Sleepless Nights 38 - The wrong era.

I know, I know, I've said this so many times but in all honesty, I cannot stress it enough. I'm born in the wrong age.

Almost every aspect of me is at a clash with the world today. I mean yes, I realise that not being able to use a laptop or listen to a fucken iPod (Which died a few fucken days ago fuck fuck fuckkk) would suck big time but really, I can think of a few things in which I would benefit greatly from not having em. Like getting off my ass and study for instance.

1. Better Fucken Music

I'm not totally against the music nowadays, in which I do enjoy a certain few artists here and there but really, in general, the music nowadays is fucking trash. All you get in the mainstream nowadays is guys who sound like girls, and girls who look like guys and in a whole, a pedophile paradise city. Then you have the ones who can't sing, can't write their own shit so they get the bloody brilliant idea to act as fucken weird as possible to get some form of attention. Attention which the world's bastardly shallow population duly delivers.

I... I rest my case.

Also, I admit; in this point I'm about to make I'm a total bitching hypocrite, but back then, there is total support and respect for the musicians. You don't have all this torrent shit, it's either you like them and are willing to fork out the cash to buy their material, or you don't and you stop buying. I mean it's an almost foolproof way to eliminate these fucken posers. You don't have people back then having a million songs on their playlist but listen to a few hundred, but when the situation arises, goes all 'Oh... My God, thats liek my super favourite band!!! <3' when all they can't even point out which song is which. Point is, better music appreciation those days. Also, you have this:



Enough said on that issue eh?

2. Women.

Yes, women. Or man if women rubs you the wrong way.

Also, I know how vague this one is but really, those days there's a sort of... charm I guess in women that is absent today. I mean yeah, you can go all sexist and say 'Put em in gown and they'll all look the same' or even better; 'Get them out of a gown and they'll all look the same'.

My reply would be fuck off you sexist fag. You put the general population of females in a gown and ask them to dance and they'll break their ankle in no time. You try to get a woman back then in a gown with that attitude and you get your balls pierced by stilettos.

After you stop staring, you'll find your balls crushed. Literally. That's Ginger Rogers and you better fucking remember that.

Which then brings us to...

3. Dancing

Seriously, when did we forget how to dance? Say dance to the common public, all all they think of is grinding and awkward boners. Not that I'm against getting awkward boners (I have been told that it's cute when you blush. Even cuter when you wet your pants. Even cuter when you cry. Proving women are crazy sadists since 1991.) but those days you have what the public calls ballroom dancing and what I call 'Fuck yeah baby, twirl towards me'. Yeah, people think it's corny but that's the whole fucking problem with the world nowadays. Everybody is trying to uphold a god damn egoist value which gives birth to men who don't fucking respect women and women who don't respect themselves. I'm not saying that you have to fucking stay celibate as a way to show your self-appreciation but really, acting like a slut with a neon sign saying 'For Sale' on your crotch doesn't do jackshit. Same goes to men who would fuck anything that moves as a way of proving themselves.

Back to dancing. It's not that it's corny or anything, it's an expression of your feelings. That's why there's so many bloody types of dances, each to it's own and crap, I know Ginger Rogers is sending me hidden messages when she does it. Cause I'm awesome you know, didn't think you'd forget that.



4. The Fucking Clothes.

Yes, this one I reserve strictly to the era before the arrival of non-suited men. Suits are fucking awesome, if you can't even realise that already, then please by all means, leave before I nail you to a table and call my pet torture-fuck-donkey. A few reasons as to define the superiority of suits:

- It's fucking awesome.
- No matter how bad you look, don a suit and you'll look five, no, ten times better.
- It's fucking awesome.
- The abundance of pockets.
- It's fucking awesome.
- Scare value.
- It's fucking awesome.
- Ginger Rogers will love you.

Do note that this only applies to three piece suits and not those god damn blazers. I have one, I know, fuck you. Sure, some would go 'Oh fuck, if you wore that anywhere during summer, you'd die of heat poisoning'. To which I reply; in Soviet Russia heat don't kill you, you kill heat. Or to summarize, if it get's too hot, take the fucking jacket off. Really, look at how many women fall for this bastard:

A huge setback is if you fucking shine. Or look like a cow.

5. The freedom of being yourself.

I know that for every actions, there are limits but using today and back then as a comparison, there is a huge difference. Nowadays, for some reason unknown to myself, the public opinion actually fucking matters in the way you act. If you are some sort of recluse for example, the public would feel obliged to try to fish you out with some sort of infernal claw and make you socialize. They call it helping. Those days, there were too much shit to be dealt with like fucking plagues and witches that people get it if you want to be alone drinking coffee in the comfort of your own being.

