Honesty. To the Fucking Max (V) - Ultraman Taro's Horns.

1. Nobody will like what I am going to write, nobody will find it in their mind/heart to accept it and the narrow minded society always will deny it. (How very edgy of me. No longer applicable.)

2. I am not suicidal. People think that me cutting myself ultimately leads to me being suicidal but I am not. I love the way my blood trickles and coagulates. That and how it reminds me of my mortality. (What the fuck is this shit, past me? What the fuck is this?)

3. I have only 4 close friends who I would truly get steamrolled for. To those who may have the feeling that I might do that for them, you're delusional.

4. I hate mass human contact.

5. I believe that the current world has nothing worth living for except for family.

6. Watching 'The Arrivals', prolly everything that the fucker says has already been noted in my brain. (Lies. Utter lies. The Arrivals is a bag of paranoid shit that has an awesome music score.)

7. The book Taqwacore has more bad points than good. The book itself is awesome but the messages go overboard at times. (Lack of a deeper understanding is what happened here. The Taqwacores is a fantastic book and the messages demand interpretation and it differs from one to the other.)

8. I love God. I may be that bastard that doesn't pray and sin 24-7 but He is there and I devote myself to him. Hidayah is a journey, I haven't and maybe I will never find my destination. So fuck off you retarded stereotypical motherfucking fanatics. Stop giving Islam a bad name. This is dedicated to those who think they are fucking messiahs while all they do is lead people astray. They are all around us.

9. This thing here in Egypt where there are Societies formed among M'sians. Yeah, those. I think its fucking stupid. And at the same time I'm calling all those who support this shit moronic mongoloids. Happy New Year!

10. I am sorry, truly to those who I have not kept in contact with. (I'm not. Not any more.)

11. To the fuckers who go around trying to change people: Stop being so fucking afraid of your fragility. Sebelum tolong orang, tengok diri sendiri dalam cermin dulu, tengok betul-betul iman tu tahap mana.

12. The Bible is super good reading material. (Super would be an overstatement. It's okay. When you're bored, perhaps.)

13. Muslims can keep dogs. To those who think otherwise, refer to Surrah al-Baqarah 2:115. So much for angels not coming in the house.

14. Even as an Arsenal fan, I think Wenger needs to go. Maybe a little change in the game plan perhaps?

15. My laptop is dead. As in dead dead. I'm ready to cry now. I'm about to lose my portfolio for the second FUCKING TIME IN 12 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! WHY ME....

16. I cannot see myself in any other place except being down the drain 10-20 years in the future...

17. I have no idea why but I feel as if bits and pieces of me are being left behind everywhere I go.

18. I am extremely ignorant and I love that fact no matter how many fuckers are hurt. Ha-ha. (Surprisingly wrong, much to my relief.)

19. I do not appreciate being insulted. Seriously. Why? Because then I'll insult the insulter back and me not being used to restrain my words (both vocabulary wise and subject wise), it'll end up messy. (Truth is, my ego is not used to being wounded back then. While I still can stand my ground in a word joust, I don't like being insulted because I read too much into it.)

20. I fear darkness, cold water, ghosts, heights, clowns and anxiety. Crazy crazy world. (Somehow, after four years, this still remains true.)

21. I wish I am clinically crazy.

22. I think that half of the supporters of Chelsea and Manchester United are just doing it because they'd like to be in a winning position. Correction. 3/4.

23. Coffee is ecstasy with orgasmic capabilities.

24. I have no respect for people who cannot distinguish between Jews and Zionist. These are the people who contribute to the deterioration of the world today.

25. I try to stay away from Malays because most of them are into that stupid fucked up mentality in which Malays are supreme and all other races are inferior. What the fuck?

26. I hate fucking weddings.

27. I need to get laid.

28. Sigh. My laptop died. There goes my Lightning and my writings.

29. I am an emotional impulse driven ignorant fuck.

30. The fact that I have to do Medicine is one thing, having to do it in Egypt is another but having to do it with 500 over Malaysians surrounding me beats everything.

