empty seat. The funfair was not as interesting without Emily. She never came home, not during my eighth birthday party, not when we moved, not even when Uncle Bill got married.

The T.V. started to show weird commercials. The government was launching a new campaign or something. I did not understand a word the woman was saying. All I know was that it was for the greater good of the people and that we should all accept it. I changed the channel.

I still think of Emily once in awhile and kept hoping that one day she would walk through the front gate, full of confidence and then everything would be normal again. The twins, Ben and Zack are going to be twelve in a few months. All my friends think they are so handsome and so cool. I’d laugh it off and told them that if they knew of their habits at home, they would not be so interested in them.

Two days later, the men in fancy suits and robotic voices came again. I was not afraid, not anymore. Nobody is going to take anything from my life again. I grabbed the sharpest knife in the kitchen and stormed into the living room. I knew that I was ten but that would not stop me from taking action. It will not serve as a barrier to me. Just as I was about to enter the living room something stopped me. A hand. A fragile one. Shivering. I spun around and saw mom just staring at me. I told her to let go, I told her to let me make a stand. She just stood there and never did. Then the tears started to flow and she told me to stand down. I cried too. I knew what was going to happen next. I knew I was going to lose Ben and Zack. I’m going to be alone again. Before the men left, they said they were coming back in two days and told us to ready ourselves. How heartless can we humans be.

Two days later they came as promised. It was one of the darkest days of my life. I just stayed in my room, crouched in one corner, trying to squeeze my way deeper and deeper. I heard Zack shouting and stuff falling. Ben who was more level-headed shouted at him and told him to stay calm. Then I heard a thud, of wood or metal against a head, and Zack’s voice was of the past. Mom screamed and cried, her voice choking against the spasms in her throat. Then there was the sound of vehicles coming to life and leaving the premise of our house. And that was when my tears started to flow. I have lost them. And I could do nothing about it. I will never again see their smile, their laughter. I will never see them fight, never again will I be protected when I get bullied. Never again. I stood up and brushed my clothes, wiped the tears with the corners of my sleeves and punched the mirror of my dressing table. The shards cut into me and I bled. It felt good. The pain felt good. I never cried again after that day. Not when my relatives dies, not when Babe, my Labrador got poisoned. The tears fossilised in me. And it will stay there. I will make sure of that.

There was no more joy in our house. It was as if the angels themselves had run out of tears and left, leaving a void of nothingness in their absence. The empty seats only served as a reminder of what we went through, what we had lost. I never talked to my father after what happened. My conscience cannot accept the fact that this man that I had once referred to as my father could still sit at the dining table, drink his coffee and read the paper while his children are somewhere out there crying for help. For him. For their so-called father. To think that I am part of his flesh and blood made me sick.

Every now and then I would wake up in the middle of the night and find my mother in the living room, crumpled in one corner. Her eyes reflects no light at all, lifeless. Those once lively green eyes… The first time I saw her, I comforted her, tried to get her back on her feet. I thought I had succeeded the first time, I thought by lending her a shoulder to cry on, she would be alright. Of course, I was wrong when a couple of days later, she would be in the same spot, her lifeless eyes directed nowhere. I used to care. Now, I would just close my eyes and return to the welcoming warmth of oblivion.

Today I turned twelve. The men in fancy black suits did not come. I panicked. What if I’m spared? What if I get singled out? I was far from being overjoyed. I did not want to be in this position! I do not want to be the one who lived to tell the tale! I want to be there with the ones that were dragged away from the warmth of their home. I want to be tortured, to be the one who have lost all hope in life like the many others.

The men did come. They were a week late. I wasn’t saddened nor was I thinking of running away. I might’ve even smiled when they drove in. This time, my parents were right there waiting with me. The men walked in, apologised for the delay, took me by the shoulders and we entered the car. Through the rear mirror, I saw my mother nod to my father. As the car moved further away, I saw my father shoot my mother in the head and then turned the gun on him. The car took a left and my house disappeared form view. I kept mum but I confirmed one thing. I did not imagine what he had said when he gave me to the men.

“Take care, Alicia. Take care, girl. I love you. We love you. We’re sorry.”

We arrived at a small building. They took me in and asked me to wait. I thought of the commercial that was always showing on T.V. which I never understood the last time I watched it. It occurred to me how as you get older, you start to understand things more than before. A book for example. You could read the same book a million times in your lifetime but as you age, you view it from a different perspective. It has nothing to do with maturity. It is because as you live out your life, you go through a lot of things that changes you, creates a whole new person within you.

They said they were ready for me. I was ushered into a room where there were a hundred other kids my age. Some were terrified. I could tell that they were the first ones in the family. Most of the others had the same expression as me. We were told of the function of the facility. They were hiding something, their eyes were clouded with the amount of lie they were telling. They told us of PARADISE and how in the long term it will bring benefit to the world. I could care less. I just want to be where Emily, Ben and Zack are. They took us into another room and gave us food. Eat to your hearts content, they said. Secretly, I wonder if they were hiding something.

