So I went home for a couple of days. Finished Surgery and hopped on a plane as soon as I finished work. In retrospect, that might have been overzealous of me.
I had a couple of things I desperately wanted to do once I got back. I wanted to see my parents because God knows this line of work makes you worry sometimes. I wanted to go back to Penang to see Uncle Ameer because nobody seems to know whether he has cancer or not. So begins the endless drive from north to south and all the way up north again.
Uncle Ameer has always been there for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories had him in it; he was about to send me to kindergarten and he said 'Mai I hantaq pi sana. Kita nek motocar'. And I remembered wondering what on earth a motocar was. I thought it was a car on two wheels and got super fucking excited.
It was a strange moment meeting him. He has always been this fit guy who smokes like chimney. And honestly, he was dapper as fuck. Now, he lost a lot of weight and looks pretty tired which is expected considering he's 75 but I just couldn't shake off the feeling that something is terribly off.
I read the TRUS biopsy results. Flipped the page and saw all twelve samples was adenocarcinoma. Gleason 8. Looked at him and his wife. Told them that yep, it's cancer. The whole room became silent. My father held his cigarette in between in fingers and let it smolder. My mom sat unmoving. I expected some form of sadness to take hold of everyone but surprisingly, it didn't. Uncle Ameer just sighed and said 'Betui ka?' and after a pause, 'Takpa la, apa nak buat.'
And that was it. We started talking about death in such a comical manner, it was difficult to believe, especially considering I've always been assailed with an immeasurable sadness when someone in my family is ill. My dad complained to Uncle Ameer that developers are about to start construction on ten new houses in front of ours and he can't take that. He said he wanted to go and live on the farm and Uncle Ameer told him that he should build a proper house there. My dad laughed and said that he's been sleeping over at the farm so often nowadays. Mom complained that our house is too silent now that my father is gone to which my dad said:
'Well yeah, soon when I'm dead, what are you going to do?'
Usually, that statement - which he uses a lot - chills me to the bone. But that day, I genuinely laughed. Perhaps it's the job that makes the thought of death so commonplace. Then the jokes about death came on full blast.
Uncle Ameer: Doctor told me to stop drinking coffee and tea.
Dad: Hang ada tanya dia beer boleh minum ka dak
UA: Apa la hang ni
Dad: Kopi teh tak boleh minum... Hang habaq kat depa soh bunuh hang teruih.
UA: Zufar, doctor habaq haritu depa nak buang teloq uncle haritu. Explain sat, betui ka ni?
Me: Ada pernah baca jugak la lagutu
UA: Alamaaak mintak simpang la. Mati baguih.
And we just laughed at all of these. It hit me right then; death is what we make it to be. It can be a cold, dreary topic or it can be something you laugh about. All it takes is a bit of humour and perhaps, some acceptance.
Tomorrow I'm starting my journey in Medical. Tagging here we go again.
I had a couple of things I desperately wanted to do once I got back. I wanted to see my parents because God knows this line of work makes you worry sometimes. I wanted to go back to Penang to see Uncle Ameer because nobody seems to know whether he has cancer or not. So begins the endless drive from north to south and all the way up north again.
Uncle Ameer has always been there for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories had him in it; he was about to send me to kindergarten and he said 'Mai I hantaq pi sana. Kita nek motocar'. And I remembered wondering what on earth a motocar was. I thought it was a car on two wheels and got super fucking excited.
It was a strange moment meeting him. He has always been this fit guy who smokes like chimney. And honestly, he was dapper as fuck. Now, he lost a lot of weight and looks pretty tired which is expected considering he's 75 but I just couldn't shake off the feeling that something is terribly off.
I read the TRUS biopsy results. Flipped the page and saw all twelve samples was adenocarcinoma. Gleason 8. Looked at him and his wife. Told them that yep, it's cancer. The whole room became silent. My father held his cigarette in between in fingers and let it smolder. My mom sat unmoving. I expected some form of sadness to take hold of everyone but surprisingly, it didn't. Uncle Ameer just sighed and said 'Betui ka?' and after a pause, 'Takpa la, apa nak buat.'
And that was it. We started talking about death in such a comical manner, it was difficult to believe, especially considering I've always been assailed with an immeasurable sadness when someone in my family is ill. My dad complained to Uncle Ameer that developers are about to start construction on ten new houses in front of ours and he can't take that. He said he wanted to go and live on the farm and Uncle Ameer told him that he should build a proper house there. My dad laughed and said that he's been sleeping over at the farm so often nowadays. Mom complained that our house is too silent now that my father is gone to which my dad said:
'Well yeah, soon when I'm dead, what are you going to do?'
Usually, that statement - which he uses a lot - chills me to the bone. But that day, I genuinely laughed. Perhaps it's the job that makes the thought of death so commonplace. Then the jokes about death came on full blast.
Uncle Ameer: Doctor told me to stop drinking coffee and tea.
Dad: Hang ada tanya dia beer boleh minum ka dak
UA: Apa la hang ni
Dad: Kopi teh tak boleh minum... Hang habaq kat depa soh bunuh hang teruih.
UA: Zufar, doctor habaq haritu depa nak buang teloq uncle haritu. Explain sat, betui ka ni?
Me: Ada pernah baca jugak la lagutu
UA: Alamaaak mintak simpang la. Mati baguih.
And we just laughed at all of these. It hit me right then; death is what we make it to be. It can be a cold, dreary topic or it can be something you laugh about. All it takes is a bit of humour and perhaps, some acceptance.
Tomorrow I'm starting my journey in Medical. Tagging here we go again.
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