And I Dream...

I descended. Of course, I would prefer to say that I slammed down onto a certain hard surface; splitting said surface and acting utterly superb but no, that would not have been the truth. I simply descended, slowly, and my feet touched the hard surface without any considerable impact.

I was naked, no, not naked, my flesh was not bared. It was, however, not clothed either, in the simplest sense, I could only describe a swirling cloud of unformed thoughts surrounding my body. So I set my mind to it, an easy feat, really. A shirt, plain, white, a tight fit for my small frame. Jeans, yes, dark as night. And a waistcoat, I felt like wearing something formal for I sense the presence of someone of utmost importance in the vicinity. Shoes? No, I wanted to feel the earth beneath my feet. The smoke dispersed, I adjusted my hair. I knew where I was.

Forward I moved, and the landscape twisted and turned as I walk past. Nothing is constant, noting ever stays the same. They continuously churn and wriggle, as worms do when they come in contact with a heat too great for their own life’s sustenance. I then stood forth before a castle, a looming silver behemoth of a structure, its very presence was demeaning and I knew that I have arrived to the Master’s lair. The gates were wrought of metals unbeknownst to me, they shone with an inner fire which blinded me. A voice boomed:

“Who dareth intrude the Master’s realm? Who dareth come unannounced? Who dareth challenge the might of Oneirus?” It chilled my very bones, the voice itself clawed at my heart, shred my will and I nearly faltered. In utter fright, I answered.

“I… I challenge no one. I do not find myself here complying with my will, nor do I know any purpose to which I am attracted to this strange city. I mean no harm and I come only armed with words and naught else.” Exhale. Calm down. You have not done any harm, a voice whispered in me. My courage returned to me, and I forced the demonic force present in the voice to flee.

“I seek an audience… With the lord of this realm, for I feel Lady Fate has brought me here for a reason, though the knowledge of that I have not.” Silence. There is not a whisper.

“You may enter, mortal. Enter the Lord’s sanctum and announce thyself.” The voice echoed and the gates swung open. I hesitated, of course, I knew not what lay in front of me. Doom or boon, and yet my insatiable curiosity forced me to ignore the fear and onwards I trudged.

Beautiful. As soon as I entered, I was greeted by arches and sculptures and wonders I could never find in the waking world. Announce myself, I remembered the voice telling me. But to whom? There is nary a soul present, only silent stares from stone and marble. Yet, I knew I had to, it was protocol and to go against it would prove to be destructive.

“I am a mortal man, of what house I know not. I humbly request an audience with the Master of this house, for I seek answers and wisdom. Forgive me, sire, if I have trespassed upon thy realm, for I mean not this intrusion.” I shouted, my voice echoing and clinging to the arches and pillars, as if they did not want to pass on.

“I heed thy plea, mortal, enter and we shall converse.” A different voice. It was somewhat distant, and I could only seem to remember bits and pieces of it when it ended. What manner of creature was I dealing with? Nevertheless I found my feet carrying my body deeper into the building. There was a massive door, closed, blocking my path. I thought of how futile it would be for me to open it, I knew that the strength in me was not sufficient to pry them open. Yet, as I touched it, slowly but surely did it part, just enough for me to enter.

“I welcome thee, mortal, to my realm. To how thou have had the ability to penetrate my barriers, I know naught of, but I welcome thee still.” I nearly collapsed. In front of my eyes sat a creature so majestic, so graceful and at the same time, malice emanated from it. It was in the form of a beast, sitting upon its throne with wings of the utmost beauty spread apart. Then it spoke: “Doth this form disturb thee, mortal? Why doth thou quake in fear, thy feet hardly able to support thy frame?”

“No, lord, I tremble and shiver only because of thine eloquence. Forgive this soul for exhibiting such impertinence before thee, my Liege.” I could hardly raise my voice, I felt as a mouse in the presence of a mighty feline, life hanging on a balance.

