Sleepless Nights 45 - Because Real Women Never Seem to be Good Enough.

Being the drama (Queen, King, Prince) that I am, people seem to misunderstand me when I say that I can't be involved in a relationship. Sure, I talk about how fucking hot some girls / women are, but hey, I solemnly believe that being associated just for the sex is not, in fact a legitimate relationship. Why should it be, really, why complicate things.

The truth is, I have a wide range of things I want in a woman and unfortunately, these things often contradict each other. I'd like a lady who's an evil mastermind but at the same time, I'd want the essence of innocence. I want a lady who's artistic, but at the same time, I want her to be a total fucking geek. In short, I'm greedy as hell and I want everything rolled into one package. Like a massive sushi. With boobs. Or you know, if technology allows it, I'll clone a female copy of myself and marry her. Yeah.

Strange. Sushi with boobs actually have results...

So, how do I combat this whole conundrum? I turn to fiction. Fiction allows so many things to come to fruition. I can get my sushi boob and at the same time two time on my female clone because fuck it, I deem that they live in two separate planes of existence and only I can move freely between them. Fiction, is the answer to my childhood, fiction is my reality. Fuck all the relationship problems you'd get, in my world, there is none. Sure, I hear murmurs of 'Freak' or 'Loser' or 'Retard' but the beauty of it is that I don't care. The fact of the matter is that I can get a real lady to entertain me but what's the fun in that? This lady is going to eventually want presents and fuck, she'd need attention. I can't give that, I pay attention only to myself. So, the following are the ladies that had helped me get pass being a needy little hormonal fuck. God bless their immortal souls.

And yeah, they don't age either.

1. Daphne Anne Blake

I admit, this is kind of weird. But the past is the past, and when I was a kid, I watched a fuckload of Scooby Doo, after an hour of Discovery Channel. It was a requirement set upon by my mother but enough on that. Daphne, through my wee eyes, was simply fuck awesome. I mean seriously, she was fuck smart, looked awesome, rides a fucking VW, and goes around ghost hunting. What more would you want. I hated that blonde fucktard in the white shirt, even as a kid, I'd understood that he was the epitome of douchebagerry. And the other girl? Fuck that, the other girl didn't even have a name... Did she?

2. Final Fantasy VII Girls.

In all their pixelated glory!

I shit you not, this was like a fucking obsession. Is.

I didn't really give a fuck about Aries though, she's too nice and well, she kind of died halfway. But Tifa and Yuffie though, those were quite special indeed. I mean really, both of them could probably beat me up and leave me a crumpled husk by the roadside. Which is hot, I think.

Yuffie's a ninja. Those three words are pretty much the main components of obsession, you put a barely legal girl in a ninja outfit and send her out into the wild. All that's ever going to come out of that is rule 34. And Tifa's anatomically disproportionate body, sigh.

3. Morrigan Aensland.

I pretty much remember the first time laying my eyes on her. She was a playable character in the very first Marvel vs. Capcom which was on the PS1 and holy frak did I ravage her. Uh. On the console I mean, beating the Hulk to a bloody fucking pulp. There's also this fan comic of most of the Darkstalkers characters which I got my hands on (In a secretive manner I believe, the content of said comic could cause the multiverse to implode upon itself and create a new big bang.)

4. Mandy from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy; previously part of Grim & Evil.

We used to have real fucking good cartoons back then, and jesus fuck, I really do wonder where the fuck those days have gone. Grim & Evil used to fuel my childhood with the consolation that the thoughts I was having was pretty normal. Now all you have is motherfucking Cow and Chicken. Humanity is indeed doomed.

Anyway, seriously, you could throw in any badass female persona into the mix, and none of them would even come close to the ultimate awesomeness that is Mandy. I mean really, she's technically an infant wears a weird little infant dress and she could manage to whoop everybody's ass to bits. Including the fucking Grim Reaper. If that's not a testament to her capabilities then i don't know what else is.