31. I can't make a change no matter how hard I try.

32. Chics in specs with long hair is el kryptonit.

33. Gugarshlider. Ah, good times.

34. I am truly worried/intrigued bout the state of my mental health. Lately I've been having this urge of being hit by a car on the freeway and the scene just keeps on playing in my brain...

35. I hate people who, when being pressured try to pull innocent bystanders down the drain with him/her/it/shit. It's such an insulting act, it's like saying 'Heck, You're slightly guilty so why not we go down together.' Seriously. What the fuck man.

36. I'm tired of human contact, hence the 'Appear offline' status on MSN. (MSN? I've almost forgotten what that is.)

37. I realise now that I'm a knowledge addict. Any kind of knowledge... It's like fucking heroin, no something so much stronger. It's lust, really...

38. Someone asked me why I act like an ass so much all the time. Telling me that it'd hurt me all the more and I'd die alone etc etc. I thought of it and I told her: Fuck you woman, I enjoy being an ass. At least I'm right. And truly, I do enjoy being right, the hurt ego of everybody else is so... satisfying. (So, so edgy.)

39. Talking bout ego, I have a huge parasitic one. However the difference between me and the other ego-maniacal people out there is that I know when to lay low and manipulate slowly. Hah, you people suck.

40. A lot of these are no longer applicable. It's amusing yet detrimental to see how I've grown out of certain mindsets over the years.

41. I am proud of having the innate ability to not view a lot of things as offensive. There's always a joke in everything and when you accept it, life becomes slightly evermore bearable.

42. I find that gore in films to be hilarious. It's one of the best recreational activities so far. Everybody else would cringe or flinch or turn away but then I'd look and laugh simply because it's physiologically and anatomically incorrect. Supernatural shit, on the other hand, seriously fucks up my day. I just watched a film called 'Sinister' and now my imagination is on overdrive.

43. I admit that I, at times, participate in what the common public calls 'Facebook stalking', only in a more docile and tame manner. It always ends up the same way, though. Once in awhile I chance upon a lady whose physical beauty rivals that of the goddess Aphrodite herself. It might be just me but I immediately attach a desired character towards strangers. Most of the time, they fail to live up to that expectation and it sends me spiralling down a morose tunnel. It's unfair, I know, how very judgemental of me but then when you have this near perfect specimen and she blabbers utter nonsense like 'Add me and u wont regret it', you're left wondering what's to happen in the event that she breeds. You're already perfect in one department, why not strive to achieve greatness with the other?

44. I immensely enjoy browsing on 4Chan. I've seen some fucked up shit and I regret absolutely nothing.

45. I do not hate humanity in its entirety. While prone to extreme bouts of absolute fuckuppery, there are times when people exhibit such startling acts of compassion and greatness. I believe that it is the only gem amongst the filth that is #YOLO and #Swag which allows us to proceed to a better future.

46. I honestly don't know why the world hates Nickelback. I haven't listened to them since I developed a more diverse music taste but seriously, the hatred against them on the internet forces me to believe that they kill and feast on babies.

47. I read that some legends point out that the reason one cannot fall asleep at night is because one is awake in another's dream.

While that's very fucking cute and romantic, if I find said person, I will feed him/her his/her own intestines.

48. Coffee is the elixir of Gods.

49. I had the most mind-boggling dream when I was eighteen. I was at a hospital and I saw my then lovely ex-girlfriend on a bed, looking very fucking sick and in labour. Please don't ask why. And then she died, right in front of me and for some reason, that grief and sorrow was so fucking powerful that it broke through the boundary of dream and resonated through reality. The doctor gave me this newborn child and I just told him that I don't know what to fucking do.

It gets more mind-fuckingly intense when all the dreams I had after which included me being in a family setting showed that my wife is deceased. Like here. Entry number 2.

50. When I get my degree and go back to Malaysia, I think that I need to disappear for awhile. Away from family and such. To be perfectly honest, I often feel inadequate and inferior when compared to the rest of them and my retarded social interaction skills only makes it worse. Make a name for myself perhaps, get some recognition and then who knows, maybe I can see them as equals.

