Lies

Look behind you and see the landscape formed by your life. All you see is a barren land, marred by disappointments and failures but here, take these, they are the eyes of a passing stranger, look again. Doesn't that forest just amaze you? The lush greenery, the birds, the endless possibilities; that is the desert that you perceive.

Look forward and gaze into your future. I know you're afraid, I know you see naught but darkness and misery and death - but not yours, no, you're going to live through hell - and I know all you want to do is close your eyes. Put your body into stasis and sleep forever. I gave you the eyes of a stranger, now have his heart. Feel the rush, the gallop, the drumroll and just inquire: Why is he not afraid? Why is he running towards the abyss, why doesn't he cower in the corner like you do.

He has your body, that's it. He will never be afraid again.

Now look around you and - no, don't tell me for I can see - focus on that loneliness and isolation. Nobody wants you, everybody hates you, you're always wrong, you're so stupid, give up, give up, just give up. Allow me to unlock your mind - only temporary, however - and now you can finally understand what it feels like to be envied. Out of the seven billion people out there, how could you have possibly imagined that not one of them might love you for who you are.

Now, forgive me but I must relieve you of the fantastic gifts that I granted simply because they were not mine to give away in the first place. Let's keep that a secret, shall we? Remember though, you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you have weapons now to arm yourself. All you need to do is move.

You don't even have to sprint, heck, you don't even need to go straight. Anywhere you go, everybody will be there by your side. Even if you fall, they will still hold your hand.

Sleepless Nights 86 - Where Did These Cobwebs Come From?

*

From neglect! From utter abandonment of your one true love! I stood by you all those years and you left me to befriend spiders and creatures of the void!

But I didn't mean to... I've just been busy... I underestimated the austerity of my schedule, believe me love, it is not without reason.

Hah! Your words mean nothing to me, not anymore. It stung, oh you better believe it did. Leaving me for all of the hers you now have in your life, it hurt but I stand here before you with every remnant of my compassion incinerated. I have naught for you but indifference, I grant not even hate to you.

Oh come now, you're overreacting, obviously. It's only been, what... Three weeks? Others have buried theirs without a single regret. I mean really, six months? Even more? Compared to them I take damn good care of you, little one.

They do not share our love. They care for nothing, their words are volatile, useless even. They want others to read what they write but I... I share your secrets, I have tasted your moments of brilliance and I have withstood your eras of delusion. And you left me. For them. The other ladies.

Look, I'm writing again, aren't I? Isn't that a good thing? I've been meaning to write, I really have, it's just that... Well, yeah, okay, I might've spent a little too much time with the others but it's... I'll always come back to you.

More lies. So much lies and you pride yourself in being an honest man. Go on then. Write what you want but know that you've reduced me to a simple piece of parchment, colourless and devoid of character.

Right. You'll be fine tomorrow then?

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit unloved now if you know what I mean.

Relax, I will never leave you.

*

You know, I've been wondering. Who exactly came up with the idea of spin dry? Who actually went ahead and shrugged his shoulder and thought 'Maybe if this piece of wet cloth is put in a barrel that spins fast enough... Yes... Maybe...'. Or did he see some young maiden that was running around with a wet piece of ass cloth and thought that if she ran faster...

Just a passing thought.

Internal Medicine has successfully raped me into silence. I am now relatively normal. I wake up in the early mornings (Mornings! Me! Can you even begin to imagine such blasphemy!) and I go to class and I come back a little after two. It's a routine. Holy humping Hanuman, I'm following a routine for once...

Pictured: Hanuman. Not pictured: Holy humping Hanuman.

Winter is here at long last. The first wave of rain has made its descent and well... One must play in the rain before it gets too cold. Or before they turn to rock and try to fuck your skull in. I suddenly find myself having quite a lot of sweaters and I'm pretty sure some of them are summoned from the hellrift itself. I can still sleep in boxers but this will not last long and well... Let's hope that this Winter is kinder than the last.

Hahaha. A kind Winter. Fucking hell, what am I smoking?

It's actually past my bedtime. Holy shit, I have a bedtime. It's like I'm slowly morphing into a responsible human being. This sucks massive flaming balls.

*

I have quit Nanowrimo. I am deeply, deeply distressed over this fact but it was a necessity. I had to choose between being a serious fucking student and writing; unfortunately for myself I chose the former. There are surprisingly little words that I can use to describe this whole shebang. It's like a cut inflicted on a diabetic foot. I can only hope that it doesn't fester.

I just heard that one of my best and closest friends is getting married. I think this is the first time in my life I've ever been this genuinely glad for someone else. It's a strange feeling. I should ponder upon this but oh look- I CAN'T BECAUSE I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

I have little time of my own nowadays. It's not bad per se but... It's just very different and I've never been a person that's kind to change. I find myself talking about general stuff with total fucking strangers and it sucks because they believe that I'm finally getting out of my fucking fuckshell and they're fucking fuckappy. I don't know, man, it's just a sudden transition and I don't know how to deal with this shit. I mean I get a lot of shit done nowadays, I actually feel slightly more responsible but it's just endless. Talking and talking and listening and laughing and pretending to laugh and talking some more and the next thing I know, I'll be old and tired and depressed because I could have been so much more...

Yeah, I'm going to bed now.