She's a constant reminder that those days were ultimately more awesome. We had good music, good cartoons, good familial values and appreciation. We even fought with more honour. I honestly can't figure out what happened to the years after I was born, it's like 1991 was the last year that awesomeness survived. Now, you have Bieber, then Black, and then a girl who looks like Bieber and is feeding off his fame. Humanity failed, and Mandy is constantly there with a baseball bat to remind us of it.

5. Android 18 from Dragonball.

I'm pretty sure this list is pretty fucking weird but fuck it.

6. Lúthien Tinúviel.

Your mind, body and soul.

I've said this once, and I'll say it again and again till your ears develop vocal cords to drown my voice. The Lay of Leithian or the Tale of Beren and Lúthien is undeniably the awesomest love story ever. Why? Because she's fucking in it.

The beauty of written words is that your imagination will be free of any pesky weights which society forces upon and you can just soar. For example if I say big without any reference to an object, everybody will have a different idea of what big is. It's the same thing with beauty. Tolkien described milady to his utmost capabilities but somehow, it doesn't really work. My Lúthien will be unique to myself that through my eyes, none could compare. Which is why she's on my list, she can be anything, she can take almost any physical mortal form, and she can be anything.

If that didn't make sense, I actually understand. I don't understand half of what I'm saying either right now. Go away sleep, I need to study.

7. Enma Ai from Jigoku Shoujo / Hell Girl.

Now we come to the ones who pretty much made me realise that the world is not a place that promises happiness. First off, we have the one and only Enma. Okay, first off, I have to clarify that though she may be barely legal, technically she's about 2000 year old. If anything, I have an obsession with a cougar. A very fucking hot cougar.

She has everything doesn't she? Long hair, bangs, dead eyes (Which are motherfucking red. Suck on that normal humans.) and the prized 'I don't give a fuck attitude'. Also, she's an emissary of hell itself so I believe that it should add about a gazillion points to her value? Seriously, a valid chance to be with her for eternity... I'll do almost anything. From being a slave to destroying earth.

Fuck man, just look at her.

8. Nishino Tsukasa from Ichigo 100%.

I'm pretty sure that most of you don't know who/what she is or what Ichigo 100% is. She's fictional, it's a manga and guuuhhhh thou shalt go retard whilst reading it.

9. Death from Neil Gaiman's Sandman.

Jesus fuck, do I even have to say any more? She's Death, and unlike the oh so fucking common character portrayal (Hats off to Neil Gaiman for pulling this off) she's... Nice. And warm. It's like what I see Death as, not some twisted creature, skeletal or whatever.

Also, as the picture above shows; hot much? Always in black leather, that's enough for me, oh yes.


10. Yuuko Ichihara

Come to think of it, I naturally suck when it comes to traditionalist. I like tradition, I like having something that you have to protect and to teach for it to remain alive. Hence, it's only obvious that I'd be attached to such an awesome character. I mean in a whole, the manga itself is quite painful to read with the plot holes and the fucked up ending but she pretty much saved it. The character, the addition of eccentricity... But mostly it's the whole traditionalist thing, fuck, where have all the ladies with great appreciation of the old days gone to? I mean really, where?

Also, long hair and bangs, ah fuck.

11. Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel or as awesomely known as: Harley Quinn.

I'm not gonna lie to you. She's number 1.

Ever since I was a kid, I've had a crippling fear of clowns and mimes and whatever it is that paints a smile on it's face. Then I remembered watching the Batman animated series, and when the Joker came about with his fangirl, Harley, it fucking blew my mind. They don't hide the fact that they're evil little fuckers. Like, painted face is a yes, laughter all the more but no whining or pretending and shit. Just plain unadulterated violence.

So I guess I was naturally made to fall for Harley. Like, fuck, what kind of irony is it to be so obsessed with one's mortal fear. Shit, whoever made the sketch above is fucking godlike, that's one hot Harley. I remembered watching the Return of the Joker, and there's the part when Harley falls off the cliff and fuck, the depression that came about... That sucked.

So yeah, fuck all the hot ladies of the fucking world, gimme a Harley Quinn, fictional or not, and I can go celibate. Who needs em, eh?

