I remembered the time in my life where death never seemed to bother me. It occurred to me once in a while, as an afterthought most of the time but it never persisted as something. I do not attribute it to being immature because the fear of death I think, comes along with experience rather than maturity.
On my eighteenth birthday however, I still remember it quite vividly to be honest, I found myself carrying a coffin of a recently deceased relative to be buried. I remembered not feeling anything at all inside, feeling empty and nonchalant; I was just helping in the burial. When it was time to carry her into the grave, I felt her head brush across my hand and all I could think of was how stiff it was.
I guess me being dense and everything, the whole event did not disturb me in any way. Yet, the seed had been planted and it began to grow and its roots began to gnaw at my conscience ever since.
It is fair to say that I fear death. I do not fear the judgement which would be passed to me when I leave the world, no, for I believe that whatever happens then will inevitably happen and it's of no use to be pondering over it. What I am afraid of is in fact, leaving the world itself. It is not that I'm concerned over the fashion in which I would inevitably die, I already have a few predictions to be honest but my attention is more spent towards what I leave.
I am an egoist, in which I honestly believe that I am great. I have illusions of grandeur and most of my thought process daily is quite fictional. For instance, in the event of seeing an attractive woman, I would conjure up classic tales of saving a damsel in distress only that I put said tale in a container and I start to inject more and more imagination into it. It would go on to such lengths where I could no longer remember how or what made me conjure up such a convoluted tale. It keeps me amused though, and I am not ashamed of it. My point is that being this egoist that I am, I feel the need to leave behind a legacy, a legacy so great that I would end up with a following. What I also am is a pessimist and I fear I see not the day in which I could achieve that. How could I really, everything that I do seem to fall to pieces and I have not the attention span to pay heed to it.
I'd like to have achievements, something which my children would be able to recount as I have done when one asks about my lineage. Truth of the matter is that I have huge shoes to fill, and looking at myself, I fear that I would only bring about embarrassment. Both my father and late grandfather has been labelled saints by all who knew them well and it moves me, how is it possible that a single man, a mortal could achieve such status. Countless times I have been told about the deeds of aforementioned people, and they weren't whispered, they were shouted, followed by unanimous agreements. How is it that I am supposed to live up to that?
It's a wonderful thing really, living alongside such great people, to be by their side and to not be forgotten by them but I, sinful little me, the envy consumes me. I remembered being told by my parents, and they meant it with all their heart and I quote "We do not want you to be comparing yourselves against anybody, each and everyone of you have different fields in which you excel in, we've seen it, you know it, so I don't see the reason why you would want to compare yourself to the others." Charming people, my parents.
I honestly care not about heaven and hell. It is not that I do not believe in them, it's just that I think it has become a concept which tears us apart. I am not pious yes, definitely but I refuse to believe that God, the one who is Omnipotent, no, who is Omnia itself, could be as shallow as a mortal man. I refuse to believe that He would look down upon the world and say 'Yeah, you know what, I'm only allowing Muslims to get into heaven.' I refuse. It is a fucking stupid thing to actually believe that a Muslim who prays five times a day and fasts and does everything in the book but is in truth a paedophile could go into heaven but a Christian or a Jew who lives a peaceful life and preach about good will and tolerance would not. God is not that shallow.
People kill each other for the promise of something better after death and what disturbs me is that they truly believe that it will happen. Never mind the countless children they made into orphans, never mind being part of spreading hate, never mind anything, they believe that hey, this is what God wants, and it'll all be fine... If God's voice could be heard by us mortals... I believe that all we'd hear is sobs of despair.
On my eighteenth birthday however, I still remember it quite vividly to be honest, I found myself carrying a coffin of a recently deceased relative to be buried. I remembered not feeling anything at all inside, feeling empty and nonchalant; I was just helping in the burial. When it was time to carry her into the grave, I felt her head brush across my hand and all I could think of was how stiff it was.
I guess me being dense and everything, the whole event did not disturb me in any way. Yet, the seed had been planted and it began to grow and its roots began to gnaw at my conscience ever since.
It is fair to say that I fear death. I do not fear the judgement which would be passed to me when I leave the world, no, for I believe that whatever happens then will inevitably happen and it's of no use to be pondering over it. What I am afraid of is in fact, leaving the world itself. It is not that I'm concerned over the fashion in which I would inevitably die, I already have a few predictions to be honest but my attention is more spent towards what I leave.
I am an egoist, in which I honestly believe that I am great. I have illusions of grandeur and most of my thought process daily is quite fictional. For instance, in the event of seeing an attractive woman, I would conjure up classic tales of saving a damsel in distress only that I put said tale in a container and I start to inject more and more imagination into it. It would go on to such lengths where I could no longer remember how or what made me conjure up such a convoluted tale. It keeps me amused though, and I am not ashamed of it. My point is that being this egoist that I am, I feel the need to leave behind a legacy, a legacy so great that I would end up with a following. What I also am is a pessimist and I fear I see not the day in which I could achieve that. How could I really, everything that I do seem to fall to pieces and I have not the attention span to pay heed to it.
I'd like to have achievements, something which my children would be able to recount as I have done when one asks about my lineage. Truth of the matter is that I have huge shoes to fill, and looking at myself, I fear that I would only bring about embarrassment. Both my father and late grandfather has been labelled saints by all who knew them well and it moves me, how is it possible that a single man, a mortal could achieve such status. Countless times I have been told about the deeds of aforementioned people, and they weren't whispered, they were shouted, followed by unanimous agreements. How is it that I am supposed to live up to that?
It's a wonderful thing really, living alongside such great people, to be by their side and to not be forgotten by them but I, sinful little me, the envy consumes me. I remembered being told by my parents, and they meant it with all their heart and I quote "We do not want you to be comparing yourselves against anybody, each and everyone of you have different fields in which you excel in, we've seen it, you know it, so I don't see the reason why you would want to compare yourself to the others." Charming people, my parents.
I honestly care not about heaven and hell. It is not that I do not believe in them, it's just that I think it has become a concept which tears us apart. I am not pious yes, definitely but I refuse to believe that God, the one who is Omnipotent, no, who is Omnia itself, could be as shallow as a mortal man. I refuse to believe that He would look down upon the world and say 'Yeah, you know what, I'm only allowing Muslims to get into heaven.' I refuse. It is a fucking stupid thing to actually believe that a Muslim who prays five times a day and fasts and does everything in the book but is in truth a paedophile could go into heaven but a Christian or a Jew who lives a peaceful life and preach about good will and tolerance would not. God is not that shallow.
People kill each other for the promise of something better after death and what disturbs me is that they truly believe that it will happen. Never mind the countless children they made into orphans, never mind being part of spreading hate, never mind anything, they believe that hey, this is what God wants, and it'll all be fine... If God's voice could be heard by us mortals... I believe that all we'd hear is sobs of despair.
No comments:
Post a Comment