“Sit then, I cannot bear the sight of my guest in a state as such.” Behind me the same smoke which I had manipulated earlier appeared and it shaped itself into a chair with intricate carvings of marble and emerald. I did as I was told, and it calmed me.

“Now then, speak, what art thou wandering in my realm for? Didst thou not know the price of meddling in affairs unfamiliar to thou?”

I wanted to say that again, I did not know. That I was brought there against my will, as I had told the voice at the gate. Then it dawned upon me. I knew what I needed to ask.

“My Lord, I ask for pardon for what I ask may offend thee, however I must. Who art thou Lord? Where is this strange realm to which I am reduced to wandering without a cause?” The beast stared at me. Its eyes were dark pools with stars shining ever so brightly.

“I am one with many a name. Morpheus they call me, Oneirus, one of the endless, I belong to. I am Dream, the Master, and this strange land thou speak of; it is Dreamscape. The realm in which I reign and one which only I could alter. Thou mortal, do not belong here, but it seems that Lady Fate hath deemed it so that thee should arrive here. Destiny must have a hand in this, I shalt save this conundrum for later. And mortal, why do you not speak to me in a tongue more familiar to you? It is easier for you, and easier for me to fathom. I appreciate your humility, but it only goes so far. Please, be at ease. I do not mean harm.” The beast changed its form and from the smoke which appeared, out came a tall man, with wild hair and a thin frame. Only his eyes stayed the same, stars in dark pools.

“Forgive me, lord, but I am afraid. If you deem it so, then I will use this langue, but I cannot under any circumstances use a more colloquial variation. If I may be so bold, why am I here, good Sir, I cannot see my role in this play. Would you enlighten me?” As the words poured out, I felt a great surge of fear, again. What if he was offended by my words? What if I let slip a curse?

“I don’t know, myself. Destiny and Fate tend to work in ways even I cannot fully understand. What matters is that you’re here, and so I shall humour these turn of events. However, I cannot do this for long, I have matters to attend to. Ask me what you would like to know, child… I believe in common speech nowadays, it is called… ‘Shoot’?” He chuckled to himself, this seemed to humour him a great deal. I dare not ask.

“Sir… I…” Then it struck me. I only have a short period of time, and I know that I could only have an allowance of one single question. I doubt that I would meet him again. “Sir… Why… Why do I get these nightmares? These recurrent dreams that haunt me for so long, why do you allow them to ravage my very mind? Tell me, my Liege, for only you could fully comprehend this.” Cold sweat broke and wet my forehead. Will this anger him? Will I survive his wrath? He looked at me, and I could feel my mind telling me that I must run, if I were to have a chance to survive whatever catastrophe that was going to fall upon me. Then his expression softened, and he laughed. Hard, true and pure, the halls of his castle echo with his booming laughter. After a while, he composed himself and looked at me as a father looks at his troubled son.

“Child… Oh, child, foolish child, it is in my power to divulge that information to you but I will not. It would be pointless for me to do so, for a person whose very thirst is only satiated by the reaping of knowledge itself, I will deprive you of your very life force.” He glanced upwards, and at that time seemed very distant, as if he was disconnected to myself and his surroundings. Then he returned and his face exhibited urgency. I knew my time was up. “Now, mortal, it is time for you to return to your own world. I have other matters to attend you, and of grave importance they are. I have enjoyed this, child, verily and as payment… “ He opened his clasped palm and touched my temple with it. “Now dream… In peace…”

I dreamt.

*

This is what reading Dante's Divine Comedy and Gaiman's Sandman at the same time does to you.

Sleepless Nights 50 - Fucking ABBA, Why Are You So Goddamn Awesome.

50. Holy fuck, '50 Sleepless Nights' posts.

I've come a long way since the first post, three years ago, writing wise and wiseness wise. Back then, I was still that bumbling fool, LOL-ing and fucking dancing in the clouds. Nowadays, my feet are more firmly attached to the ground and yes, in a way, I do miss those days. Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders. (Nietzsche.)