Sleepless Nights 44 - Pain.

No, for once I'm not going to bore you with the metaphysical realm. Instead, I'll focus on the physical stuff and what more awesome way to do so then by bringing forth the gift of pain.

1) Taste Buds.

So, unless you're the few mutated infants who could read by the time your brain have not even developed, there's probably a hundred percent chance that you've had the pleasure to experience ulcers in your mouth. If you are, in fact, the mutated infant, I strongly suggest that you leave and never come back to this hallowed grounds. I hate you.

Anyway, with the freak of nature out of the way, let's start. Ulcers aren't actually painful per say, I believe that at most, they're just a minor irritation, an inconvenience, maybe an object subject to much hatred when you're trying to manoeuvre your tongue away from another hot, wet muscle invading your buccal mucosa. I'm just saying. I'd be very much irate, to be honest.

Pain however, makes it's graceful entrance by waltzing in when one of two things happen: Either the ulcer comes in contact with salt, which I'd give a 3 on a scale of 1 - 10 on the pain rating or when you foolishly try to tear the ulcer out with your fingernails. On a scale of 1 - 10, I'll give it a zero, actually because no scale could even come close to measuring the amount of pain I felt.

No, I don't know why I did it. It seemed quite logical at the time. So, first off, you receive the sting when your obviously grimy fingers come in contact with aforementioned ulcer. It does not matter though, it's only a 3 and you've gone through far worse, haven't you. Then you shape your thumb and index fingers to the likes of a forceps, and you bring the two nails together in an unsuccessful attempt to sever the ulcer from your tongue. The result?

A cosmic orgasm is pretty much the norm.

The pain will literally jump out of your conscience and beat you up till your eyeballs explode, then beat you up some more just for the fucks of it. But, what's this? The taste bud which you have stupidly tried to tear off is still there and what caused the pain is direct damage to the underlying nerve fibres? How amazing!

Tears will begin to well up in your eyes, blasphemy begins to form in your brain but the pain is still there. So again, you must go ahead and claw at the exposed nerve in hopes that when it does get severed, the pain will be gone... Well lucky you, the pain does leave, but not before it makes your whole body shudder with extreme convulsions and make your tongue feel as if it had been cut off.

2) Genito-urinary system.

This includes pubes. Of course it would, fool. Also, since I am of the male subspecies of the human race, I have to make this entry a masculine one.

There comes at times, when pubes act like a total motherfucker and starts to fuck around. What could go wrong, you might ask. Sigh, you foolish little prepubescent moron... This brings about much tears when it tag teams with the fabric of clothing (Read: Boxers / Jeans). Imagine rushing to the loo with a full bladder and innocent little you start to feverishly tear off clothing like there is no tomorrow then suddenly... As you begin to pull the last item off (Read: Boxers), you feel a slight tug. In your maddened state of mind, you desperately try to consciously stop your hands from doing anything further but psh, what the fuck does your hands care? Off comes your boxers and also two strands of pubic hair. Also, your sanity.

This might put it in perspective.

Pubes... The bane of creation... Pain rating: 7/10 since there's fast relief and no permanent scarring. Physically that is...

Enough on that. Let's move on to more delicate matters shall we.

I remember once upon a time, a time when the world was still an infant and dinosaurs roamed free, I made the horrid mistake to sleep in jeans and nothing else. I have to emphasise on the nothing else, really, I mean seriously, nothing else. Get it yet? So I arose the next morning filled with the wonder of what the day might bring when an unpleasant tugging feeling lingered down there. O my brothers, the horror upon which I discovered that my zipper had betrayed me in the utmost contemptuous way was grievous to say the very least. It was stuck. I was stuck. In my own jeans. I tried everything, even fucking toothpicks, yes, toothpicks. To no avail, utterly defeated, I realised there there was only one more option, one which I could not believe had the courage to do. It's spoken in hushed voices in shady pubs and dark alleys.... It's called 'The RIP'.

I... I weep...

