No, for once I'm not going to bore you with the metaphysical realm. Instead, I'll focus on the physical stuff and what more awesome way to do so then by bringing forth the gift of pain.
1) Taste Buds.
So, unless you're the few mutated infants who could read by the time your brain have not even developed, there's probably a hundred percent chance that you've had the pleasure to experience ulcers in your mouth. If you are, in fact, the mutated infant, I strongly suggest that you leave and never come back to this hallowed grounds. I hate you.
Anyway, with the freak of nature out of the way, let's start. Ulcers aren't actually painful per say, I believe that at most, they're just a minor irritation, an inconvenience, maybe an object subject to much hatred when you're trying to manoeuvre your tongue away from another hot, wet muscle invading your buccal mucosa. I'm just saying. I'd be very much irate, to be honest.
Pain however, makes it's graceful entrance by waltzing in when one of two things happen: Either the ulcer comes in contact with salt, which I'd give a 3 on a scale of 1 - 10 on the pain rating or when you foolishly try to tear the ulcer out with your fingernails. On a scale of 1 - 10, I'll give it a zero, actually because no scale could even come close to measuring the amount of pain I felt.
No, I don't know why I did it. It seemed quite logical at the time. So, first off, you receive the sting when your obviously grimy fingers come in contact with aforementioned ulcer. It does not matter though, it's only a 3 and you've gone through far worse, haven't you. Then you shape your thumb and index fingers to the likes of a forceps, and you bring the two nails together in an unsuccessful attempt to sever the ulcer from your tongue. The result?
The pain will literally jump out of your conscience and beat you up till your eyeballs explode, then beat you up some more just for the fucks of it. But, what's this? The taste bud which you have stupidly tried to tear off is still there and what caused the pain is direct damage to the underlying nerve fibres? How amazing!
Tears will begin to well up in your eyes, blasphemy begins to form in your brain but the pain is still there. So again, you must go ahead and claw at the exposed nerve in hopes that when it does get severed, the pain will be gone... Well lucky you, the pain does leave, but not before it makes your whole body shudder with extreme convulsions and make your tongue feel as if it had been cut off.
2) Genito-urinary system.
This includes pubes. Of course it would, fool. Also, since I am of the male subspecies of the human race, I have to make this entry a masculine one.
There comes at times, when pubes act like a total motherfucker and starts to fuck around. What could go wrong, you might ask. Sigh, you foolish little prepubescent moron... This brings about much tears when it tag teams with the fabric of clothing (Read: Boxers / Jeans). Imagine rushing to the loo with a full bladder and innocent little you start to feverishly tear off clothing like there is no tomorrow then suddenly... As you begin to pull the last item off (Read: Boxers), you feel a slight tug. In your maddened state of mind, you desperately try to consciously stop your hands from doing anything further but psh, what the fuck does your hands care? Off comes your boxers and also two strands of pubic hair. Also, your sanity.
Pubes... The bane of creation... Pain rating: 7/10 since there's fast relief and no permanent scarring. Physically that is...
Enough on that. Let's move on to more delicate matters shall we.
I remember once upon a time, a time when the world was still an infant and dinosaurs roamed free, I made the horrid mistake to sleep in jeans and nothing else. I have to emphasise on the nothing else, really, I mean seriously, nothing else. Get it yet? So I arose the next morning filled with the wonder of what the day might bring when an unpleasant tugging feeling lingered down there. O my brothers, the horror upon which I discovered that my zipper had betrayed me in the utmost contemptuous way was grievous to say the very least. It was stuck. I was stuck. In my own jeans. I tried everything, even fucking toothpicks, yes, toothpicks. To no avail, utterly defeated, I realised there there was only one more option, one which I could not believe had the courage to do. It's spoken in hushed voices in shady pubs and dark alleys.... It's called 'The RIP'.
The RIP means what it means. So I bit a chunk of wood, braced myself, got a hold on the treacherous zipper and with a silent prayer, pulled it down as hard as I could. The chunk of wood splintered, my will crumbled and the zipper... The zipper cackled maniacally...
Pain rating: 4/10 since it left only a relatively small memorabilia and the anticipation pretty much exacerbated the whole ordeal.
3) Falling.
No, it's not the plain ol' fall. This category pretty much includes those falls which you thought that you had seriously damaged some internal organ or some shit because the pain pretty much kicks you so hard in the nuts that they rocket into your eyes. You do remember that your eyes have exploded aye?
The greatest pain when it comes to falling is when your bone comes into contact with concrete. No, not the usual bones, like the arms or legs, these are the bones which are not fucking meant to ever come in contact with anything at all, it's just meant to stay all cuddled up in between layers of fat and muscle. Like the fucking hip bone, or more fucking specifically, the ischial tuberosity.
See, there's a reason for an ass, and this here is the exact reason why it's created. There are times when this fails, and when coupled with the fact that some of us are skinny as fuck, it doesn't help... Cushion the blow.
Pain Rating: 8/10 because fuck, even if it lasts for a while, it hurts like a bitch.
4) Being seared.
One thing about being seared is that my God it feels so freakishly good. Uh. Nevermind.
