I forgot about my birthday. It took a near complete stranger to remind me. Very strange feeling, forgetting the anniversary of your birth.
Went to Coffee Bean to study. Realised that I hate birthdays. Too much expectations. Perhaps that's the problem with us all. We expect too much. We believe ourselves to be important. Ordered a large iceblended mocha. It'll probably taste like shit but when in Rome.
Replied a few messages. Thanked a few people for their wish. Dad messaged. Missed him a lot. Mom gave a great wish. Felt very sad. Continued studying.
Thought a lot about my future, if there was any. Thought about what I have achieved. Realised there wasn't any. Big shoes to fill. Smoked Winston lights. Looked out of the window and watched people. A girl smiled at me. I did not return the act. Too much on mind.
23 and nothing to my name. Not a good start. People build empires when they're 21. Talked to Kitty. She tried to cheer me up. It didn't do much good. Asked her how she'd reapond in the event that I passed away. She was honest. I like that about her.
Anila wished me a happy birthday. Said she messaged the wrong brother before. Hilarious. Asked her to go to the book launch in my place. She agreed. Realised I missed her a lot. She used to keep me sane. I regret not making an effort to talk to her more. How many others have I left hanging?
A waiter put a 'Reserved' sign on my table and winked at me. I found the act strange yet reassuring. Saw Mun walk by the shop. Waved to her. Probably busy. Smoked more cigarettes.
Naz messaged me. I had a good laugh. Very witty, that girl. We talked for a while. She quoted something out of a movie. Insulted her for it. Po asked if I was coming back. Said Bob was going to cook instead of dining outside. Told him I was on my way.
Went to the toilet. Came back to my table and realised there was another book. 'Journal of Indo Mediterranean Culture'. Waiter pointed to the reserved sign. It clicked. I moved to the table behind me. A girl with a lip piercing took my place. She mouthed a sorry and smiled. I wanted to talk to her. Decided against it. Not the place, not the time. Stared at her reflection in the mirror. People rarely notice if I do that. They think I'm looking at something else. Very useful maneuvre.
Thought about suicide. Had an idea for a short story. Pondered on the idea. Realised room has no place for a noose. Not sure if coincidence. It was growing dark. Kitty was being a tease. I couldn't respond to her innuendos. Not sure how she'd take my 'jokes'. Been told I go overboard often. She puts on a show of an experienced person but I have a feeling she's clueless. She gets upset when I tell her that.
Felt less depressed. Thought about what Bob was cooking at home. Food is the source of ultimate comfort. Finished studying. Listened to Butterfingers' Sober. Decided it wasn't a state of mind I should be in. Remembered Shaz giving me an aged copy of Shakespeare's plays. Thought it was the best gift I've ever received.
'Look at the stars' the song said. There aren't any to look at. We've fucked it all up. Thought about making a model of a night sky with LEDs. Thought that mosques and churches are really depressing. Very cold. Imagined a mosque with stars decorating the dome. Want to do that.
So many thoughts. Mind feels obstructed by the fibrosing tendrils of inquiries. Not sure what to do. Voice in my head saying death solves everything. A small voice but very persistent. Waved the thought away. Much to live for. Want family of my own. Want name written in history books. Want so many things. Illusion of glory. Everybody laughs at the idea of being successful at 23. Too young, they say. They don't understand. Worth of a son is measured by how much he exceeds his forefathers. They don't understand. Perhaps I don't either. Want to change the system. Don't know where to start. Die before getting started.
Tired. Packed my bag and left. Cold outside. Tiny drops of rain pelted my face. Felt good. Wished it poured. Very calming when it rained. Reminds me of home. Hungry. Arived home. Sufi gave a cupcake. I gave her a hug. Bob didn't cook. They ordered pizza.
Skyped with Naz. She slimmed down. Laughed at out pact where we'll get married when we're 30 if single. Knock in the door. Pizza is here. Wanted to talk to her later. She wanted to go to bed. Some things never change. Went to living room. Lots of pizzas. Jesus. Waited for girls to come. They came. It was awkward. Celebrating yourself is awkward. Ate. Kadir made an appearance. Thought about hanging out with Cleo clan. They didn't feel like coming. Reminisced. Kadir went home.
Sat in room. Wrote this. Flurest taking effect. Feel very alone. Realised this has gone on for as long as I can remember. Hard to climb out of a well you jumped in. Very dangerous. Maybe end up alone. Not that bad. Learn a lot when you're alone. How to live with yourself, for one. Thought about future. Not sure if any.