The RIP means what it means. So I bit a chunk of wood, braced myself, got a hold on the treacherous zipper and with a silent prayer, pulled it down as hard as I could. The chunk of wood splintered, my will crumbled and the zipper... The zipper cackled maniacally...

Pain rating: 4/10 since it left only a relatively small memorabilia and the anticipation pretty much exacerbated the whole ordeal.

3) Falling.

No, it's not the plain ol' fall. This category pretty much includes those falls which you thought that you had seriously damaged some internal organ or some shit because the pain pretty much kicks you so hard in the nuts that they rocket into your eyes. You do remember that your eyes have exploded aye?

The greatest pain when it comes to falling is when your bone comes into contact with concrete. No, not the usual bones, like the arms or legs, these are the bones which are not fucking meant to ever come in contact with anything at all, it's just meant to stay all cuddled up in between layers of fat and muscle. Like the fucking hip bone, or more fucking specifically, the ischial tuberosity.

I know you didn't fucking study it. Stop whining already.

See, there's a reason for an ass, and this here is the exact reason why it's created. There are times when this fails, and when coupled with the fact that some of us are skinny as fuck, it doesn't help... Cushion the blow.

Pain Rating: 8/10 because fuck, even if it lasts for a while, it hurts like a bitch.

4) Being seared.

One thing about being seared is that my God it feels so freakishly good. Uh. Nevermind.

I'm pretty sure that being consumed by molten metal would hurt a fuckload but no, for some reason, I have yet to taste that, so I will instead emphasise on another milder but more common variation. Plastic.

I'm not particularly sure, but Google gave me this, so yeah, it must be relevant.

See, molten plastic is one of the few remaining magical items in our decrepit world today. It withholds massive amounts of power in it's microscopic bonds and when heated, it will lead to the release of said energy onto the surface it has been projected upon. Let's say that said surface is the skin. Upon melting and coming in contact with it, the molten plastic realises it's form has changed and it needs to revert back or else the multiverse will be caught in the tear of the space-time continuum and implode upon itself. However by doing so, it will have to release it's own energy source as stated above and while this might not amuse you, do note that this is happening on your skin. The result:

This is largely the reason why there are less magical items nowadays... We humans are so fucking fragile that they decided to leave our world into the magical kingdom of Zura-Zura.

Pain rating: Depends. Normally, it would be a 6.5/10 but in certain cases like below...



It tends to be a zero. Personal preference aye?

5) Smoking mishaps.

This includes anything which concerns the voluntary entry of smoke into the lungs. I mean everything, cigarettes, joints, shishas, pipes, embers, shit like that.

First off, there's the ol' accidental fuckuppery with the exit of the smoke, it might be due to a laugh, a shout, or just plain fucken talking but it all leads to the same thing.

That... but stuck in your throat.

See, smokers come under great criticism over the course of time, but none know of the sacrifice they undergo to uphold the art of taming smoke. Feverishly they continue without a step of hesitation, and if the above happens, they weep because the smoke has prevailed and it hurts like a bitch. Pain rating: 4/10, might increase overtime.

Accidental searing of self: 6/10 and increases as more areas are involved. Like setting fire to your own hair. Yeah, that sucks.

6) Acne...

In places that shouldn't have fucking acne.

Like in the nose. Have you had a fucking pimple in your nose? It's hell, and for some reason, it doesn't heal as fast as a normal pimple would. Instead it takes weeks to settle down and fucking fuck off. Some of you might see the perks in this but as myself, this is another bloody bane of existence. Imagine rubbing your nose, then realise that the bastardly pimple is being compressed together with your nose. Imagine digging the ol' goldmine but then scraping the surface of the fucking pimple instead.

I don't even...

6) Stubbing a toe, and the complications.

Walls have a nasty habit of having corners and these corners in turn, have a nasty habit of getting in your way. Well, to be exact you toe's way but the corner doesn't give a flying fuck does it?

Pain rating here would probably be a 7/10 I believe but what fucks the whole thing up is when you get caught up in the massive shitstorm following the stubbed toe. Most common fuckuppery is a cracked toe nail or uh... How do I explain this in words...