Ignorance, it is a curious thing indeed. I do not see the days where I was clouded in it bad, in fact, I think they were less taxing days. What you do not know, will hurt you not and that is probably the truest words in a sense. Metaphorically of course, if you do not know a lion, it could still maul you to death.

Finally, a picture!

Those days, everything was easy. It was easy to accept, it was easy to let go, it was easy to breeze past things. I did not think of questioning.

No, I won't trade this enlightenment for the past. To be as I am nowadays, is a gift, albeit a cruel one. I understand so much more, I've gained so much more knowledge and accompanying the pain, is a euphoria so massive that it gets me fucking high. Enough on that.

It's a funny thing growing up. To realise that you're ageing, to actually see the physical change, it humours me. Reminds me I'm human, I guess, prevents me from getting over me head. 

With that said, holy fuck, I deserve to be fucking immortal. Why? Because I lust for knowledge, being present in this mortal cage will not satisfy this hunger growing more powerful every single day. I want more, and more, and fucking more, and there is no way I could achieve what I want with such a thing as age. I don't see the point in hoarding money, or women, or fucking being immortal just for the fucks of it, at the end of the day, these things will bore me. But knowledge... To have the ability to transcend above everything else, to know and to understand... That's the greatest gift and power a person could get. When the fuck is the philosopher's stone going to be discovered...

I've been writing a lot more than before, at the expense of photography. It's weird, it brings about such a profound sadness to not be able to capture the images I have in my head. Maybe it's time to actually chill the fuck out and start from scratch when the time comes... Fuck. Fuck.

I'd be a fucking awesome teacher. Like really fucking awesome. I'd teach the kids shit that the present flawed education system fails to integrate and they'll grow up knowing the importance of knowledge; not only in one specific field, but in a more diverse way. It's sad to see the future generation having to be shackled by the burden of a shallow mindset. I guess that's what I'd like to do. Change the academic system back home, so that there'll be no more Ministers who can't fucking speak proper English when interviewed by a goddamn global media channel. Oh yes, I abhor that fuck.

A long overdue chapter of 'Trade Bargain' is coming soon, how soon, I cannot specify. But it's developing, I think, hopefully into something worth reading... So much to do, so little time. I found out that Keats died at the age of 25. Fuck, the utter fuckupperry is massively depressing... Such a genius, such a romantic, gone before he could even fucking taste the bitterness of age. Hmmm, death, a curious thing indeed...

And fucking hot too, it seems.

I'm reading Gaiman's Sandman, fuck how does he even write that way dammit.

Ode to Time.

The conqueror of all, thou art christened,

Never didst thou age, and never wilt thou understand,

An everlasting testament, a higher power there existeth none,

Death and life art thy puppets,

Swayeth they in the clutches of thin steel fingers.

Exceptions thou giveth not,

But this ailing soul with its yearnings and wants

Beseech thy grace to reconsider.

Strike me with thy furious wrath!

Tear at my body with claws of celestial omnipotence,

Bequeath this insolent flesh with the fire of thy pride.

Thou art my Queen, of all mortal souls,

A slave I am to thy grace and a slave will I remain,

Yet prithee, Milady, on all fours I beg,

Preserve these moments, prolong my bliss,

In thy currency I deal with thee.

Of man I am, weak and mortal,

Yet my heart in everlasting darkness

bow down to thee in utter humility,

Even when my senses scream and futile art my pleas,

I durst for I have tasted an unrivalled stupor.

This prison wilt wither but thou shall remain,

To dust I shall return but to thee shalt my memory remain.

Milady,

Canst thou spare this soul a night

To be with his beloved?

To cleanse my mind of thy authority,

And to accompany my cherished, nary an inkling of thy presence.

Wilt it be too grave of a sin, my Liege,

For I to deceive myself of thy procession?

Sleepless Nights 49 - You What?!

I actually enjoy your depraved, temporary insane moments. Really I do.

But? There's always a but isn't there?

