The doom of man.

*After writing this post I can safely say that this article is not for public view. In fact, it should be locked in a metal chest and submerged, out of the reaches of mankind. Reading this is comparable to looking at Satan's genitals. Consider this a fair warning. Turn back. This will corrupt your soul.*

There's many things that can actually scare a person, I mean really, you don't have to even think for it to come to you. Reptiles, pointed objects, the man upstairs and so on, and while we're on this topic, I guess it is true when they say one man's bane is another man's sexual desire. Or something like that. Please, consult Shakespeare.

I guess I'm a pretty easy guy to scare, though unconventional methods pretty much accounts right about three quarters of it. I've pretty much listed most of it HERE! but I must have forgotten about the most important thing.

Ideas. And the way to convey said idea: Words.

I shit you not, some words have transcended their meager existence and have managed to get hold of a stable manifestation where it projects images into your feeble brain. Some directly gives you the horrors in which they are responsible for but some... Some have evolved and they manipulate your perception into thinking they are in fact, on par with ponies and rainbows and to certain extent... Whips. For example; the term Cleveland Steamer. Honestly, what comes to mind when hearing or reading said phrase is well, this:

Make way for Noddy, NODDY! Wait...

I mean that driver could easily be called Cleveland and apparently he is that good at his job so that every time somebody (A hardcore scholar in the arts of heavy machinery perhaps) sees the aftermath of his work, they'd shake their head in pure awe and say 'I'm one of the lucky ones... To have seen the Cleveland Steamer... I shall pay tribute to this by writing down this moment into poetry, never to be forgotten for ages to come'. Presumably while having a soft gentle breeze blow and tussle his hair.

But of course, reality takes a sledgehammer and slams it into your face at 120km/h. This is what the Cleveland Steamer looks like:

For once, trust me. You do not want this.

I rarely find myself at a lost when it comes to making dick jokes or more appropriately, when it comes to writing. But this time... I truly am. I fear that I would lose my sanity just by typing the introductions to this obvious earth-grown but hell harvested piece of ultimate blasphemy... Hence I shall, with a heavy heart, pass the torch to Urban Dictionary. This will scar you. Indeed it will.

The cleveland steamer is far more specific than the listings I have seen here. A sexual act by nature (fetish) the cleveland steamer is when one person craps on another person's chest and (very important) then sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam roller.

Billy had just gotten out of the shower, so me and John gave min a cleveland steamer.

The description itself has the omnipotent ability to tear your sanity apart and devour it's essence but the example... It... It must've blinded God for if it did not, part of the world have been incinerated. If you do not feel Billy's pain you have no soul and most probably would enjoy a Cleveland Steamer.

2. Alaskan Firedragon.

If you don't think that this right here is one of the most awesome choices for a band name, then you are clinically and literally fucked up. Rest assured that your days after reading this post will be riddled with STDs and shemales. On the other hand, you fucking lucky bastard.

Seriously, I say this honestly now, I think that this term is on the level of ultra-hyper-Rajinikanth inspirational that if the mentally challenged hears this, he/she would immediately gain and intelligence level surpassing that of Saiyans and will proceed to pelt you with mathematical equations till you give yourself a Cleveland Steamer. Fuck, women are not advised to continuously linger around this term for fear of growing seventeen testicles in four scrotums. I feel like I want to clip this term's wings and stuff it in a jar and make it my bride.

This comes to mind.

This is, of course, before the truth reveals it's ugly seventeen-testicled head.

When a man is just about to ejaculate while recieving oral sex, he pushes down the woman's head, leans in and says something shocking such as "I have herpes." The woman will choke and try to pull back. The man then ejaculates into the back of her throat while she is choking, forcing the semen through her nostrils. This is similar to laughing while drinking milk.

I gave my girlfriend an alaskan firedragon last night. 

If the way to cleanse oneself from sin would be to go outside naked for the next ten days... I dare say the world's textile manufacturers would burn their factories and themselves along with it. Did you feel it? Did you feel your sweet childhood memories being tossed into an incinerator by a naked pedophile and then superheated and eventually it crumble into ash? DID YOU FUCKING FEEL IT?

