Being the drama (Queen, King, Prince) that I am, people seem to misunderstand me when I say that I can't be involved in a relationship. Sure, I talk about how fucking hot some girls / women are, but hey, I solemnly believe that being associated just for the sex is not, in fact a legitimate relationship. Why should it be, really, why complicate things.
The truth is, I have a wide range of things I want in a woman and unfortunately, these things often contradict each other. I'd like a lady who's an evil mastermind but at the same time, I'd want the essence of innocence. I want a lady who's artistic, but at the same time, I want her to be a total fucking geek. In short, I'm greedy as hell and I want everything rolled into one package. Like a massive sushi. With boobs. Or you know, if technology allows it, I'll clone a female copy of myself and marry her. Yeah.
So, how do I combat this whole conundrum? I turn to fiction. Fiction allows so many things to come to fruition. I can get my sushi boob and at the same time two time on my female clone because fuck it, I deem that they live in two separate planes of existence and only I can move freely between them. Fiction, is the answer to my childhood, fiction is my reality. Fuck all the relationship problems you'd get, in my world, there is none. Sure, I hear murmurs of 'Freak' or 'Loser' or 'Retard' but the beauty of it is that I don't care. The fact of the matter is that I can get a real lady to entertain me but what's the fun in that? This lady is going to eventually want presents and fuck, she'd need attention. I can't give that, I pay attention only to myself. So, the following are the ladies that had helped me get pass being a needy little hormonal fuck. God bless their immortal souls.
And yeah, they don't age either.
1. Daphne Anne Blake
I admit, this is kind of weird. But the past is the past, and when I was a kid, I watched a fuckload of Scooby Doo, after an hour of Discovery Channel. It was a requirement set upon by my mother but enough on that. Daphne, through my wee eyes, was simply fuck awesome. I mean seriously, she was fuck smart, looked awesome, rides a fucking VW, and goes around ghost hunting. What more would you want. I hated that blonde fucktard in the white shirt, even as a kid, I'd understood that he was the epitome of douchebagerry. And the other girl? Fuck that, the other girl didn't even have a name... Did she?
2. Final Fantasy VII Girls.
I shit you not, this was like a fucking obsession. Is.
I didn't really give a fuck about Aries though, she's too nice and well, she kind of died halfway. But Tifa and Yuffie though, those were quite special indeed. I mean really, both of them could probably beat me up and leave me a crumpled husk by the roadside. Which is hot, I think.
Yuffie's a ninja. Those three words are pretty much the main components of obsession, you put a barely legal girl in a ninja outfit and send her out into the wild. All that's ever going to come out of that is rule 34. And Tifa's anatomically disproportionate body, sigh.
3. Morrigan Aensland.
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I pretty much remember the first time laying my eyes on her. She was a playable character in the very first Marvel vs. Capcom which was on the PS1 and holy frak did I ravage her. Uh. On the console I mean, beating the Hulk to a bloody fucking pulp. There's also this fan comic of most of the Darkstalkers characters which I got my hands on (In a secretive manner I believe, the content of said comic could cause the multiverse to implode upon itself and create a new big bang.)
4. Mandy from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy; previously part of Grim & Evil.
We used to have real fucking good cartoons back then, and jesus fuck, I really do wonder where the fuck those days have gone. Grim & Evil used to fuel my childhood with the consolation that the thoughts I was having was pretty normal. Now all you have is motherfucking Cow and Chicken. Humanity is indeed doomed.
Anyway, seriously, you could throw in any badass female persona into the mix, and none of them would even come close to the ultimate awesomeness that is Mandy. I mean really, she's technically an infant wears a weird little infant dress and she could manage to whoop everybody's ass to bits. Including the fucking Grim Reaper. If that's not a testament to her capabilities then i don't know what else is.
She's a constant reminder that those days were ultimately more awesome. We had good music, good cartoons, good familial values and appreciation. We even fought with more honour. I honestly can't figure out what happened to the years after I was born, it's like 1991 was the last year that awesomeness survived. Now, you have Bieber, then Black, and then a girl who looks like Bieber and is feeding off his fame. Humanity failed, and Mandy is constantly there with a baseball bat to remind us of it.
5. Android 18 from Dragonball.
I'm pretty sure this list is pretty fucking weird but fuck it.
6. Lúthien Tinúviel.
I've said this once, and I'll say it again and again till your ears develop vocal cords to drown my voice. The Lay of Leithian or the Tale of Beren and Lúthien is undeniably the awesomest love story ever. Why? Because she's fucking in it.
The beauty of written words is that your imagination will be free of any pesky weights which society forces upon and you can just soar. For example if I say big without any reference to an object, everybody will have a different idea of what big is. It's the same thing with beauty. Tolkien described milady to his utmost capabilities but somehow, it doesn't really work. My Lúthien will be unique to myself that through my eyes, none could compare. Which is why she's on my list, she can be anything, she can take almost any physical mortal form, and she can be anything.
