Doppelganger.

I was waiting for some form of transport to get me home. I thought heck, if it takes a minute longer, I'm gonna walk home. Looking round, a foreigner caught my attention. Well, a girl around my age to be precise. Yet it wasn't those slightly short skirt, nor the fact that heck, she was pretty good looking, but just the fact that looking at her, was as if looking into a mirror.

It was this awkward two minutes or so when I, standing and she, walking just stared at each other. It was somewhat surreal, and surely one of the most engaging two minutes of my life. What I saw in her, it scared me, it's just my nightmares manifesting itself in the form of a girl.

The same dissatisfied frown with curved eyebrows to match it and going lower, there... were these eyes that just cried out in agony, this unspeakable myriad of confusion, not knowing whether it's hatred or sadness that she was supposed to feel, the strength that she had to stop it all from undergoing a massive eruption into oblivion... Her lips pursed, stagnant, there was no giveaway, no hint of any emotion, her face was like a layer of ice over the turbulent waters of a raging river...

I... was taken aback. To hell with home, if I could freeze time, that would be the exact moment I'd do it. She came closer and closer, my desire of anonymity began to waver, I wanted to know her, I wanted to jump into that turbulent water, I wanted to drown in it, I want it flooding my lungs, suffocating me, I wanted to asphyxiate knowing that I've at least taken a dive, at least I've done something... Closer and closer, ten steps, now eight, six, five...

Until I suddenly came to a realisation that she was inches away from me... I should have looked away, but for once, my eyes refused, my efforts were futile. She was also looking straight at me, the world was silent for once, it was only us, only the two of us, the only two sane humans staring at each other surrounded by a corrupt and insane world.

Then she, in a somewhat childish way snapped back to reality, and took a step back and looked left and then right, then back to me, and in one of the most anti-climactic moments of my life, she walked away. Just like that. No conversation, not even the slightest sound, she left. I turned to at least refresh my memory of her face, one that in two minutes, gave such an impact to my entire being but all I see was the black skirt, and a backpack that she was lugging around. In the movies, this would be the scene where she makes a sudden turn around and still unsure, I'd walk to her and a heart-warming conversation would take place.

She continued walking in the opposite direction, and funnily, I wanted to follow but my legs refused, it told me that some things are better left alone, better not tampered with. It's as if that very moment had been converted into a painting, into a masterpiece with a flaw that everybody notices. I wanted to correct that flaw but somehow I knew that if I did that, it'd no longer be a masterpiece, it would be just another perfect work of art, just another painting. Just another normality in life. So I refrain, closing my eyes and searing the two minute memory into the back of my head.

Names.

The one with abundance met the unique.

And from their union sprang forth four.

The first; is triumphant, victorious, conquering everything her heart yearns for.

The second; devout, she denies herself from material comfort.

The third; a leader, he governs and all look to him for solace.

The forth; a lion, he carries the might of an army.


And I go 'Holy shit...'

And Lady Insomnia said; "I'm back honey, how've you been?"

And we proceeded to make sweet, sweet love. Well, sort of.

For the past few days I've been getting these dreams, then waking up to find out that I've only slept 2 hours. When I try to dive back in, milady tugs at my boxers and pouts her mouth.

How can I resist ey?

I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna end up collapsing in front of the main road and get run over by a tramco or even better, the tram. Ah well, I guess it means the inevitable break up between us. Nothing last forever ey woman?

Talking about dreams, I wonder where those gruesome ones went... Waking up in terror with sweat pouring out of my pores, and then not sleeping again for fear of what might come next... I gotta admit, I kinda miss that. I remember having recurring dreams about wolves chasing me across a conveniently placed snowy plains and then obviously, I fall and there'll be this slow motion scene where the wolf walks up to my screaming self and the details are so clear... The fur coat, the drool, the piercing glare... The teeth, slightly yellow and then those jaws widen, the tongue depresses, closer, closer still until it clamps shut over my windpipe; I struggle to breathe and then... I wake up, gasping for air and replay the scene while having a cigarette...

Such a beautiful scene really, the prey and the predator, the inevitable cycle...

