I like the idea of being aimless.
To be absolved of all responsibility, to live without an end game. To wander; endlessly, fruitlessly, for an eternity.
Now, I like this idea to the point where it's an absolute flaw. I'd get intoxicated; one way or another, get in my car and drive around until I sober up. I've told myself how dangerous this is so please, save your breath.
My mind becomes an empty husk and nowadays it's the only way I can gain a small semblance of solace.
I think we've put too much of an emphasis on the destination to all of our journeys. In a relationship, you think about marriage. At work, you think about the biggest goddamn chair and how to sit your fat ass in it. It's a good thing, perhaps. I'm not spared from this at all but I've grown to hate it. Abhor the very thought of a future, regardless of how bright it may seem.
I long for the darkness. A darkness that allows one to float in it, free from the chains of the senses, free from the burden of thought, free from the manacles of expectation.
*
Buat yang tertinggal di sana, maafkan aku.
Buat yang dalam pelukan, maafkan aku.
Buat yang terkapai-kapai, dahagakan kasih,
Terikat dengan janji manis,
Dan harapan palsu,
Maafkan aku.
Buat diriku,
Yang dulu terluka,
Dan kini penuh kebencian,
Dari pangkal rambut ke hujung kaki,
Ku susun sepuluh jari,
Dahi tekap ke lantai,
Ku pohon maaf.
*
I've got white hair now. None of which I notice myself, but more than once, people have pointed it out and then proceed to pluck it out of my head.
This I don't understand. Why pluck it out? We all age. There's no point in going against it.
*
AM/KM tomorrow. Not looking forward to it.
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