I'm pretty sure that being consumed by molten metal would hurt a fuckload but no, for some reason, I have yet to taste that, so I will instead emphasise on another milder but more common variation. Plastic.
See, molten plastic is one of the few remaining magical items in our decrepit world today. It withholds massive amounts of power in it's microscopic bonds and when heated, it will lead to the release of said energy onto the surface it has been projected upon. Let's say that said surface is the skin. Upon melting and coming in contact with it, the molten plastic realises it's form has changed and it needs to revert back or else the multiverse will be caught in the tear of the space-time continuum and implode upon itself. However by doing so, it will have to release it's own energy source as stated above and while this might not amuse you, do note that this is happening on your skin. The result:
This is largely the reason why there are less magical items nowadays... We humans are so fucking fragile that they decided to leave our world into the magical kingdom of Zura-Zura.
Pain rating: Depends. Normally, it would be a 6.5/10 but in certain cases like below...
It tends to be a zero. Personal preference aye?
5) Smoking mishaps.
This includes anything which concerns the voluntary entry of smoke into the lungs. I mean everything, cigarettes, joints, shishas, pipes, embers, shit like that.
First off, there's the ol' accidental fuckuppery with the exit of the smoke, it might be due to a laugh, a shout, or just plain fucken talking but it all leads to the same thing.
See, smokers come under great criticism over the course of time, but none know of the sacrifice they undergo to uphold the art of taming smoke. Feverishly they continue without a step of hesitation, and if the above happens, they weep because the smoke has prevailed and it hurts like a bitch. Pain rating: 4/10, might increase overtime.
Accidental searing of self: 6/10 and increases as more areas are involved. Like setting fire to your own hair. Yeah, that sucks.
6) Acne...
In places that shouldn't have fucking acne.
Like in the nose. Have you had a fucking pimple in your nose? It's hell, and for some reason, it doesn't heal as fast as a normal pimple would. Instead it takes weeks to settle down and fucking fuck off. Some of you might see the perks in this but as myself, this is another bloody bane of existence. Imagine rubbing your nose, then realise that the bastardly pimple is being compressed together with your nose. Imagine digging the ol' goldmine but then scraping the surface of the fucking pimple instead.
6) Stubbing a toe, and the complications.
Walls have a nasty habit of having corners and these corners in turn, have a nasty habit of getting in your way. Well, to be exact you toe's way but the corner doesn't give a flying fuck does it?
Pain rating here would probably be a 7/10 I believe but what fucks the whole thing up is when you get caught up in the massive shitstorm following the stubbed toe. Most common fuckuppery is a cracked toe nail or uh... How do I explain this in words...
The horrid feeling when you realise that you no longer have a toe is one thing, then the pain associated with said horrid feeling skyrockets the pain level to a fucking eleven. Then you have the occassional asshole who laughs at your permanent disfigurement takes it to a whole new level.
7) Ligament/ joint/ nerve pain.
This, I believe trumps it all because if it happens in your fucking knee, or lower limb, you're fucked for life. It's like having a poisoned dart stuck in between your joints and you dread the time when the pain comes... It lurks in the deepest pits of your twisted conscience and it waits, it waits till you let your guard down and it pounces upon feeble little you. You're incapable of walking, and it feels like you calf has turned into acid and it eats it's way into the remainder of your leg...
Pain rating: Fuck/Fuck.
1) Taste Buds.
So, unless you're the few mutated infants who could read by the time your brain have not even developed, there's probably a hundred percent chance that you've had the pleasure to experience ulcers in your mouth. If you are, in fact, the mutated infant, I strongly suggest that you leave and never come back to this hallowed grounds. I hate you.
Anyway, with the freak of nature out of the way, let's start. Ulcers aren't actually painful per say, I believe that at most, they're just a minor irritation, an inconvenience, maybe an object subject to much hatred when you're trying to manoeuvre your tongue away from another hot, wet muscle invading your buccal mucosa. I'm just saying. I'd be very much irate, to be honest.
Pain however, makes it's graceful entrance by waltzing in when one of two things happen: Either the ulcer comes in contact with salt, which I'd give a 3 on a scale of 1 - 10 on the pain rating or when you foolishly try to tear the ulcer out with your fingernails. On a scale of 1 - 10, I'll give it a zero, actually because no scale could even come close to measuring the amount of pain I felt.
No, I don't know why I did it. It seemed quite logical at the time. So, first off, you receive the sting when your obviously grimy fingers come in contact with aforementioned ulcer. It does not matter though, it's only a 3 and you've gone through far worse, haven't you. Then you shape your thumb and index fingers to the likes of a forceps, and you bring the two nails together in an unsuccessful attempt to sever the ulcer from your tongue. The result?
 |
| A cosmic orgasm is pretty much the norm. |
Tears will begin to well up in your eyes, blasphemy begins to form in your brain but the pain is still there. So again, you must go ahead and claw at the exposed nerve in hopes that when it does get severed, the pain will be gone... Well lucky you, the pain does leave, but not before it makes your whole body shudder with extreme convulsions and make your tongue feel as if it had been cut off.