If that didn't make sense, I actually understand. I don't understand half of what I'm saying either right now. Go away sleep, I need to study.
7. Enma Ai from Jigoku Shoujo / Hell Girl.
Now we come to the ones who pretty much made me realise that the world is not a place that promises happiness. First off, we have the one and only Enma. Okay, first off, I have to clarify that though she may be barely legal, technically she's about 2000 year old. If anything, I have an obsession with a cougar. A very fucking hot cougar.
She has everything doesn't she? Long hair, bangs, dead eyes (Which are motherfucking red. Suck on that normal humans.) and the prized 'I don't give a fuck attitude'. Also, she's an emissary of hell itself so I believe that it should add about a gazillion points to her value? Seriously, a valid chance to be with her for eternity... I'll do almost anything. From being a slave to destroying earth.
Fuck man, just look at her.
8. Nishino Tsukasa from Ichigo 100%.
I'm pretty sure that most of you don't know who/what she is or what Ichigo 100% is. She's fictional, it's a manga and guuuhhhh thou shalt go retard whilst reading it.
9. Death from Neil Gaiman's Sandman.
Jesus fuck, do I even have to say any more? She's Death, and unlike the oh so fucking common character portrayal (Hats off to Neil Gaiman for pulling this off) she's... Nice. And warm. It's like what I see Death as, not some twisted creature, skeletal or whatever.
Also, as the picture above shows; hot much? Always in black leather, that's enough for me, oh yes.
10. Yuuko Ichihara
Come to think of it, I naturally suck when it comes to traditionalist. I like tradition, I like having something that you have to protect and to teach for it to remain alive. Hence, it's only obvious that I'd be attached to such an awesome character. I mean in a whole, the manga itself is quite painful to read with the plot holes and the fucked up ending but she pretty much saved it. The character, the addition of eccentricity... But mostly it's the whole traditionalist thing, fuck, where have all the ladies with great appreciation of the old days gone to? I mean really, where?
Also, long hair and bangs, ah fuck.
11. Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel or as awesomely known as: Harley Quinn.
I'm not gonna lie to you. She's number 1.
Ever since I was a kid, I've had a crippling fear of clowns and mimes and whatever it is that paints a smile on it's face. Then I remembered watching the Batman animated series, and when the Joker came about with his fangirl, Harley, it fucking blew my mind. They don't hide the fact that they're evil little fuckers. Like, painted face is a yes, laughter all the more but no whining or pretending and shit. Just plain unadulterated violence.
So I guess I was naturally made to fall for Harley. Like, fuck, what kind of irony is it to be so obsessed with one's mortal fear. Shit, whoever made the sketch above is fucking godlike, that's one hot Harley. I remembered watching the Return of the Joker, and there's the part when Harley falls off the cliff and fuck, the depression that came about... That sucked.
So yeah, fuck all the hot ladies of the fucking world, gimme a Harley Quinn, fictional or not, and I can go celibate. Who needs em, eh?
The truth is, I have a wide range of things I want in a woman and unfortunately, these things often contradict each other. I'd like a lady who's an evil mastermind but at the same time, I'd want the essence of innocence. I want a lady who's artistic, but at the same time, I want her to be a total fucking geek. In short, I'm greedy as hell and I want everything rolled into one package. Like a massive sushi. With boobs. Or you know, if technology allows it, I'll clone a female copy of myself and marry her. Yeah.
 |
| Strange. Sushi with boobs actually have results... |
And yeah, they don't age either.
1. Daphne Anne Blake
I admit, this is kind of weird. But the past is the past, and when I was a kid, I watched a fuckload of Scooby Doo, after an hour of Discovery Channel. It was a requirement set upon by my mother but enough on that. Daphne, through my wee eyes, was simply fuck awesome. I mean seriously, she was fuck smart, looked awesome, rides a fucking VW, and goes around ghost hunting. What more would you want. I hated that blonde fucktard in the white shirt, even as a kid, I'd understood that he was the epitome of douchebagerry. And the other girl? Fuck that, the other girl didn't even have a name... Did she?
2. Final Fantasy VII Girls.
 |
| In all their pixelated glory! |
I didn't really give a fuck about Aries though, she's too nice and well, she kind of died halfway. But Tifa and Yuffie though, those were quite special indeed. I mean really, both of them could probably beat me up and leave me a crumpled husk by the roadside. Which is hot, I think.
Yuffie's a ninja. Those three words are pretty much the main components of obsession, you put a barely legal girl in a ninja outfit and send her out into the wild. All that's ever going to come out of that is rule 34. And Tifa's anatomically disproportionate body, sigh.
