I don't expect you to understand.
The sudden silence, the growing distance, the darkness that envelops.
You are hurt by it, that much I am certain. However, the truth remains.
There is a void in me. An abyss of unfathomable depth and each day, I find myself sinking deeper. I know that I tend to be overly dramatic - and may I say poetic? - when it comes to expressing myself but in this case, unfortunate as it may be, the words do me justice.
I've stopped trying to look for a cause for this darkness that dwells within. Yes, you may say that I have given up - finally - and for once it does not wound my pride to admit it. Really, when I try to break it down and analyse it; observe it under the most minute circumstances, it merely gives way for more questions. It used to be interesting but nowadays it is too vexing a thing for my mind.
Maybe it is the reason why I reach out desperately to so many people at once, you included. I think that perhaps I may come to an understanding of myself by understanding other people. So far it has not been very profitable, the very opposite in fact. It's destructive to say the least and come to think, I don't mind it that much if it is only to my expense.
You've gone through the same phase, I suppose. It starts off with an absolute blast and then it goes downhill at 200 km/h. I remember the exact time you realised that something was amiss. You said 'Wow, the exams really sucked the fun out of you'. The exam had nothing to do with it, of course, you just witnessed what many others have; my true colours.
You say that you like me and believe me when I say that I am intensely flattered. To a certain extent, I reciprocate the same feelings but the more I think about it, the more I realise that it is to my own selfish agenda. I keep you by my side because I think that you may be able to patch up this monstrous emptiness that has taken refuge in my very being. Perhaps at one point, I even believed in it and in doing so, dragged you along into this make belief fantasy of mine. Which is quite fucked up to say the very least because deep down, I know for a fact that it is merely a delusion.
You are correct, I think, when you say that I am not a bad person. If I am in the narcissistic mood, I may even say that I lean slightly towards the 'good' spectrum but it does not exclude me from noticing how very flawed I truly am. In my quest to figure myself out, I have torn apart others and what's worse is that I manage to leave bitter copies of myself in them. And these are the people who I used to care very deeply for. Fuck man, this probably makes no sense to you but what the hell, I'm in the mood to rant.
Being extremely self critical of myself also makes me look at other people the same way. The reason for this is so that I can use these flaws to make a quick getaway like some sort of cartoon villain. Shit, sometimes they aren't even flaws but hell, beggars can't be choosers. The point here is that a normal person shouldn't even give a shit about this, you know. It's all so very superficial. Time and time again I tell myself that all of this is bullshit and I shouldn't be bothered but holy shit, it fucks with my mind constantly.
Everybody seem to have this idea where talking will make everything better. Maybe they're right but none of them actually considers the idea that some things can't be put into words. It's not even a matter of vocabulary; words really are inadequate at times. Then they'll say 'Oh it's alright, we don't have to talk about it' but sooner or later the variation of 'You should have told me something was wrong' comes up.
Can't really blame them, in a sense. We're wired differently after all.
I don't really know how you'll react to this. Confusion, probably. Perhaps with a pinch of disdain for good measure. Oh well.
The sudden silence, the growing distance, the darkness that envelops.
You are hurt by it, that much I am certain. However, the truth remains.
There is a void in me. An abyss of unfathomable depth and each day, I find myself sinking deeper. I know that I tend to be overly dramatic - and may I say poetic? - when it comes to expressing myself but in this case, unfortunate as it may be, the words do me justice.
I've stopped trying to look for a cause for this darkness that dwells within. Yes, you may say that I have given up - finally - and for once it does not wound my pride to admit it. Really, when I try to break it down and analyse it; observe it under the most minute circumstances, it merely gives way for more questions. It used to be interesting but nowadays it is too vexing a thing for my mind.
Maybe it is the reason why I reach out desperately to so many people at once, you included. I think that perhaps I may come to an understanding of myself by understanding other people. So far it has not been very profitable, the very opposite in fact. It's destructive to say the least and come to think, I don't mind it that much if it is only to my expense.
You've gone through the same phase, I suppose. It starts off with an absolute blast and then it goes downhill at 200 km/h. I remember the exact time you realised that something was amiss. You said 'Wow, the exams really sucked the fun out of you'. The exam had nothing to do with it, of course, you just witnessed what many others have; my true colours.
You say that you like me and believe me when I say that I am intensely flattered. To a certain extent, I reciprocate the same feelings but the more I think about it, the more I realise that it is to my own selfish agenda. I keep you by my side because I think that you may be able to patch up this monstrous emptiness that has taken refuge in my very being. Perhaps at one point, I even believed in it and in doing so, dragged you along into this make belief fantasy of mine. Which is quite fucked up to say the very least because deep down, I know for a fact that it is merely a delusion.
You are correct, I think, when you say that I am not a bad person. If I am in the narcissistic mood, I may even say that I lean slightly towards the 'good' spectrum but it does not exclude me from noticing how very flawed I truly am. In my quest to figure myself out, I have torn apart others and what's worse is that I manage to leave bitter copies of myself in them. And these are the people who I used to care very deeply for. Fuck man, this probably makes no sense to you but what the hell, I'm in the mood to rant.
Being extremely self critical of myself also makes me look at other people the same way. The reason for this is so that I can use these flaws to make a quick getaway like some sort of cartoon villain. Shit, sometimes they aren't even flaws but hell, beggars can't be choosers. The point here is that a normal person shouldn't even give a shit about this, you know. It's all so very superficial. Time and time again I tell myself that all of this is bullshit and I shouldn't be bothered but holy shit, it fucks with my mind constantly.
Everybody seem to have this idea where talking will make everything better. Maybe they're right but none of them actually considers the idea that some things can't be put into words. It's not even a matter of vocabulary; words really are inadequate at times. Then they'll say 'Oh it's alright, we don't have to talk about it' but sooner or later the variation of 'You should have told me something was wrong' comes up.
Can't really blame them, in a sense. We're wired differently after all.
I don't really know how you'll react to this. Confusion, probably. Perhaps with a pinch of disdain for good measure. Oh well.
