I've been thinking a lot about my future, specifically career wise. For a paranoid cunt like myself, I'm surprised that I've never actually done this before.
Thing is, being in the final year is a massive wake up call and I've noticed that everybody started taking this whole saving lives thing really seriously. The doctors are far more critical about our mistakes and my colleagues (That word will never not be awkward) are stepping up their game. It's not just them either, it's happening to me too. I go to class nowadays on a very regular basis and I take notes. Me. Taking notes. Yeah, let's get over that fact pronto.
I've always had a rough plan to be honest. Graduate, start working, finish my housemanship and look to specialise in Neuro or Rheumatology or something interesting. Then work more and die eventually. It's seems simple enough initially but after awhile, the whole thing is just not realistic.
It will not be that easy. Who the fuck am I kidding? There'll be major hiccups. I keep on convincing myself that my social life is well, non existent but that in itself is a lie, isn't it? I mean I do go out and I enjoy the company of a few select others. Can I easily give that up? God knows.
And personal life? Romance and marriage and kids and the whole fucking shebang? How on earth will that even fit in?
The whole thing scared the daylights out of me. I went to class the other day and I was just completely rattled. Everybody was smarter, everybody seemed to know what they're doing and I'm at the side just
I guess I was upset because it was the first time for me to realise the gravity of the situation. This is my life now. It's going to be a daily routine from here on, a cycle of mind numbing work and I don't know if I can handle that. As much as I love learning, I don't know if I can do it when I'm forced to. What joy will there be in that?
Obviously the question of writing as a profession came up and while I'm sure that I can do it, the time taken to get a stable income from it is far too inconsistent. What will I do till then? Live on my parent's welfare? Fuck that shit.
If I fail this, there is nowhere to go. What can I do with a medical degree if I can't take the pressure of being a doctor? All these questions just sitting there staring at me and I don't fucking know the answers.
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I have this strange thought. Happiness is for old people. Young ones are not meant to be happy, it's an unsuitable state of mind. I think that when you're young, you're meant to go through utter shit. Being depressed for no reason, being kept awake at night just wondering if there's more out there, constantly asking yourself if you're good enough... Being happy symbolises an end to this, you're at a point where you don't give a fuck anymore and are content with what you have.
Sure, it's very nice and lovely and all but wouldn't that mean you've lost the drive? The world ahead of you and you're just satisfied with sitting in one corner. It's not a bad life, yeah, but there's just... So much more. Hundreds of opportunities; all you need to do is hold out your hands.
When you're old, it's like you've reached a point where you can rightfully say that 'I've been there, tried, failed a few times, succeeded in some and now... I'm just tired. I want to rest". Is that what happiness is? Fuck, man, I don't even know.
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