Yes, but. I cannot find it in my conscience to agree with what you did. Well, our conscience. For now.

The past is the past, innit? Look mate, I'm moving on. It's been what, how many years since back then, I think it's about fucken time yeah?

It's been four years. Four years. Three years and a few odd months, to be exact but I digress. That wasn't an act of moving on, that's denial at its best. Deny the fact that she ever existed, deny the memories and it's all fine and dandy, yes?

Sigh, why do we have to do this every single fucking time. Look, to be perfectly fucking honest, we haven't been in contact since the beginning of time-

Quite the hyperbole there, I must say.

Fuck you. As I was saying we haven't been in contact. If she saw me nowadays, riding the LRT or fucking a horse by the roadside, she wouldn't even recognise me. Maybe the odd feeling of familiarity but that's it. What's the use of keeping something that doesn't serve any function anyway? What possible good is there in keeping something that only reminds me of those fucked up days? None. Trust me one this, she wouldn't even realise what happened.

Haven't been in contact... Somehow I sense a flaw in the integrity of that statement... What is it, I wonder... Wait, let me think real hard, I'm pretty sure I know this one... Wait for it... Wait for it... Ah yes, of course! She tried to mend things didn't she? Way early. Quite a lot too, if memory serves and you remember it too. And what did you do? What did Mr. Tough guy do? You ignored the pleas of a crying damsel and you embraced the shattered bond. Quite fitting, I must say, indeed.

My point still stands. I acted like an asshole-

Like an asshole? Tut tut, I have to intervene. You acted on instinct and raw nature. Don't blame it on some god damned trait that doesn't even exist in you.

That's getting quite irritating. Very well then, I rephrase. I acted on impulse back then because I knew that there isn't a valid way that it would work out. I mean, seriously. I'm a free bird aren't I? Have been, will always be and I cannot, under any circumstances present, be chained down by something such as distance and what not. Unacceptable. Now that shit is over with, ages ago, we have not been in contact and our so called 'bond' has developed into only status likes and the occasional comment which has so far, been ignored by both parties. I see no point in even calling it a friendship. Her face is not a profile picture.

For fuck's sake, I know your fucking point of view. I always do, even when it's to the point of utter insanity but this, this isn't the way to fucking do it. I don't mind you removing all the other worthless fucks on the list, cause none of them even knows who you are. She does, fucker, and you know what else? She made an impression. Showed you your mistakes, fuck it, showed who you really are in monochrome. You don't just brush people off just fucking like that.

You do realise that through your own logic, this just means that I'm acting as natural as possible. I mean, hey, you're the one that said being an asshole is an inborn trait, aye? Also, where's the other guy? This is new, aren't you guys fucking twins?

The other guy is too pissed off to even speak to you. You disgust him for some reason and I find it quite easy to understand why.

Sigh, you fucking hypocritical fuckers. You didn't even like her and now, just because I did something offensive to you, out comes the holier than thou shotgun, eh? Nice going, really, the two of you. Just perfect. When I was fucking around, what did you say? 'Get out of this', 'It's obviously going to get ugly', 'She's not fucking trustworthy', all that jizz. And now, here we are. Nicely done.

Oh, trust me, I still don't like her. Too full of shit and superficial for my tastes. It does not, however, change the fact that you're in the wrong.

You know what, fuck you. I'm content. It doesn't bother me, I'm not losing any sleep over it and I can't fucking give a damn. You know when she'll realise all this? Yeah, I know that's what you were about to use as your next point because you're fucking me. She'll notice this on the 28th of next month, then she'll get pissed off. Then she'll forget about it, just like every other human being. At most, she'll send me a hate fuelled message. The outcome stays the same.

Ah, we'll see friend. We'll see. This might be interesting, I always knew how soft you are when them tears start rolling down. It'll be fun, real horrorshow.

You Think You're the Only One Who Have Rights?

Dedicated to all SMOKERS:
A fully burnt cigarette ash said:
Today its me, because of u,
Tomorrow its u, because of me...
COPY N PASTE IF U HATE CIGARETTES AND SMOKING.