A few hours later, one by one, we were lead through a long tunnel. They said it was the way to PARADISE. When it was my turn, I heard them whispering. I tried to listen but as soon as they think I was, they cleared their throat and became silent. I was brought into a laboratory, just like the one seen in the movies. They told me to change into this gown which you only see old people wear at the hospital. I heard someone enter through the door. It rendered me speechless. It was the woman that came and took Emily away.

She greeted me in such a cheerful mood but all I can sense is that she brings danger. As if she was the angel of death herself. She tried to touch me but I refused. I felt that if she touched me, I would be poisoned, melt or even be turned into her. Then she spoke;

“Come now child… You do want to see your sister and brothers again don’t you? It’s going to be very hard if you won’t even let me touch you.”

I did not trust her, not one bit. However, the thought of being reunited with my siblings was one that I could not resist. I lowered my defences; the wall that I had formed around me ever since Ben and Zack was taken away came crumbling down. She told me to lie down on the cold metal table. I did as she told me. Without any warning whatsoever, she inserted a needle into my skin. I did not struggle; I did not even say anything. I just closed my eyes and remembered the commercial that kept playing on the T.V.

Today, a campaign was launched by the government in hopes of preserving the brightest people the world has known. These men and women have contributed so much towards the development of our beloved country and according to the spokesman and I quote ‘…by elongating their lifespan, they could bring further development towards our country. It would be a waste to let them be snatched away from us by none other than death…’ Currently, no one knows of the means by which the government has taken for this to be achieved. The answer given to us was a puzzling one. It is said that the term ‘the youth are the future of the nation’ is literally true. It is also said that the population growth could be controlled by this. Could this be a family planning campaign? Nobody knows for sure.

In other matters, it is said that the number of cases has reached an all time high. The reason is yet to be discovered.

The last thing I heard from the woman was ‘Sweet dreams.’. The light faded soon after.

Sleepless Nights - One

I'm gonna do this everytime i can't sleep which, coincidentally, happens a lot nowadays... No, i do not know why, it could be the mounting stress, it could be i'm a Jedi (O.o)... Anyway...

Yes, as i was saying, this happens a lot so there'll be a whole lot more posts like this (The author's alter ego laughs his head off)... Hmmm.. A lot has happened... Let's start with:

1. I moved back into my old house. Go figure...
2. I passed my fucking exams!!!!!!!!

In relation to that, no, i'm not saying i passes all of them with bloody flying rainbow colours... I just passed them... Okay, fine, no As, 2 Cs and the others are Bs... Happy? Assholes...
Under normal circumstances that would make anybody pretty unhappy. Yes, that includes me... However, the circumstances are abnormal.. Lemme explain by the figure/chart/flow-chart?/thing below.

-pass - Able to return to M'sia for Summer - M'sian luxuries! And meeting a someone.
Exam
-fail - Repeat paper, lose a shitload of money, miss the chance to go back and make a certain someone very, very unhappy...

Okay, the diagram is fucking ugly, i admit... What do you expect, bloody textbook stuff? Get over it. Anyway, yes, i believe anyone would understand this (as ugly as it is). If you don't, please, torture yourself no more, theres a whole lot of other blogs you can read...

Okay, shit... How does this bullet and numbering stuff work anyway... Hmmmmm...

3. I coughed up some phelgm+blood this morning... I know...
4. I am currently reading Dante's Divine Comedy... Which is hard... Very hard...

That reminds me, how long has it been since i held a paperback book in my hands? A month? I missed that feeling... You know, paper on hand, the smell... Priceles... I mean i have no beef against E-books but it's just not the same... For example, I'm not the kind that could go around lugging my laptop with me... While with a book, i could take it anywhere i want, anytime and any... you get the point. I used to go to the toilet reading a novel... Those days are gone now...

5. I NEED FUCKING FEEDBACK DAMMIT!!!!!

Yes, this pisses me off. Really. I joined a certain website so that i could get at least a small nuber of feedback to improve on my writing. At first it seemed promising since everybody was a writer. I posted a short story and a poem. And waited... And waited... And waited somemore... No comments whatsoever... Okay, i told myself... Maybe it's because i'm new... So i decided to leave it for a few days and check back later. What i saw brought out the worst in me. There was this post above mine which had a shitload of comments! I was intrigues, how good was this guy. So i opened it, and stared in disbelieve.

What was in there you ask... I am trying my best not to demolish my keyboard as i write this... Anyway, turns out it was some love letter the user wrote to another user... A love letter... A fucking love letter... A fucking love letter that had nothing worth noting in it... Oh, and did i mention the writer have never met, smiled or talked to the other user in real life? I admit that maybe i am a bit biased here. However, i read that piece and I wasn't impressed... Basically it was easier if the author wrote: I love you. Sigh... I'll stop here...


Thank you for reading....