51. A friend asked me if I had any major goals that I'm working on that doesn't involve money. Turns out I do and I've been subconsciously failing at it for so long.

As much as I love fantasy, I need to stop living in it. I need to somehow get out of this loop where I base my life on a series of imagined scenarios. So far, that shit, no matter how awesome it seems, has a tendency to swing a sledgehammer of depression into my gut. Every fucking day, I live my life in my mind and I completely ignore reality. A girl comes and shows interest? Nope, she's far greater in my mind. Invitation to go out? Nope, my mind tells me that a lot of shit will happen. Stay home instead. It's just a bit too hard to find a way out.

52. Names are surprisingly hard to be memorised. And the process of attaching a name to a face is horrendously more so difficult.

53. I think that proper Malay is a beautiful, fantastic language. There's a lot of beauty when it's utilised properly. Malay songs during the rock era somehow made me realise this fact.

54. Talking about music, my previous statement(s) if present about being universal is sadly, wrong. There must be poetry in song, that's what I realised. It doesn't even matter if the song doesn't have lyrics, strictly speaking. Some musicians could compose songs which make it seem as if the instruments are reciting Keats.

55. One of my biggest rage-inducing pet peeves is when a person laughs and says the following: I know you.

56. It doesn't even matter if it's family or a friend or a stranger, it rustles my jimmies and sends them spiralling into a thermonuclear state of wrath. Please, don't kid yourself.

57. I have an immediate negative view towards people who wear coloured contacts. It's hard for me to relax and have a laugh with a person who probably doesn't appreciate his/her own eye colour.

58. Talking about that, I also cannot fucking understand people who find the need to glamorise their names. I just saw this guy on facebook with his name written as Ehsan something. Then at the end of it, with brackets: Fernando. What the fuck? What the bloody fuck? Where the fuck did you get Fernando from? Your broken heart and failed dreams?

59. I did not know that Norah Jones was Pandit Ravi Shankar's kid. I did not know she was mixed; I honestly thought she was a pure Caucasian. The truth hit me square in the chest when Bhaiyya told me and I kept denying it because she does not look the slightest fucking bit Indian. It blows my fucking mind. I did a Wiki search and her first name is Geethali. What the fuck. How has this truth eluded me for so fucking long?!

60. When I'm old, I'd like to be able to sit back and think: I had one hell of a fucking adventure and thanks to that, it made me who I was today. Instead of: Oh God, I'm sorry I wasted my life with so much fuck ups.

61. One of my biggest desire in life is to know who came up with the idea of making vodka/other liquors. It's incomprehensible. So he chances upon a fucking stalk of wheat, lifts it up, stares at it intently and then thinks 'Hm, maybe if I ferment this shit long enough...'

62. I am scared of diabetes. I've seen what it does to people, rotting legs and blindness and whatever the fuck else. While that's innocent enough, my fears take a whole new nopefuck level when I'm presented by the fact that diabetes runs on both sides of the fucking family. My grandfathers had diabetes, my dad has diabetes. To make matters clear, diabetes scares me more than Pennywise the clown.

63. I like (I'm not sure if 'like' is the right word to use in this context) to not go to the toilet when I have the urge to take a dump. I wait instead, until it becomes unbearable and then allow myself the pleasure of giving birth to a raging demon from my anus.

64. While Zhang Zi Yi is notably more beautiful, I prefer Shu Qi instead. Fuck, man, she was perfect in New York, I Love You.

65. Homely looking ladies somehow have the ability to induce a hormone tornado in my body. I find it perplexing. They aren't the most beautiful, most of them are on the chubby side (Not to be confused with being morbidly obese. When I say chubby, I mean healthy and meaty) but by God I keep staring at them from afar and drool slightly.

66. If I could have a wish, it'd be to have a perfectly brewed mug of coffee appear whenever I feel like it. Bathing? On the toilet? Having an exam? Saving a dying person? Ta-da, here's a mug of coffee.

67. Homeless people scare and fascinate me at the same time. A part of me tells me that they want my spleen for dinner but another part insists that they're exiled Kings from the land of Mystic Knights or whatever.