Nowadays, if you like to read and study, you get a fat label stamped on your head reading 'Loser'. You're fat, hell say no more, here's a free label. You're scared of the world, join the club. Tell me, what is the justice in that?

Definitely the wrong fucking era.

This is interesting.

Very interesting indeed. If I am right, and not delusional, for example, I have given myself the privilege of concluding this:

My blog is fucking awesome.

Why? I shall explain this by first, showing you people, a picture.

I'm not even fucking kidding you, click on the fucken picture.

For one thing, yes, I am doing this to glorify myself and my undoubtedly awesome self. Another thing is.

FOUR THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY FOUR VIEWS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Holy shit, my left side of the brain just fucking imploded and is being replaced by a fucking black hole. Holy fuck. How is that even possible? How, I say?

Well, yes, to a certain extent, world, you have made me a very happy bunny person. Coupled with Pharmacology, I have, until a few minutes ago, the confidence that the world is in fact, an extremely cruel place and we all have nothing to live for. Except for Pharmacologist. And Physiologist. And Sasha Grey. Mmmm... Sasha Grey...

Of course, I am totally aware of the fact that I have stumbled across a few possible explanations in which this spike in traffic could be logically explained. There might be a sad soul who might've posted my blog's link with the promise of bestiality porn for example.

I mean from the traffic feed, apparently people stumble across my blog through these keywords.

1. Caritas Romana
2. Sunset Depression; I never realised that shit actually meant something.
3. My blog's name.
4. Classic curses; which actually makes sense.
5. Some misspelled variations of number 1.
6. Disadvantages that could happen to caritas; which has succeeded in scaring me.
7. Da bog ti kuca bila na cnn; which most probably mean the most awesome blog ever!!11
8. Funny Armenian curses.

I dunno, but somewhere along the line, my totally cool and awesome broadsword wielding Armenian self must've materialised, said a couple of jokes out loud in public, did a witty dance and disappeared.

Yeah, totes.

But really, one of the links showing a source of traffic came from and Indonesian NSFW site which for some reason flatters me. People are opting this shit instead of porn. Here commoners, take upon thyself these golden words of gratitude and keep it close to thine hearts, may ye be blessed by it.

All in all, pornsite or not, sincere or not, I fucken thank thee, world. Haha! Fuck yeah mafucker!!!

Sleepless Nights 37 - Self Pampering.

I'd say something delightful really, but having me tonsils swollen up to shits doesn't help. Aye, I know, it's not that swollen but frig it, when an egoist cries, the fact is that it's fucken raining. You follow? Nah, of course you don't, you're here to read the fucken ramblings of a mad fuck innit, it serves as a reminder that your life is pretty good actually. Yeah, tell that to yourself on those lone, lonely nights.

The fact of the matter is, this is how I pamper meself, I tell you how fucked up you really are and I feed off your itty-bitty offense. It's not much, people really have to learn to unleash that beautiful beast rage, instead of caging it. On second thoughts, do cage it. It's all molten rock and ash and lava once it breaks out.

So, anyways, let's get back to insulting you.

I find that people really don't have a tad bit of decency nowadays. I mean yes, a friend is a friend is a friend but really, to pile your gargantuan amount of shit on someone is really, just despicable. I'm not talking bout the much needed I-need-to-fucking-vent-me-anger kind of shit, instead I'm talking about those small things that you tend to whine about, like why your boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to you anymore or how you keep on getting stabbed in the back by your friends. Your boyfriend hates the sight of you because you're getting fat, boring and fucking whiny. You repeatedly get stabbed in the back because you're too fucking stupid to choose your friends. Deal with it you dumb slut.

You never stop to think that other people do have their problems and fucked up shit they need to deal with. Your whining doesn't fucking help. Just because you labelled some unfortunate soul as a good listener, it doesn't mean that their ears are yours for the taking. They need it too sometimes you know, for listening to other things that don;t concern you.

Also, some people do not, can not and will not seek you for help. It may be that you're a useless fuck who can't solve the simplest of problems or you might be someone who acts like you know everything but in the end, you fuck things up so much more. Or it could be something as simple as 'I do not want to expose myself to you, hence fuck off'. Pressuring people into talking to you might just be why you suck so much as a friend. Some people prefer to open up their entire heart and soul, some people clam shut like a vice. Forcing it open kills.

