The Pillar Crumbles

What the fuck man, these guys are bloody awesome.

Insecure post ahead, heads up.


I talked to my best friend yesterday, we haven't been in contact for quite a fucking while now. Usually when we talk, it becomes a lighthearted affair. It used to be hilarious, we'd reminisce a lot about college days and I make it a point to remind him that his mother prefers me over him. It's a somewhat cruel statement but to use the common slang, 'We cool like that'. Yo? Should I add a yo? I don't know anymore.

He messaged me on facebook (Always forgetting the whatsapp, you dimwitted dick) and for once, I actually felt like I needed a pick me up. That was how our friendship worked; if either of us had too much on our hands and we needed to unload, the other would offer a reminder on how we were blowing things out of proportion. This entails the clever use of heavy, unacceptable, dark humour; the kind that makes genocide seem like a laughable matter. And then things will return to normal and we'll go back to doing whatever we are doing et cetera.

We've been doing it for years. We're so used to not being frazzled by anything. Yesterday, however, through the confines of virtual space, one could feel the weight of everything that we brushed away with humour come back screaming vengeance.

We asked each other how we were. Usually, this took close to an hour but this time, it didn't exceed five replies. Family's okay, I'm okay, not bad. Then the insecurities began pouring out, the dam broke and we found ourselves neck deep in the water.

I'm not going to bore you with details. It serves no purpose. I've always thought that he, of all people, would have no problems whatsoever dealing with Med school. He's the kind of person who you can't help but envy because it seems that he has the world and all of its mysteries contained in his skull. Perhaps that was how we became such great friends, we shared the same lust for knowledge.

To be honest, I would hate for him to pull the whole medical student job without a hitch. I'd be consumed with envy, probably to the point where I'd resent his life and mine. However, I must make it clear that I'd be so grateful if he did. Quite contradictory, is it not? I don't know how to explain it in an adequate manner.

I'd like him to have no troubles so that at least I could have a person I trust tell me how to get through without feeling like utter shit most of the time. In my ideal albeit fictional world, I have always, always pictured him in that form. Laughing in the face of our Lady Medicine and making her his bitch instead. I'd gladly succumb to my self-destructing envy if that is what it's going to take.

But that world is of course, one of fiction. Let me tell you, I have never been as depressed as when I read his messages.

See, I got into Medicine not by choice. I was a weak willed little fucker who went along with the Asian stereotype of keeping his parents happy at the cost of my own future. He chose to enter this domain. I don't know why but that fact is important to me. The fact that he wants to do this and is fucking not able to is quite simply, disheartening. In simpler terms, it's like watching the Flash fail at the 100m sprinting event.

I swear that I'm not being condescending. On the contrary, I'm playing out of character and actually being concerned for another human being for a change. On that note, whoever said that this is a rewarding feeling can go fuck a bag of scorpions.

Pictured: Insecurity at its finest.

There was a lot of truth to our conversation. Medicine is not something to fuck around with. Intelligence is not enough, I'm 37% sure that if you teach a monkey to read and pump enough Modafinil into its system, it too can become a doctor. There is an overbearing need for passion, to be able to look at a gangrenous foot and telling yourself that you love it. Personally, a combination of this two should be enough. I find that it is almost inhuman to ask anything more but of course, that is not how Lady Medicine operates. No, she requires, demands, that you have the endurance of a mythical beast and the mental capacity of God. It's... Somewhat cruel.

So quit, they say. It's actually a very rational suggestion. If you do not like something, stay away from it, yes, very simple. Strangely, I can't. Call it ego, call it being a dumbfuck but I just... Can't. I am a lazy person, for all of my observations and criticisms, I am honestly quite the bad example of a model human being and 'bad' is a gross understatement. I fear not having an idea of what I'm supposed to do. Lady Medicine gives me purpose; she shows me a road and even when it is filled with thorns and traps and terrible demons, even when her whip tears my back into pieces, I force myself to walk the road. There are other roads but I am... A coward. The fear of uncertainty is too great and therein lies the biggest problem yet. I am a coward.

'But you're not failing or anything, so why be bothered?'

Because failure is not where I set the bar. A colleague of mine told me that he was joining a program at the university so that his CV will look good. These people... Are already looking so far into the future and I find myself trying but the future looks so god damned bleak. I see myself tired, sapped of life and bitter, so bitter. I don't think I can live that way, struggling the way I am as it is.

Scared? Yeah, pretty much. Can't show it though, that doesn't exactly fit into the whole family picture now, does it? Fuck, there I go making excuses again. Excellent mindset, this.

Well, that was fun. Talk about being fucking insecure, eh?

The university gave us a surprise fucking holiday, can you believe that? 2 weeks off. Because of a H1N1 outbreak. Best thing is, I was feeling dementedly sick a few days ago. I still have a fucking annoying cough though. Talk about having a fling with death.

If you are on the off chance reading this, phai (Which is highly unlikely), keep your head above the water. Or at the very least, remember to come up for air every once in awhile.