3. Strawberry Lemonade.

The day was blistering hot, you're parched, your throat is burning, the sweat that drips down your forehead no longer contains water but bodily fluids instead. Then in the distance you see a shop, brightly illuminated and the only thing it has as it's logo is a woodpecker winking at you while guzzling a stint of ice cold beverage. You run, sprint, faster and faster, ignoring the cells dying, all you need is some form of liquid, to satisfy the demons wreaking havoc in your body. The shopkeeper looks at you and smiles, he says that all they have left are strawberry lemonades. You babble something unintelligible while throwing notes of monetary value at him. He leaves and returns shortly with a glass of presumed heaven. You snatch it out of his fingers and chug it, ignoring the mess or how you look.

You sigh and ask for another from the shopkeeper, you can feel your cells celebrating, shooting fireworks and worshiping you. You ask what it is as an attempt to make some conversation and the shopkeeper hands you a copy of the urban dictionary. You flip to the bookmarked page.

When a girl is on her period, her strawberry lemonade is the mixture of piss and period blood

You drop the dictionary. You saw a knife, grabbed it and plunged it into your stomach. As you lay dying, you hear the shopkeeper laugh and say that it never ever gets old. Never. Ever. Gets. Old. (I have deleted the example because it was too fucking disturbing)

4. Hot Colton.

The first thing that comes to mind is something edible, like cotton candy, only warm and super fuzzy and eating it makes you feel like the king/queen of the multiverse. Or it's a Curry in which eating it will make your mouth feel as if it has been shot (A Colt is a gun, please, educate yourselves) by a ton of bullets. You know, Colt + Ton = Colton. Whatever it is, still edible.

How the world loves your agony.

The Hot Colton is the sexual act of, after having sex with your girlfriend, going into another room to defecate on the floor.

Did you hear about Ryan? He took a Hot Colton last night.

The pinnacle of evil: Promising food but giving shit instead. I curse your family into ten generations of sex-slave trade and constant whipping.

5. Alabama Hot Pocket.

So far, I believe this is the best one at demonstrating my point. This is a bit extreme, just so you know. I realise how Hot Pocket sounds like something related to, again, food but apparently- You know what, I give the fuck up. This will haunt my sweetest dreams, this will change me. This. Will destroy me.

Because I want it to haunt you too. Enjoy your sandwich.

A sexual procedure in which a male and female couple partake. The first step is for the male to defecate in the female's vagina, next the couple join together in sexual intercourse. A close relative of the Cleavland Steamer.

Don't make the same mistake as your father. When you go to Montgomery don't buy $20 hookers. They have fallen victim to the Alabama Hot Pocket.

I repeat. Enjoy your fucking sandwich.

6. Donkey Punch.

Ha-ha-ha! You punch like a Donkey! Are you high man? Are you fucking high? My dog can punch better! At least his hurt! Yours felt like wiping my face with the feather of the softest bird, no, a non-existent bird! You fucker! Why do you aim to corrupt my mind?

Because I want you to feel dead, every single time you look at a donkey.

The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you ofcourse).

I donkey punched Meredith last night, and It was awesome

7. Angry Pirate.

So anyways, I was out with this buggers and one of em starts to act like this fucking angry pirate. Fuck, it freaked everyone at the shop out. There was this chic shopping for groceries and something and he went right in front of her trolley and starts to fucken babble these pirate catchphrases. She just flipped man, start to fucken curse and shit and you're not gonna believe this, she collapsed and started to cry. So the bugger kinda felt guilty and went and comforted her and guess what. They're married now, with three beautiful kids. Hahahaha, can you actually imagine that? Can you imagine how awesome it would be if people were that sane instead of perverting shit like this?:

When a man is receiving head while standing and his partner on their knees. Just before he ejaculates in his partners mouth, he pulls out and shoots his load in his partners eye. This will cause his partner to shut the eye with the semen in it. When the partner jumps up in anger, the man when kicks his partner in the shin, causing the partner to jump up and down holding the kicked leg and screaming "ARRRGHH!" in pain.

I got back at that cheating bitch by giving her the angry pirate just before I broke up with her!

Because reality hates you.

I have to stop right now. Being on Urban Dictionary and clicking random is no different from being on 4Chan, it twists your soul until you can no longer recognize yourself. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I see is a void, a churning sea of darkness replacing my reflection. I can no longer feel any humanity in myself, if I cut myself, I believe I will leak an Alabama Hot Pocket. I feel numb, so numb, my eyes see nothing except the perversions of mankind. You too have been infected, you will feel restless unless you get a dose of deviation. Curse me not, for thy desireth brought thou upon this insanity.