*
I got a minor electrocution by touching a spot on the ceiling which was leaking. Hmmm. Back to offense.
*

Bugger it all innit? It's funny how people never seem to listen to what I say. I do not kid around when I tell you that I am an asshole and a fucked up person. At times, I pack my stuff and leave you hanging, mainly because I am bored and I have my attention well spent. Still some people could look me in the eye and tell me that nay, mate, you're the fucken bees knees. Honestly, I appreciate the whole 'I'll never leave your side, and will strive to help you' mentality that you have but seriously, I am not worth it. Depending on who you are, I most probably won't do the same to you. Sure you can keep me interested, but how long are you going to fake the whole everyday-is-full-of-hilarious-surprises. There's a limit, I know it, you know it, and you too have the green light from me to walk out. The world revolves nonetheless. Also, after awhile, you get fucken irritating.

There's so many flaws in us, you, me, the whole bloody lot of us and I am a judgmental person. Fuck the whole not judging the book by its cover. 8 out of 10 people who look bad are rotten inside, and even if they aren't, I for one, am not taking any chances. Yes, I acknowledge your existence when we pass by each other in the streets but fuck mate, it doesn't make us best pals immediately. Heck, it doesn't even make us friends, as far as I am concerned, you're the boil on creation's bum. I know I am, so why the fuck can't you accept that and move along. Newsflash to you: You aren't gonna be missing anything.

I take friendship lightly, not because I do not appreciate it, but because I'm much more comfortable being by my own self. Sure, once in a while I find someone who strikes me as a person with a lot of similarities and I will make the best out of that but really, that does not happen often. Especially not here with you frakkers. I mean fuckers. Ah well, tomatos and potatoes eh?

Well then, my self-pampering moment is over. Cheers, world.

The doom of man.

*After writing this post I can safely say that this article is not for public view. In fact, it should be locked in a metal chest and submerged, out of the reaches of mankind. Reading this is comparable to looking at Satan's genitals. Consider this a fair warning. Turn back. This will corrupt your soul.*

There's many things that can actually scare a person, I mean really, you don't have to even think for it to come to you. Reptiles, pointed objects, the man upstairs and so on, and while we're on this topic, I guess it is true when they say one man's bane is another man's sexual desire. Or something like that. Please, consult Shakespeare.

I guess I'm a pretty easy guy to scare, though unconventional methods pretty much accounts right about three quarters of it. I've pretty much listed most of it HERE! but I must have forgotten about the most important thing.

Ideas. And the way to convey said idea: Words.

I shit you not, some words have transcended their meager existence and have managed to get hold of a stable manifestation where it projects images into your feeble brain. Some directly gives you the horrors in which they are responsible for but some... Some have evolved and they manipulate your perception into thinking they are in fact, on par with ponies and rainbows and to certain extent... Whips. For example; the term Cleveland Steamer. Honestly, what comes to mind when hearing or reading said phrase is well, this:

Make way for Noddy, NODDY! Wait...

I mean that driver could easily be called Cleveland and apparently he is that good at his job so that every time somebody (A hardcore scholar in the arts of heavy machinery perhaps) sees the aftermath of his work, they'd shake their head in pure awe and say 'I'm one of the lucky ones... To have seen the Cleveland Steamer... I shall pay tribute to this by writing down this moment into poetry, never to be forgotten for ages to come'. Presumably while having a soft gentle breeze blow and tussle his hair.

But of course, reality takes a sledgehammer and slams it into your face at 120km/h. This is what the Cleveland Steamer looks like:

For once, trust me. You do not want this.

I rarely find myself at a lost when it comes to making dick jokes or more appropriately, when it comes to writing. But this time... I truly am. I fear that I would lose my sanity just by typing the introductions to this obvious earth-grown but hell harvested piece of ultimate blasphemy... Hence I shall, with a heavy heart, pass the torch to Urban Dictionary. This will scar you. Indeed it will.

The cleveland steamer is far more specific than the listings I have seen here. A sexual act by nature (fetish) the cleveland steamer is when one person craps on another person's chest and (very important) then sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam roller.

Billy had just gotten out of the shower, so me and John gave min a cleveland steamer.

The description itself has the omnipotent ability to tear your sanity apart and devour it's essence but the example... It... It must've blinded God for if it did not, part of the world have been incinerated. If you do not feel Billy's pain you have no soul and most probably would enjoy a Cleveland Steamer.

2. Alaskan Firedragon.

If you don't think that this right here is one of the most awesome choices for a band name, then you are clinically and literally fucked up. Rest assured that your days after reading this post will be riddled with STDs and shemales. On the other hand, you fucking lucky bastard.