THIS

The horrid feeling when you realise that you no longer have a toe is one thing, then the pain associated with said horrid feeling skyrockets the pain level to a fucking eleven. Then you have the occassional asshole who laughs at your permanent disfigurement takes it to a whole new level.

7) Ligament/ joint/ nerve pain.

This, I believe trumps it all because if it happens in your fucking knee, or lower limb, you're fucked for life. It's like having a poisoned dart stuck in between your joints and you dread the time when the pain comes... It lurks in the deepest pits of your twisted conscience and it waits, it waits till you let your guard down and it pounces upon feeble little you. You're incapable of walking, and it feels like you calf has turned into acid and it eats it's way into the remainder of your leg...

Pain rating: Fuck/Fuck.

How Your Mind Fucks Around With You.

Now that I can finally access my fucking Blogger account and serenade thee with awesome profanities, I shall begin.

So, this week has been in total quite low-profile, since all the fucking assignments are done with. All there is left is Biochem which has been ramming it up me arse dry and well... Let's leave it at that.

Also, I time travelled.

Through time and space, onwards!

Allow me to explain. I found myself with a sudden urge to study Biochem a few days ago, which was on a Wednesday. It was quite appropriate see, there was sixty pages worth to cram into my brain and exactly three days to do so. Hence I began studying and again, strangely, I felt... What's the term. The feeling you get when something feels right and it all goes your way and the world actually makes sense for once... Counter-Murphy? I don't know. But I felt that.

So I went on with my life, finishing 25 pages of pure mashed up bullfuckerry and I went to bed. The next day, I actually finished Biochemistry, fucking Biochemistry, and it was good because I no have Friday to revise the whole thing. So with harps playing in me heart, I went down to the droogies' house and well, chilled.

And we drank... Milk.

So as per usual, we talked, insulted (Your Mom) and uh well whatever it is that we did until there came a point in the conversation about classes.

Droogie 1: Nah, I'm free tomorrow, hahaha, no classes for me.
Droogie 2: Crap I've got *Insert a medically related subject here*... Fuck this shit.
Yours truly: What the fuck are you fuckers talking about? Tomorrow's Friday.
1 & 2: What the fuck are YOU talking about? Tomorrow's fucking Thursday.
Yours truly: What? *More profanities* Tomorrow's fucking Friday!

This went on for quite awhile until I had to humbly accept that I have, in fact time travelled and went through the week a day in advance. That meant I had a full 24 hours to do more things. Seriously, I can't be the one who thinks that it's mind-fuckingly awesome?

I have a full two days now to revise Biochem. I can relax and bite the imaginary tits off the imaginary girl I just made up for this context because fuck, I have returned to the present!

Says it all.

I agree though that your feeble minds could only find fault with my logic, after all, it's easy for one such as me to say all this stuff since it happens quite often. I understand that your understanding of the world is quite limited, you're like the later Númenorean Kings, angry and frustrated at what you do not understand to the point where you'd rebel against those who do. Let me try and enlighten you.

1) Seriously, mate, it's me. These things tend to happen.
2) I'm not sure about you but... Forgetting an entire day is quite the feat... It's almost impossible.
3) I studied Biochem with vigour. It's a miracle.
4) Again mate, it's me we're talking about here.

If you don't want to believe than suit thine ignorant self, for I, Tar-Zufarion,  understands the limitations of the mortal mind. What I would like to point out is this.

How many times have each of us prayed that we had more time? We, as humans, never seem to be content with what we have and that includes the time allocated for each of us. We need more time to leave a legacy, to educate our children, to continue our work with renewed vigour, to be ourselves. We always seem to lament on the fact that time is limited, there's too much shit to be done and I agree, wholeheartedly.

I am elated because I tasted what it feels like to actually have more time without consciously knowing it. I am elated because today I woke up and I realised that fuck, I can afford to sit back and just stare into space without having assignments raping my ear. It felt... Good.


You see what I did there? I educated you, motherfucker.