The disadvantages of having a splinter lodged in a toe: A study executed at 2:36 a.m.

To whoever it may concern.

As explained by the title, I shall proceed to explain the disadvantage of having a splinter i.e. a small, sharp piece of wood pierce and nestle itself in a toe. This will be done through a step by step analysis and finally, a conclusion.

1. Discovering said splinter.

Discovering a splinter can occur in various ways. Mostly unpleasant, it is usually surprising in nature and somewhat fucking irritating. The moment a splinter decides that a persona will be it's next home, it embeds itself rather fast into the extremities, usually the fingers, palm, toe and soles of the feet though the last one might be rare due to the thick layer of keratin. Regardless, once this process happens, it is accompanied by a sharp, shooting pain which immediately causes a startled high pitched gay-like scream roar of various profanities. An example;

Subject A: So I was like fuck that man, there are limits you know.
Subject B (Friend participating in an active conversation): And then?
Subject A: I wanted to think of some kind of rebuttal that's not gonna- FUCKCIBAIBABIANJINGSIALKIMAK. Ah. Adeh. Fuck. Shit. What the hell?.

As demonstrated above, the profanities which are cried out in a painful manner are usually assorted in terms of languages, followed by minor, low volume inquiries; usually monologues, of what happened.

Pictured: Pain. Not Pictured: Splinter entering toe.

Now, with the splinter embedded neatly in skin and flesh, there are two possible scenarios on what happens next. It depends on the position of the splinter. If it is directly the toe (The why the fuck is my toe hurting when I walk position), discovery will be immediate and extraction (refer to number 2) will be swift. However, there comes a point in which the splinter is placed on the side of a toe (The Devil's Dick position) which is rare but the complications are high. This will be discussed later. In the Devil's Dick scenario, the splinter might be discovered much later when it causes much fuckery irritation.

2. Extraction.

As discussed before, the Why-The-Fuck-Is-My-Toe-Hurting-When-I-Walk position is much easier in which the splinter is fairly new and if lucky, has not fully embedded in the skin and flesh. Henceforth, extraction will be easy by using tweezers (recommended) or nail clippers (fairly risky). This will usually lead to zero complications and a well lived life forever after.

However, in the Devil's Dick scenario, it could take a turn and spiral out of control. Due to the nature of the splinter embedded, it is not easy to locate and all the more difficult to extract. This is largely due to the fact that earlier on, the splinter is only firmly attached in the keratin layer but as time goes by, the friction between toes and obstruction leads to tunneling or piercing of the splinter into the raw unprotected flesh below. When this scenario occurs, pain ensues and while 85% of the population would sit down and proceed to executing a full body search, the remaining 15% always have a positive outlook on life and disregard the pain as just a minor fluke. Strangely, studies have proven that this 15% are usually not fucking retarded. In fact, they're actually pessimist but it could probably mean that the two negatives makes a positive theory is true. Digression.

The extraction process in this scenario is mainly difficult and often complicated because the splinter has embedded deep in the skin and often into the flesh area. Tweezers are usually contraindicated in these situations mainly due to the fact that it tickles. A lot. Therefore, the nail clipper is preferred, even when it could cause some damage. The first thing that must be done is to clear or cut off the skin covering the splinter itself. This in its very entirety poses a threat due to the chance that the splinter being pushed even deeper and causing more pain and possibly bleeding and let's face it, trying to operate on your own feet is very fucking taxing on the back and also on the mind. Regardless, once the skin is removed, the splinter must now be very carefully pinched by the surprisingly not-so-easy-to-pinch nail clipper and removed slowly and all this must be done while the subject is squirming and cursing. Possibly kicking you in the face and spitting but that's the occupational hazard. 75% of the time, the not-so-easy-to-pinch nail clipper morphs into the very-easy-to-cut nail clipper and then... Then there's suffering.

The most common reaction. Minus the dark lord look.

It is inevitable, therefore there has been a solution. While preferably sedated, the subject must now watch and bear the pain as the pinching method is deployed. The area around the splinter must be pinched as hard as possible so that a minor but of it is exposed and the nail clipper must be used again. This has lead to countless arguments over the use of euthanasia because the subject usually cries out in agony and begs for mercy. This is the last chance of extraction and if there is failure, any more ideas of extraction must be shunned from the possibly twisted mind for the good of the subject.

3. Complications.

Common in the Devil's Dick scenario, it could range to minor discomfort to a full blown what the fuck situations. Pain will not be discussed due to it's life preserving mechanism (Message from the author: Remember kids, pain is t3h gewwwddd...) The most common complication is having to walk around with a constant irritation in the foot. This has been known to cause CURIPUBS or CUrsing In Public Syndrome or to the bat shit insane where subjects manually amputate the affected toe using household appliances. However, for those who persevere, the pain usually goes away mainly thanks to the Oompa Loompas in the body going round sprinkling pixie dust. Or something. Whatever.

Death has been reported mainly due to the fact that the splinter enters the blood stream through random wormholes and they sprout into trees in the body. Mental instabilities and substance abuse is also common due to the depression which sets in after the subject realizes that he or she can't even extract a fucking splinter.

Not pictured: The Devil's Dick. Also, wounds from substance abuse. Damn make up.

Others include mainly moronic trials of extraction with fire (NOT fireproof), acid (NOT invincible), sucking said splinter (strained back), and so on.

4. Conclusion.

The increase in splinter cases and their outcomes have been on the rise and due to the fact that it's a splinter, subjects usually laugh at the notion of going to the doctor. It is, of course, quite outrageous for one to be charged a fucked up amount of moo-lah just for a piece of wood. Researches are now furiously trying to come up with a device which would allow swift and painless methods of extracting splinters. Some include the SplinSor which senses the presence of potentially harmful splinters and explodes when it detects one. It's supposed to be attached on the subject's foot, somehow, having your foot explode into tiny chewable pieces is one of the solutions to the unsolvable problem. 'If you don't have a foot, you can't get a splinter' is their motto. Many great figures have recently joined this group of researches, including Dr. Frankenstein, Jack the Ripper, Botakchin, Vlad the Impaler and so on.

Dr. Frankenstein was too busy in his lab to participate.

And dude.

Splinters suck.

Thank you.