Yeesh.

Lately - Or should I say since the day I was born - I have been having dreams which traverse the realm of peculiar into the realm of what the fuckuppery. For the past few days especially, it has been quite the adventure and by adventure, it means my mind is raped by a thousand gnomes.

1. The one with the charts.

So I was in a class for some reason and there was this guy who was trying to teach me some stuff. As the lesson progressed, he realised how I must have not given a shit about what he was talking about and he told me that okay, let's learn something better.

Yes, by charts, I meant charts.

He then took out a huge piece of paper with every single race in existence and their corresponding cheapskateness. The top ten? Dominated by Indians. If it was a film, I would have laughed. The problem was that this guy was explaining it to me in such an insanely serious manner, going through every single detail present. Then for some reason, I heard a housemate of mine say 'I gave you a blanket of pure bamboo'.

My face when I discovered there is such a thing as pure bamboo.

2. The one where I had three daughters.

I dislike kids in general. They whine, puke, throw tantrums and are general idiots. They also do not know how to walk, which sucks considering my plans for an army of darkness will be severely flawed. However, I have to clear something up here. In the even that said kid is my direct flesh and blood, I will literally smother the soon to be fucker with so much love and joy that it'd have a chance to die from it. Hypocritical, I know but what are you really going to do about it.

So, I went camping apparently. Or should I say 'We'. I remembered a stream and fucking wilderness, the whole shenanigans. Then while I was preparing lunch - Single Dad? Fuck yeah! - there were these three girls. Eldest looked seven or something and the other two was five and three I think. Anyway, the eldest approached me and asked if it was okay to go explore the wilderness. My first thought was 'Yeah, sure' but then thoughts of violent deaths and the fact that we were faraway from civilisation made me realise that fuck no, I'm not going to let that happen. Then this happened.

Me: No, we'll all take a walk once we finish lunch.
Girl: But Dad - Or something like that - we'll be careful.
Me: No, there's a lot of things that might happen to you guys, so wait. Finish lunch, then we'll go.
Girl: Why would you want to go with us?
Me: Cause there's a lot that you could learn. I know a bit of stuff about the wilderness.
Girl: But I think it would be better if we went without you.
Me: Really? Why is that?
Girl: Because you were the one who said that adventure is important!
Me: Of course it is, but it's not worth getting hurt.
Girl: But Dad, the characters in the stories you told us - Lay of Leithian comes to mind - didn't have Dads following them.
Me: Well, those are stories after all. They're meant to have happy endings. And they're very different people from us.
Girl: So you're saying the stories were lies?
Me: They're not lies, the important part of the story is the moral of it. Like going through hardship no matter the difficulties that lie ahead.
Girl: But that's what we want. If we went and got hurt, it would be worthwhile.
Me: But...
Girl: And if we went by ourselves, the amount of things we could learn will be so much more intense. We won't be sheltered, and we won't have anybody to act as the safety net.
Me: ... STOP TWISTING MY WORDS!

Then I woke up. Took a knife. Cut my balls off. Problem averted.

No, of course I did not. I remembered waking up and laughing because fucking hell man, those were awesome kids.

3. POW camp and the sweet insanity that ensues.

I went to a POW camp. Got a room. Did not have the urge to rebel. Sat around doing nothing. Never see any guards around. Next few days, room mate arrives. Female.

*Censored*

To be fair, the dream was a tad bit too short. No, it was pretty long but most of it was in the censored part. What I mean to say is that it was about to be a melodramatic dream thing but meh, most of the time I was preoccupied with a certain other activity. Morpheus must have given the fuck up.

4. The one that nearly became a nightmare.

This one was pretty long.

So my parents decided to go to India apparently and took me along. What they failed to notify me is that we'll be going with a fuckload - And by a fuckload I mean a fuckload - of Malaccans. Which later I would recognise as the fuckers who came back with us to Egypt after the revolution.

Anyway, somehow, we ended up on a train. We must have been in India already because sweet mother of strawberry poptarts that train was packed. Somehow or rather, I felt the need to check my luggage and this guy told me that the luggage room - We had a luggage room - needed to be emptied. So I went to the luggage room and took out my luggage but I left my toiletry bag in just in case.

I'd like to say that I'm making this up but... This was the luggage room.

Now it got pretty weird. So the train stops, everyone got down and then it did not continue on its journey. It became our train, as in our personal fucking transport. A fucking train. After getting over that face, we went to our designated accommodation. Then one night my Mom woke me up with this worried look and asked me if I've taken my stuff out of the luggage room. I told her I did but then I thought of the fucking toiletry bag that I left. So I went to the room and there was hundreds of people outside. Then I saw this guy that I recognised, a mate from primary school and he was slumped on the pavement - Yes, the train is gone - so I asked him what the fuck is going on. He was rambling about how it wasn't supposed to go on this way, that he knew what he was doing and it was an accident. Sure, I was mildly amused but there was something about him that pretty much induced the fear into me heart.

So I pushed through the crowd to the front and I saw a deceased granduncle telling people that it's quite bad. He said:

'Okay, so the situation now is that a few of our young ones have idiotically dabbled in arts that they do not know about. Yes, I meant the dark arts and these fuckers have now summoned a demon.So yeah, they did ask everyone to remove any of their belongings but we found, well not us, the demon found a toiletry bag.'

At this point I was pretty much shitting my pants and hoping some other fuck left their own toiletry bag but of course, there can be no other. Then, this.

'So I talked to the demon and she told me that the owner is hers. And... She's going to give a complimentary full body massage.'

I think my brain just imploded from the hilarity.

Eargasm of the day: Suddenly; fairy tales.