68. Homosexuals do not bother me in the slightest. You're a guy and you fuck dudes? You're a female and you like a lot of scissoring? Carry on. The whole stigma against it is fucking ridiculous. Anwar Ibrahim, for example. Now I'm not saying I like the guy. In fact, I have a negative view but not because of some fucking unproven rumour that he's gay. Why the fuck should it even matter if he is. If he can lead the nation to a better future (Which I doubt) then fucking let him be. Fuck, if he does a magnificent job, I'll send some virgin assholes to him with a personal note of thanks.

69. I'm not an evil person. Somehow, I've come to terms with it (Rather begrudgingly) but I cannot deny that I sometimes have this urge to be inexplicably mean. And I'm great at it. I planned, waited and executed a plot which drove this unnamed person insane (Citation needed) and it was awesome.

70. Jasmine tea is like... The fucking Queen of all teas. Earl Grey is like her wayward daughter that lacks wisdom.

71. Someone asked me why I'm single. I don't even know, lady, it's probably because I have such an unrealistic expectation to the definition of romance that reality can't even fucking come close. I mean, seriously, bookstore love stories don't fucking happen and that sucks.

72. My future looks unhappy. I am somewhat disturbed by this.

73. You know, I realised that being a medical student affects my life in so many fucking ways. Take pornography for example. I used to be pretty content with whatever comes my way, no matter how unrealistic and that was such a blessing. Lately however, the human body has lost its charm in so many ways. I look at these naked women and the first thing I take note is no longer the proportionality of their body.

I no longer marvel at the curvature of her ass or the sweet asymmetry of her breast. The first thing I notice nowadays are scars. Ah, you have an almost invisible scar on your underboob, hah, you cannot trick my eyes, naked lady!

The question here is whether I can make it into some sort of fetish. If I try hard enough... Who knows...

74. General surgery makes me feel like a dumbfuck. You know those kids who play with the blocks, trying to fit the right ones into the holes? Yeah, I'm that kid but unfortunately, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

I always thought that I'm better at the practical side of medicine but recent events have proven that I am absolutely fucking abysmal at it. I'm not a systematic person and it took 6 bloody years of medicine to make me realise that it's a negative trait. Not being systematic means I miss a lot of shit and missing a lot of shit means I have a higher chance of fucking up and fucking up means I'm better off stabbing every fucking patient in the neck with a rusty scalpel when they come to see me.

I'm deathly afraid of what's going to happen when I start working.

75. I think I'm in love with Annie from community. Not the actor but the character herself. But then again, I fall in love with every disturbed female character in every series so this should pass. Hopefully.

76. I started reading Sun Tzu's Art of War. Perhaps I'm new to the whole military turned business management thing but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of it. They are valuable lessons, yes, but mostly basic logic, no? Maybe I need to meditate and shit to actually understand some sort of secret lesson.

77. I'm 23 and already jaded as fuck.

78. I submitted a story to KL Noir: Yellow and while I tell myself that I shouldn't keep my hopes up, deep down, I'm desperate for it to be accepted.

79. From recent observation of my own self, I found out that one of the reasons why my personality is distasteful is because I am too easily attached to people. I'll give you a minute to laugh.

But seriously, I latch on to people who give me attention like a fucking starving leech from the fifth circle of hell. And then when they move on with their lives which does not have me in the center, I resent them and I cut them off and act like a thundercunt on cocaine. This, obviously, puzzles them because the question will arise regarding what they have done wrong and my ego will never allow me to tell them that I feel as if they've discarded me like a vibrator, post orgasm.

So I keep away from people to prevent that shit from occurring which means that I have to preemptively assault them with a bout of douchebaggerry which means that no matter what I do, the winged crown of the kingdom of Bastardry rests snugly on my head.

Of course, that's just a theory. I need more data to actually come to a conclusion, regardless on whether that's plausible or not.

80. There are times when I fantasize about glory and shit. Then I come back to reality and realise what an unambitious piece of shit I am. It's hilarious. People are spending a shitload of fucking money to find the way to contentment and I have it here but I think that it's a fucking curse.

This is now officially a thread.