23. Happy birthday to me.
Went to Coffee Bean to study. Realised that I hate birthdays. Too much expectations. Perhaps that's the problem with us all. We expect too much. We believe ourselves to be important. Ordered a large iceblended mocha. It'll probably taste like shit but when in Rome.
Replied a few messages. Thanked a few people for their wish. Dad messaged. Missed him a lot. Mom gave a great wish. Felt very sad. Continued studying.
Thought a lot about my future, if there was any. Thought about what I have achieved. Realised there wasn't any. Big shoes to fill. Smoked Winston lights. Looked out of the window and watched people. A girl smiled at me. I did not return the act. Too much on mind.
23 and nothing to my name. Not a good start. People build empires when they're 21. Talked to Kitty. She tried to cheer me up. It didn't do much good. Asked her how she'd reapond in the event that I passed away. She was honest. I like that about her.
Anila wished me a happy birthday. Said she messaged the wrong brother before. Hilarious. Asked her to go to the book launch in my place. She agreed. Realised I missed her a lot. She used to keep me sane. I regret not making an effort to talk to her more. How many others have I left hanging?
A waiter put a 'Reserved' sign on my table and winked at me. I found the act strange yet reassuring. Saw Mun walk by the shop. Waved to her. Probably busy. Smoked more cigarettes.
Naz messaged me. I had a good laugh. Very witty, that girl. We talked for a while. She quoted something out of a movie. Insulted her for it. Po asked if I was coming back. Said Bob was going to cook instead of dining outside. Told him I was on my way.
Went to the toilet. Came back to my table and realised there was another book. 'Journal of Indo Mediterranean Culture'. Waiter pointed to the reserved sign. It clicked. I moved to the table behind me. A girl with a lip piercing took my place. She mouthed a sorry and smiled. I wanted to talk to her. Decided against it. Not the place, not the time. Stared at her reflection in the mirror. People rarely notice if I do that. They think I'm looking at something else. Very useful maneuvre.
Thought about suicide. Had an idea for a short story. Pondered on the idea. Realised room has no place for a noose. Not sure if coincidence. It was growing dark. Kitty was being a tease. I couldn't respond to her innuendos. Not sure how she'd take my 'jokes'. Been told I go overboard often. She puts on a show of an experienced person but I have a feeling she's clueless. She gets upset when I tell her that.
Felt less depressed. Thought about what Bob was cooking at home. Food is the source of ultimate comfort. Finished studying. Listened to Butterfingers' Sober. Decided it wasn't a state of mind I should be in. Remembered Shaz giving me an aged copy of Shakespeare's plays. Thought it was the best gift I've ever received.
'Look at the stars' the song said. There aren't any to look at. We've fucked it all up. Thought about making a model of a night sky with LEDs. Thought that mosques and churches are really depressing. Very cold. Imagined a mosque with stars decorating the dome. Want to do that.
So many thoughts. Mind feels obstructed by the fibrosing tendrils of inquiries. Not sure what to do. Voice in my head saying death solves everything. A small voice but very persistent. Waved the thought away. Much to live for. Want family of my own. Want name written in history books. Want so many things. Illusion of glory. Everybody laughs at the idea of being successful at 23. Too young, they say. They don't understand. Worth of a son is measured by how much he exceeds his forefathers. They don't understand. Perhaps I don't either. Want to change the system. Don't know where to start. Die before getting started.
Tired. Packed my bag and left. Cold outside. Tiny drops of rain pelted my face. Felt good. Wished it poured. Very calming when it rained. Reminds me of home. Hungry. Arived home. Sufi gave a cupcake. I gave her a hug. Bob didn't cook. They ordered pizza.
Skyped with Naz. She slimmed down. Laughed at out pact where we'll get married when we're 30 if single. Knock in the door. Pizza is here. Wanted to talk to her later. She wanted to go to bed. Some things never change. Went to living room. Lots of pizzas. Jesus. Waited for girls to come. They came. It was awkward. Celebrating yourself is awkward. Ate. Kadir made an appearance. Thought about hanging out with Cleo clan. They didn't feel like coming. Reminisced. Kadir went home.
Sat in room. Wrote this. Flurest taking effect. Feel very alone. Realised this has gone on for as long as I can remember. Hard to climb out of a well you jumped in. Very dangerous. Maybe end up alone. Not that bad. Learn a lot when you're alone. How to live with yourself, for one. Thought about future. Not sure if any.
23. Happy birthday to me.
