What Ramadhan Means.

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Ramadhan has arrived again. So begins the whole Sahur and Iftar routine.

As usual, an event of this magnitude leads to a flood of Facebook updates reminding us of what this month means and so on. Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to accept most of what is being said.

See, when I was a kid, I never had things explained to me. I believe that my parents would like me to come up with my own conclusion to what is and what is not. Ramadhan was one of those things. My mother never sat me down and told me I needed to fast because of so and so reason. It was expected of me and at the young age of five (Or was it six?) I had already successfully completed a whole month of fasting.

Enough with the reminiscing. Over the years, I've tried to explain to a multitude of people on why exactly I fast. I was never the person who was comfortable being in a Muslim Malay community, so I always found myself fasting in a society that thought that the act was quite simply; fucked up.

I'm not embarrassed to say that I at times, decide to disregard everything and have a smoke while fasting. Or a meal or whatever. I reveal that fact because I don't want people to see me as a model Muslim who has all the answers. I don't and if you're looking for the rantings of a straight-edge Muslim, then I must regretfully show you the door. What I have are theories which I have gathered having lived the life of an average person.

I never looked at Ramadhan as a test. I do not regard it as something in which God almighty expects me to do to prove to others of my identity as a Muslim. I don't do it because I fear God's wrath, I don't do it because I want to ensure myself a place in good ol' heaven. I see that as something very superficial.

If I were to explain the whole logic behind fasting to my child, I wouldn't tell him/her that it is simply because we are Muslims and that it is expected of us. If I were to do so, I will see myself as a failed parent because I am supposed to have a clear answer for my children. Instead; I will tell him/her this:

Ramadhan is the month where you realise how human you are. That's it. It's a month where you subject yourself to the deprivation of basic sustenance and luxury. Why? So that you have the golden opportunity to put yourself in the shoes of the unfortunate and wear them for a month.

However, that itself is superficial. You hunger, you thirst, you crave a smoke. Personally, that wouldn't even matter if you do not further understand the implication. I'll take myself as an example because I put myself on the very last step when it comes to self control. While I fast, I get these thoughts. Thoughts of having a smoke, thoughts of having a drink and so on. Now, all this shows that no matter who I am, no matter how high my social standing is, while I fast, none of it matters. I go through the day the same way some homeless, hungry person does. Perhaps I am even weaker than that person because I am privileged enough to know deep down that I have that option back home.

Ramadhan makes me realise how weak I am. It's amazing because I find out about these weaknesses through communication with none other but my own self. I don't need to have people come up to me and tell me that I lack so and so qualities, just through this simple process, I am exposed to the insufficiencies of my own character. That's what makes Ramadhan so beautiful.

Quite obviously, I cannot broach the topic of Tarawikh without pretending not to be a hypocrite. But allow me to say this, Tarawikh is the least of my concern. Just by fasting, I am assaulted by these revelations which forces me to come to terms with my weakness. To be reminded at every waking moment of how flawed one is... A blessing. I doubt that my words make much sense but for what it's worth, it hits me like a sack of bricks to the face.

This is the reason which makes me feel so appalled when a person questions another about not performing Tarawikh. Or not staying up for Qiyam. There're so many aspects to Ramadhan and it differs from one person and the other. Don't frown upon some other person just because he or she does not observe the month as you do.

Perhaps he/she has a greater sense of fulfillment that you. Food for thought, maybe.