So, as I waited for daylight to emerge - Time to sleep, in other words - my eyes were forced to feast upon said words a distant acquaintance posted as his Facebook status. For some reason this irked the fuck out of me, possibly because said person was - Or maybe is - a smoker, and possibly because there's so many of that shit circulating round the internet nowadays. It gets old, and old is annoying.


What gets to me is that you people are constantly going on and fucking on about how being amongst smokers annoys you et cetera when none of you even have the goddamn balls / lady balls to go ahead and tell it to us face to face. In a public place for example, all you do is look at us in scorn as if we are the very scum of the multiverse itself. Never have you openly approached us and told us about your views and most of the time, you in your perfect little world think that we won't give a fuck anyway. Of course, here I am referring to the general populace, as I always do.


So here's my view on the whole fuckupperry. Most of you non-smokers have a somewhat twisted view in which you see yourself perched upon a high-up balcony and the rest of us i.e. smokers are ants with our feet firmly planted on the ground. In short, you believe that you're a higher race.


See, you have quite a few things right, I have to admit. The ultimate truth is indisputable after all. We have a short lifespan, yes. We have a tendency to make you hate us due to the fumes et cetera, hmmm, yes. That's as far as I can go, really. What you got wrong, ultimately, is that we're scum, and that we contribute to the degenerating morales of the youths today. I don't really get that, to be honest, cause using that logic, then I can safely say that people who wear say, sandals rather than shoes are in fact, evil masterminds.


Let's take a few scenarios. In a public place for example. Need I say any more? It's a public place. Public. Meaning for the use of all. If I, a smoker, were to indulge in my hobby, there isn't any rules that I'm breaching. The fact that you yourself are condemning me, is wrong on your behalf. It's a public place, I can do whatever the fuck I want as long as it doesn't go against the flow of society. Like, say, raping a prepubescent teen in broad daylight.


Then there's the whole restaurant dilemma. I wonder why is it that people actually get pissed off and bitch about the fact that smokers are disrupting their meal and precious bonding time when they're sitting in the fucking smoker's section. But of course, they're always right because they had no choice; the restaurant was fully booked, and it was the only seat they could get. Of course. If you actually used your fucken brain and eyes to observe, most of us actually exit the shop and smoke somewhere else. Most of us aren't that fucking thoughtless, and the rest, you just need to ask. But you're too great for that. Of course.


Personally as a smoker, I don't smoke right smack in the middle of a fucking crowd of people. I isolate myself out of where people breathe and what not. If I see a child, I walk away from him/her and you know what I honestly think? It doesn't fucking do shit. Why? Look around you. I'm a smoker, yes. Blame me, sure. But look at everyone else, drivers, litterers, corporate bosses in their glass offices, all that. If you were to say that we smokers are the main reason that you get sick, that you get frustrated and what not, then I can safely say fuck you. What about the fumes from vehicles and the pollution from your own home appliances? That hole in the ozone layer, exclusively from smokers? Wonderful, I should probably apologise to Motherfucking Nature the next time I meet her.


What I think? Just another reason for you to go ahead and take the golden free for all ticket to bash some fuck. To justify your greatness. To usher yourself in the spotlight and rightly say that you're better. To say 'Look everyone, I'm a way better human being than this bugger with his ciggie over here'. That's all there is to it. Self satisfaction. Nothing more, nothing less. Look, guy, if it comes to blaming, I can hold you responsible for half of the shit the world is suffering from. I honestly can, but what the fuck does it do?


Some of you go around saying that you want to help us. Well fuck, I never realised I needed helping. I must be that disconnected from meself to not have realised that. It's like I'm smoking because I have to, or else I'll be skinned alive by the cigarette companies. What fucking logic is that? I smoke because I want to, not because I'm forced to, it's because I like it. And probably addiction, but you know, minor stuff. You can actually help, come to think of it. By not fucking annoying me.