Like that, only two inches from face.

Finals are on, being a bitch as usual, more like the kind where you're forced to submit yourself cause she has your family in her clutches of evil. Or because she's that hot and seductive and all the hormones being released causes all the wires in your head to cross link and short circuit. Or both. You know, it happens.

At least it's halfway done, by using the metaphor above, she's already in your room criticising every object, every instrumental CD, every piece of haiku. Well, at least she's there mate, at least she's there.

J-Rock has now embedded itself into my music centre and it refuses to go away. Bloody X-Japan... Why do you guys make such good instrumentals? WHY? I mean, you look like walking gay hippie rainbows!

Gay hippie rainbows. On meth.

Ah well...

Lady Insomnia is tugging at my boxers again... Be right back...

Lucid Dreams.

I took a nap for two hours and I lucid dreamed. No, lucid dreaming is not another fancy way to say wet dream, it's far from that. It's dreams where you control what you do.

I won't go into details but fuck, I made decisions in there that I've always wanted to. No second thoughts, no hesitations, just a straight up answer... And it felt good.

What went on was everything I wanted, and putting that aside, I felt something that I've not felt since years ago. Well, frankly because she was there but other than that, it was the whole dream thing you know? Wait who am I kidding it's cause she was there and I did what I was too scared to do. Fuck that was awesome.

Though I must say, there were some pretty fucked up people in there. One of em tried to bake us in a giant oven. A fucking oven man. Thank god for her kids for letting us go. I think I killed her, but I'm not that sure...

I woke up with this feeling of depression and happiness awkwardly meeting each other in an alley with nowhere to go. Depressed because what happened in the dream was not out of reach in reality. It could've happened and fuck I hate myself for it. Happiness because, heck, I saw her smile man. And she groped me, but thats not part of the main issue her. Most of you go 'Ain't that sweet etc etc' and I'm not gonna deny that because she was all that. Give or take a few flaws, you know.

Come to think of it... She was owned... Hmmm... Ah well, forget what I said, it's cause she's owned. I have this complex where women with partners are the bomb. It's like the relationship is covering her beauty. Yes, I'm that messed up but hey, who are you to say anything, you've got your own fucked up shit. While I'm at that, here's an apology to the relationships that I indirectly plotted to destruction.




But fuck, it felt so damn good.

Seriously.

I'm an extremely private person, I don't like to share what happened to me or what I plan to happen to me, especially to people I don't know that well. Yet people prod and poke and try to drill a fucking hole. For God's sake, I don't even tell my best friends what goes on in my brain, except for the minor details.

When you say 'Why all the secrecy?' and I answer 'Why not?', I'm not fucking joking. I do it because I can afford to, and I can bear the burden that you cannot bear. Face the fact that some people need to open up and some; like me, are born with a hard shell and we prefer to keep it clamped shut. It does not make any of us superior, nor does it makes us inferior. We're bound to be ourselves.

I have sins from my past that I cannot get rid of, deep inside, I know that hell, there's no way I can be forgiven for it. I was young, I was fucking stupid. Too stupid. Yes, I can't sleep at night when i dream of what I did, yes I sometimes go to such lengths to see if I can still feel a somewhat larger amount of pain to counter the one that's been festering in me. However, these reasons still does not give you any fucking right to act like a messiah. I don't need one and frankly, you are not qualified.

Yes, look to me as a freak of nature, an Aleister Crowley even, I prefer that but don't, for fuck's sake don't look at me as one of your own. I do not want to be a part of it and I prefer to be alone. In one way or another, I will drag you down.

Trying to give me advices are futile because since I'm a pretty big jackass (A knowledgeable one at that, if I may add) I will overrule your words and you will hate me for it. You're human, it's bound to happen. Besides, I don't listen, even when I should, my mind is free and it's wild and it's shrewd.

They once said I was that guy, someone that's gonna make it big. I smiled but inside, all i was thinking of was 'How the fuck can you see the future?' As far as I was concerned, I worry only about today and not tomorrow. Even a hobo can make it, it doesn't matter who you are.

Fuck.