3. Morrigan Aensland.
I pretty much remember the first time laying my eyes on her. She was a playable character in the very first Marvel vs. Capcom which was on the PS1 and holy frak did I ravage her. Uh. On the console I mean, beating the Hulk to a bloody fucking pulp. There's also this fan comic of most of the Darkstalkers characters which I got my hands on (In a secretive manner I believe, the content of said comic could cause the multiverse to implode upon itself and create a new big bang.)
4. Mandy from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy; previously part of Grim & Evil.
We used to have real fucking good cartoons back then, and jesus fuck, I really do wonder where the fuck those days have gone. Grim & Evil used to fuel my childhood with the consolation that the thoughts I was having was pretty normal. Now all you have is motherfucking Cow and Chicken. Humanity is indeed doomed.
Anyway, seriously, you could throw in any badass female persona into the mix, and none of them would even come close to the ultimate awesomeness that is Mandy. I mean really, she's technically an infant wears a weird little infant dress and she could manage to whoop everybody's ass to bits. Including the fucking Grim Reaper. If that's not a testament to her capabilities then i don't know what else is.
She's a constant reminder that those days were ultimately more awesome. We had good music, good cartoons, good familial values and appreciation. We even fought with more honour. I honestly can't figure out what happened to the years after I was born, it's like 1991 was the last year that awesomeness survived. Now, you have Bieber, then Black, and then a girl who looks like Bieber and is feeding off his fame. Humanity failed, and Mandy is constantly there with a baseball bat to remind us of it.
5. Android 18 from Dragonball.
I'm pretty sure this list is pretty fucking weird but fuck it.
6. Lúthien Tinúviel.
| Your mind, body and soul. |
The beauty of written words is that your imagination will be free of any pesky weights which society forces upon and you can just soar. For example if I say big without any reference to an object, everybody will have a different idea of what big is. It's the same thing with beauty. Tolkien described milady to his utmost capabilities but somehow, it doesn't really work. My Lúthien will be unique to myself that through my eyes, none could compare. Which is why she's on my list, she can be anything, she can take almost any physical mortal form, and she can be anything.
If that didn't make sense, I actually understand. I don't understand half of what I'm saying either right now. Go away sleep, I need to study.
7. Enma Ai from Jigoku Shoujo / Hell Girl.
Now we come to the ones who pretty much made me realise that the world is not a place that promises happiness. First off, we have the one and only Enma. Okay, first off, I have to clarify that though she may be barely legal, technically she's about 2000 year old. If anything, I have an obsession with a cougar. A very fucking hot cougar.
She has everything doesn't she? Long hair, bangs, dead eyes (Which are motherfucking red. Suck on that normal humans.) and the prized 'I don't give a fuck attitude'. Also, she's an emissary of hell itself so I believe that it should add about a gazillion points to her value? Seriously, a valid chance to be with her for eternity... I'll do almost anything. From being a slave to destroying earth.
Fuck man, just look at her.
8. Nishino Tsukasa from Ichigo 100%.
I'm pretty sure that most of you don't know who/what she is or what Ichigo 100% is. She's fictional, it's a manga and guuuhhhh thou shalt go retard whilst reading it.
9. Death from Neil Gaiman's Sandman.
Jesus fuck, do I even have to say any more? She's Death, and unlike the oh so fucking common character portrayal (Hats off to Neil Gaiman for pulling this off) she's... Nice. And warm. It's like what I see Death as, not some twisted creature, skeletal or whatever.
Also, as the picture above shows; hot much? Always in black leather, that's enough for me, oh yes.
10. Yuuko Ichihara
Come to think of it, I naturally suck when it comes to traditionalist. I like tradition, I like having something that you have to protect and to teach for it to remain alive. Hence, it's only obvious that I'd be attached to such an awesome character. I mean in a whole, the manga itself is quite painful to read with the plot holes and the fucked up ending but she pretty much saved it. The character, the addition of eccentricity... But mostly it's the whole traditionalist thing, fuck, where have all the ladies with great appreciation of the old days gone to? I mean really, where?
Also, long hair and bangs, ah fuck.
11. Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel or as awesomely known as: Harley Quinn.
I'm not gonna lie to you. She's number 1.
Ever since I was a kid, I've had a crippling fear of clowns and mimes and whatever it is that paints a smile on it's face. Then I remembered watching the Batman animated series, and when the Joker came about with his fangirl, Harley, it fucking blew my mind. They don't hide the fact that they're evil little fuckers. Like, painted face is a yes, laughter all the more but no whining or pretending and shit. Just plain unadulterated violence.
So I guess I was naturally made to fall for Harley. Like, fuck, what kind of irony is it to be so obsessed with one's mortal fear. Shit, whoever made the sketch above is fucking godlike, that's one hot Harley. I remembered watching the Return of the Joker, and there's the part when Harley falls off the cliff and fuck, the depression that came about... That sucked.
So yeah, fuck all the hot ladies of the fucking world, gimme a Harley Quinn, fictional or not, and I can go celibate. Who needs em, eh?
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