Sleepless Nights 83 - Older.

When I was a kid, I used to look forward to get mail. Not for myself, obviously but I found the whole postage system to be fascinating.

Yeah. I was a weird one.

Anyway, at times, these wedding invitations will be posted to the house and I was always amazed at how they wrote my parents' name on the cards. Evidently, I was also very slow back then. I always thought that one day, I will be a person whose names people will write on cards and mail it to the house.

Well, I guess I was a pretty dumb kid back then because you don;t really have to be anybody important to get invited to weddings.

Now, in front of me, lies two cards that has my name printed on it. It is dementedly weird.

I keep forgetting that I'm twenty two (In a few months). While that might be laughable to you, it really weirds me out. Sometimes, out of the blue, my mind reminds me that I was born in 1991 and then slowly (I'm still not good at maths) it becomes apparent to me that 2001 and 2011 were nothing but vague memories. Then I realise that it's actually 2013 now and I've outgrown my teenage years for quite awhile.

I mean, I remember turning 18. I remember burying a relative. I remember lowering the body into the grave and I remember feeling somewhat enlightened afterwards. 19, 20, 21? Not much. And now all of the sudden, I'm close to being 22.

It's a very foreign feeling. I've always been the youngest among my peers, considering I skipped a grade through sheer dastardly luck. Somehow, I believe that it instilled in me a complex, fooling me to believe that I will always be young wherever I go. A few days ago, I saw a person's username and it ended with '92' and that shit just messed up my mind. A person younger than me. Talking to me. I feel as if I'm a 30 something year old when in fact, the age gap is less than a year, probably.

It's even weirder when I realise that the next generation of my family have already been born. They're there. The carriers of our legacy (If it even exists). Man.

I envisioned being older in a very different way. I really did. I expected that once one turns twenty, they immediately get thrown into a chasm called 'Responsibility'. Some do, I guess but I feel as if I've missed out on that.

I've changed a lot since I was eighteen. Mostly for the better, I'm much less emotionally driven I think and that's a pretty damn good thing. What I'm wondering is when does one actually develop a steady personality? I was a totally different person back then and it only took me four years to actually revamp my mindset. What will happen in another ten years? Will I be changed into another different and unrecognisable person again and again? When does it stop?

Fuck man, all these questions immediately after Sahur. Sucks balls.