I started noticing girls later than most kids. I remember having the guys in my clique talk about them and it never really made much sense because back then, girls were just... guys who talked funny and were never any fun.
Everything changed when I was in form 3. Girls became little suns that blinded me everywhere I went and the source of it was this bloody transfer student. She was Irish-Chinese or something like that and she became an obsession to me. It was insane, I had no idea what I was supposed to do and the bloody teacher decided to sit her next to me because apparently, I could help her with her shitty BM. What kind of logic was that? Couldn't she see that I was far too distracted by her lady parts to actually give a gliding fuck about BM?
But I didn't know anything about approaching the opposite sex. So we'd just sit there in silence, me creating infinite scenarios in my head and she probably cursing her luck for having to sit beside the crazy bastard. However, there was this one time when I took off my glasses and for some reason, she took that as a trigger for a conversation. She asked me for them and trying to not flip every table in class due to an overbearing excitement, I mumbled an almost incoherent 'Go ahead'. She took them from me and put them on; not realising that my glasses were bent. Then, she turned towards me, frowning because the spectacles won't cover both eyes adequately and giggling, she said 'Your glasses are crooked'.
I wanted to punch her in the face so bad. Not because I felt any hatred. Not because she put on my glasses. Not because I have anything against those of Irish-Chinese descent. It's because she made me feel things and I didn't know how to deal with that shit and I got so fucking angry because god damn it, why did she have to be so beautiful all of the sudden?!
Of course, I didn't assault her else I'll be telling a very different story right now. I just sat there, dazed until she returned my glasses and that was it. As I said, I developed an almost criminal obsession over her which sucks because that trait stuck with me till today. Then she transferred to another school, the school where all the 'cool' kids went and I was, quite understandably, crushed. For a day or so, but still.
There isn't any reason behind this story, I just saw her picture on Facebook. Still as pretty as ever, I must say.
I suck very much at things related to romance. Given the right circumstances, I could probably sweet talk a snake into thinking it's a princess [citation needed] but when it comes down to it, every other aspect baffles me. People keep on telling me that when you love someone, you need to accept him/her as they are; even when they present with flaws. You're just supposed to live with that for the rest of your life and that isn't something that I can possibly do.
By no means do I expect my partner to be perfect. However, I cannot tolerate having a partner who doesn't aim to better herself. For example, if she has bad general knowledge, I cannot sit around and watch her live in ignorance. If she doesn't read, it will kill me if she continues down the path. I believe that it is my obligation to teach, not because she will be less of a person without the aforementioned criteria but because in the long run, the relationship will be so much more stable.
I admit that I take this shit far too seriously to the point where it led to the premature demise of the relationship but I can't help it. I've tried staying silent and screaming internally but that only led to me being fucking unhappy. And what's the point in being in a relationship if you spend most of the time devising ways to kill yourself creatively?
I'm not putting myself up on a pedestal here because the truth is that I am a cunt of the highest degree. I nitpick the slightest error and most of the time, it's such a small thing. I've been known to put my partners in situations that test their mettle simply because I wanted to see what they'd do in the situation and if it's satisfactory to my standards. I steer them into conflict to see if they can keep their cool, often without a precipitating factor, just for fun. In short, I treat them like new friends, to see if I can trust them and apparently that's not how the whole thing works. They have to be more special than friends, your partner is like a level 40 shiny pokemon amongst your level 100 normal ones. I think I still need time to wrap my head around that idea.
(My cousin got engaged today, I'm elated for him. I don't really know his fiance considering I've never really talked to her before. Man, I don't think I've even been in the same room. Oh well, I'll think of something later. For what it's worth, congratulations Jeff, may your happiness last till the earth erupts and the sky collapses.)
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