Seriously, I say this honestly now, I think that this term is on the level of ultra-hyper-Rajinikanth inspirational that if the mentally challenged hears this, he/she would immediately gain and intelligence level surpassing that of Saiyans and will proceed to pelt you with mathematical equations till you give yourself a Cleveland Steamer. Fuck, women are not advised to continuously linger around this term for fear of growing seventeen testicles in four scrotums. I feel like I want to clip this term's wings and stuff it in a jar and make it my bride.

This comes to mind.

This is, of course, before the truth reveals it's ugly seventeen-testicled head.

When a man is just about to ejaculate while recieving oral sex, he pushes down the woman's head, leans in and says something shocking such as "I have herpes." The woman will choke and try to pull back. The man then ejaculates into the back of her throat while she is choking, forcing the semen through her nostrils. This is similar to laughing while drinking milk.

I gave my girlfriend an alaskan firedragon last night. 

If the way to cleanse oneself from sin would be to go outside naked for the next ten days... I dare say the world's textile manufacturers would burn their factories and themselves along with it. Did you feel it? Did you feel your sweet childhood memories being tossed into an incinerator by a naked pedophile and then superheated and eventually it crumble into ash? DID YOU FUCKING FEEL IT?

3. Strawberry Lemonade.

The day was blistering hot, you're parched, your throat is burning, the sweat that drips down your forehead no longer contains water but bodily fluids instead. Then in the distance you see a shop, brightly illuminated and the only thing it has as it's logo is a woodpecker winking at you while guzzling a stint of ice cold beverage. You run, sprint, faster and faster, ignoring the cells dying, all you need is some form of liquid, to satisfy the demons wreaking havoc in your body. The shopkeeper looks at you and smiles, he says that all they have left are strawberry lemonades. You babble something unintelligible while throwing notes of monetary value at him. He leaves and returns shortly with a glass of presumed heaven. You snatch it out of his fingers and chug it, ignoring the mess or how you look.

You sigh and ask for another from the shopkeeper, you can feel your cells celebrating, shooting fireworks and worshiping you. You ask what it is as an attempt to make some conversation and the shopkeeper hands you a copy of the urban dictionary. You flip to the bookmarked page.

When a girl is on her period, her strawberry lemonade is the mixture of piss and period blood

You drop the dictionary. You saw a knife, grabbed it and plunged it into your stomach. As you lay dying, you hear the shopkeeper laugh and say that it never ever gets old. Never. Ever. Gets. Old. (I have deleted the example because it was too fucking disturbing)

4. Hot Colton.

The first thing that comes to mind is something edible, like cotton candy, only warm and super fuzzy and eating it makes you feel like the king/queen of the multiverse. Or it's a Curry in which eating it will make your mouth feel as if it has been shot (A Colt is a gun, please, educate yourselves) by a ton of bullets. You know, Colt + Ton = Colton. Whatever it is, still edible.

How the world loves your agony.

The Hot Colton is the sexual act of, after having sex with your girlfriend, going into another room to defecate on the floor.

Did you hear about Ryan? He took a Hot Colton last night.

The pinnacle of evil: Promising food but giving shit instead. I curse your family into ten generations of sex-slave trade and constant whipping.

5. Alabama Hot Pocket.

So far, I believe this is the best one at demonstrating my point. This is a bit extreme, just so you know. I realise how Hot Pocket sounds like something related to, again, food but apparently- You know what, I give the fuck up. This will haunt my sweetest dreams, this will change me. This. Will destroy me.

Because I want it to haunt you too. Enjoy your sandwich.

A sexual procedure in which a male and female couple partake. The first step is for the male to defecate in the female's vagina, next the couple join together in sexual intercourse. A close relative of the Cleavland Steamer.

Don't make the same mistake as your father. When you go to Montgomery don't buy $20 hookers. They have fallen victim to the Alabama Hot Pocket.

I repeat. Enjoy your fucking sandwich.

6. Donkey Punch.

Ha-ha-ha! You punch like a Donkey! Are you high man? Are you fucking high? My dog can punch better! At least his hurt! Yours felt like wiping my face with the feather of the softest bird, no, a non-existent bird! You fucker! Why do you aim to corrupt my mind?

Because I want you to feel dead, every single time you look at a donkey.

The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better (for you ofcourse).

I donkey punched Meredith last night, and It was awesome

7. Angry Pirate.

So anyways, I was out with this buggers and one of em starts to act like this fucking angry pirate. Fuck, it freaked everyone at the shop out. There was this chic shopping for groceries and something and he went right in front of her trolley and starts to fucken babble these pirate catchphrases. She just flipped man, start to fucken curse and shit and you're not gonna believe this, she collapsed and started to cry. So the bugger kinda felt guilty and went and comforted her and guess what. They're married now, with three beautiful kids. Hahahaha, can you actually imagine that? Can you imagine how awesome it would be if people were that sane instead of perverting shit like this?:

When a man is receiving head while standing and his partner on their knees. Just before he ejaculates in his partners mouth, he pulls out and shoots his load in his partners eye. This will cause his partner to shut the eye with the semen in it. When the partner jumps up in anger, the man when kicks his partner in the shin, causing the partner to jump up and down holding the kicked leg and screaming "ARRRGHH!" in pain.

