Yeah, I think that the last fight scene in Avatar: The Last Airbender is probably as good as it gets. Motherfucking God mode.
Things have been somewhat... Difficult. Strangely I actually anticipated it, considering that things have been slow moving and passive for the last couple of months. It's got to take a bad turn eventually. I only hoped that it could have happened some other time.
In the biggest surprise of my life; I'm broke. As in really broke. I went to the bank with the confidence of a fucking deity, jammed the card in, decided to check my balance and then I went into an extreme bout of denial when I saw the screen. MYR22. All that's left.
Sure, you might say that it's normal for a university student to be broke, it's the way of the multiverse apparently. However, I have always been able to give the multiverse a big fat 'Fuck you' in a way that my bank balance had never dipped below RM1500. I find it to be something I've grown to be proud of but well, that little incident pretty much took my by the wrinkly scrotum and smashed me onto the concrete floor face-first.
I know. Not a big deal, just a bit of a miscalculation on my part, you say, you'll bounce back and things will return to normal. Well, fuck that. This is not just a miscalculation, it is THE miscalculation. All my life, I've actually had to think about what might happen in the future, be wary, be fucking wary and keep a trump card up my sleeve but this... This I did not foresee. The foundations of my very lifestyle is at risk because of this fucking miscalculation. I've always kept a clear head before and know about the consequences of actions but it was as if I'm losing my edge lately. How did this happen? Well, of course I know how it happened.
I was careless. And stupid. I bought this desktop and then I bought the tickets home under the illusion that the money I receive is on a monthly basis. I conveniently forgot about the fact that I get it on a trimonthly basis. The real question is how did I manage to forget? My ego and my pride clouded my vision and I lost touch with the very thing I used to live by: Simplicity. Somehow by actually making these purchases, I let it get to my head and for once I wanted to know how it felt like being nonchalant, spending money as if I could pluck it out of the motherfucking sky. One miscalculation. One fucking mistake. This one mistake made me forsake everything I lived by.
I had to depend on people. I had to swallow my pride - No small feat considering it's roughly the size of a fucking nebula - swallow it and hold it in while I accept an act of charity, a sum of money, being indebted. The one thing that I have tried to not do. Be indebted to another person. To see myself in such a low and weak position. It sickens me. I failed myself. This damned fucking incident will forever be a tear on the fucking silk canvas. An ugly scar.
I abhor the fact that people do not understand this. They say 'Ah, it's just a small sum of money' or 'You should be grateful that people helped you' and to be perfectly honest, I understand that. I am grateful, I know that it's something that I could easily repay but the damage done to myself is fucking catastrophic. To a certain extent I've always managed to take care of myself. Not as in a sob story where I had to struggle all through my life; in more ways than one, my work had been cut out for me. Good family, stuff was there but I pride myself in knowing that even when I could have so much stuff for free, I denied it, preferring to rather work for it instead. My parents taught me to live as independent as possible and I absolutely love the fact that they did not spoil us, not one bit even when they had many chances to. It made me strong, street-wise and most importantly, opened my eyes to a lot of things.
When I decided to travel to Europe, my Father insisted on giving me a sum of money and I was under no illusion that what I had was not enough. But I was conflicted, if I did not ask him for it, I probably would not get past France but if I did ask him, I would pose myself as a needy cunt. So I asked for the bare minimum, enough to get me through but not more to the point where I could live in luxury. So I went there and I used my ability to manipulate people and fuck ethics, I am fucking proud of that. I got through, on my own, through five countries, without needing to ask for any more. Now? Now I'm in a fucking rut because of a simple motherfucking brain fart. I should burn for this mistake.
I haven't spent any of the money I received from my brother. I've been having a meal a day on instant noodles and anything I could get my hands on but it seems that I will have to spend it eventually. I know that with every god damned purchase, I'm going to feel like a fucking sack of uselessness. I hardly think I'm going to get any peace of mind until I pay Bhaiyya back.
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I started photography again but I took everything I knew and threw it out of the window. What I learnt before turned photography into some sort of chore, a work-related, stress breeding thing and I cannot let it be that way again. So I've started anew, taking photos only when I want to and not to get the approval of a couple of people. So far it's been well... Liberating. I'm sure that eventually I will get into more serious ideas but I doubt it would be soon.
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| Asymmetry: A play on overexposure. |
Dark days ahead.
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Eargasm of the day:
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