2) Genito-urinary system.
This includes pubes. Of course it would, fool. Also, since I am of the male subspecies of the human race, I have to make this entry a masculine one.
There comes at times, when pubes act like a total motherfucker and starts to fuck around. What could go wrong, you might ask. Sigh, you foolish little prepubescent moron... This brings about much tears when it tag teams with the fabric of clothing (Read: Boxers / Jeans). Imagine rushing to the loo with a full bladder and innocent little you start to feverishly tear off clothing like there is no tomorrow then suddenly... As you begin to pull the last item off (Read: Boxers), you feel a slight tug. In your maddened state of mind, you desperately try to consciously stop your hands from doing anything further but psh, what the fuck does your hands care? Off comes your boxers and also two strands of pubic hair. Also, your sanity.
 |
| This might put it in perspective. |
Enough on that. Let's move on to more delicate matters shall we.
I remember once upon a time, a time when the world was still an infant and dinosaurs roamed free, I made the horrid mistake to sleep in jeans and nothing else. I have to emphasise on the nothing else, really, I mean seriously, nothing else. Get it yet? So I arose the next morning filled with the wonder of what the day might bring when an unpleasant tugging feeling lingered down there. O my brothers, the horror upon which I discovered that my zipper had betrayed me in the utmost contemptuous way was grievous to say the very least. It was stuck. I was stuck. In my own jeans. I tried everything, even fucking toothpicks, yes, toothpicks. To no avail, utterly defeated, I realised there there was only one more option, one which I could not believe had the courage to do. It's spoken in hushed voices in shady pubs and dark alleys.... It's called 'The RIP'.
 |
| I... I weep... |
Pain rating: 4/10 since it left only a relatively small memorabilia and the anticipation pretty much exacerbated the whole ordeal.
3) Falling.
No, it's not the plain ol' fall. This category pretty much includes those falls which you thought that you had seriously damaged some internal organ or some shit because the pain pretty much kicks you so hard in the nuts that they rocket into your eyes. You do remember that your eyes have exploded aye?
The greatest pain when it comes to falling is when your bone comes into contact with concrete. No, not the usual bones, like the arms or legs, these are the bones which are not fucking meant to ever come in contact with anything at all, it's just meant to stay all cuddled up in between layers of fat and muscle. Like the fucking hip bone, or more fucking specifically, the ischial tuberosity.
 |
| I know you didn't fucking study it. Stop whining already. |
Pain Rating: 8/10 because fuck, even if it lasts for a while, it hurts like a bitch.
4) Being seared.
One thing about being seared is that my God it feels so freakishly good. Uh. Nevermind.
I'm pretty sure that being consumed by molten metal would hurt a fuckload but no, for some reason, I have yet to taste that, so I will instead emphasise on another milder but more common variation. Plastic.
 |
| I'm not particularly sure, but Google gave me this, so yeah, it must be relevant. |
This is largely the reason why there are less magical items nowadays... We humans are so fucking fragile that they decided to leave our world into the magical kingdom of Zura-Zura.
Pain rating: Depends. Normally, it would be a 6.5/10 but in certain cases like below...
It tends to be a zero. Personal preference aye?
5) Smoking mishaps.
This includes anything which concerns the voluntary entry of smoke into the lungs. I mean everything, cigarettes, joints, shishas, pipes, embers, shit like that.
First off, there's the ol' accidental fuckuppery with the exit of the smoke, it might be due to a laugh, a shout, or just plain fucken talking but it all leads to the same thing.
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| That... but stuck in your throat. |
Accidental searing of self: 6/10 and increases as more areas are involved. Like setting fire to your own hair. Yeah, that sucks.
6) Acne...
In places that shouldn't have fucking acne.
Like in the nose. Have you had a fucking pimple in your nose? It's hell, and for some reason, it doesn't heal as fast as a normal pimple would. Instead it takes weeks to settle down and fucking fuck off. Some of you might see the perks in this but as myself, this is another bloody bane of existence. Imagine rubbing your nose, then realise that the bastardly pimple is being compressed together with your nose. Imagine digging the ol' goldmine but then scraping the surface of the fucking pimple instead.
 |
| I don't even... |
Walls have a nasty habit of having corners and these corners in turn, have a nasty habit of getting in your way. Well, to be exact you toe's way but the corner doesn't give a flying fuck does it?
Pain rating here would probably be a 7/10 I believe but what fucks the whole thing up is when you get caught up in the massive shitstorm following the stubbed toe. Most common fuckuppery is a cracked toe nail or uh... How do I explain this in words...
 |
| THIS |
7) Ligament/ joint/ nerve pain.
This, I believe trumps it all because if it happens in your fucking knee, or lower limb, you're fucked for life. It's like having a poisoned dart stuck in between your joints and you dread the time when the pain comes... It lurks in the deepest pits of your twisted conscience and it waits, it waits till you let your guard down and it pounces upon feeble little you. You're incapable of walking, and it feels like you calf has turned into acid and it eats it's way into the remainder of your leg...
Pain rating: Fuck/Fuck.
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