I got back at that cheating bitch by giving her the angry pirate just before I broke up with her!

Because reality hates you.

I have to stop right now. Being on Urban Dictionary and clicking random is no different from being on 4Chan, it twists your soul until you can no longer recognize yourself. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I see is a void, a churning sea of darkness replacing my reflection. I can no longer feel any humanity in myself, if I cut myself, I believe I will leak an Alabama Hot Pocket. I feel numb, so numb, my eyes see nothing except the perversions of mankind. You too have been infected, you will feel restless unless you get a dose of deviation. Curse me not, for thy desireth brought thou upon this insanity.

Sleepless Nights 36 - How I Spent New Years Eve; From the Eyes of a Morbid 19 Year Old.

First and foremost, this, I have to point out. The real reason why everybody loves the new year is because it is the only day in the whole year where nobody is alone in the thought that they have all become older by a year and hence, death gains a whole year's worth of a lead. Plus, that's another year full of fuck ups added to that secret diary that you hide under your bed, wedged nicely between the pink frilly dress and the monster dildo.

So, what am I doing while other potentially hot busty women are out getting drunk and cheap? I'm staring blankly at fucking words, describing the useless and fucking boring human body.

Yes, I fucking wish.

I swear, there is no way in whatever it is that you consider holy to make this trial a more pleasant one. The author must've had a grudge in his twisted little panty soiling mind of his when he wrote it. Apparently, shapes isn't his strong point either. I quote "... into three and a half triangles on each side...". Half a triangle. That's funny, the last time I cut a triangle in half, it morphed into a right angled triangle and kicked me in the nuts so hard that I shat my tongue. How this man obtained the elusive creature 'half a triangle' remains a mystery...

I've been wondering how racial supremacist look at themselves anatomically. Do they imagine that other races don't have what they have, or do they psychologically add stuff to their body? Like an engine of a Mustang or something or a watch substituting their heart. Wait, this seems familiar.

I cry racist!

Then, the fucking cranial cavity. It looks like a god damned sponge that was left alone in a room with a sponge-o-phile and then hardened just for the fucks of it. I'm not shitting you, the amount of holes in that bastard child of a bone is like the remnants of a gun shooting. It's a fucking wonder how your brain doesn't leak out into your mouth or shit like that. I used to have a fantasy of using the skull as a bowl. Just like that, Anatomy shoots the bugger in between the eyes. I hope you're happy you fuck.

After searching for 'sponge', the results dominated by various SpongeBobs caused this.

So now, here I am forsaking my book while translating Malay songs into English on Google. And guess what. It's fucking hilarious. Below I bestow upon thee; fucking comedy.

Ketupat rendang sila nikmati kawan = Just enjoying my shady Sepang.
Wajik dan dodol jangan lupakan,Peninggalan nenek zaman berzaman = diamond and dodol never forget, The remains of grandmother age generations
Aku bukan lelaki yang tewas = I'm not the man who killed

But of course, I get bored. Still, that's some funny shit right there. I mean what the fuck is a Shady Sepang? SEPANG? And fucking diamonds and dodols killing the grandmother? You, Sir Google, win.

I find that of all things, Egypt lacks chaos. For those who are looking at this post bug eyed while imagining me, fuck you. Egypt is like that little evil gnome behind you that tries to severe your medulla from the rest of your spinal cord. It's cowardly, cunning and fucking annoying, which basically means that it dabbles in the crude art of sexual harassment, mugging in dark alleys and maybe a tad bit of sodomy here and there. What I mean is a full fledged riot, with god damned molotov cocktails or some shit. I mean, these guys already start fires and throw shit from their house into the street in the name of customs, why not go one step ahead. Like making a fire on top of someone.

On an unrelated note, I find it baffling (I hate this word.) that so many people don't have any fucken idea on what steampunk is. I mean really? Really? How can you not know of my childhood fantasies? Explaining it would be too hard, here's an explanation: HERE FOOLS! Also, here's some pictures to lightly denote the complete fucken awesomeness of it.

It's called the fucken Villainizer.

I beg that one of you buy/make/steal this shit for me. I'd, uh, be your personal slave for roughly ten years. And this post has gone on and on for so fucking long. It's time to go back to em words.