What.
Well then. I now officially withdraw myself from photography indefinitely.
Why.
Well, I guess it is simply because I am not putting as much of an effort in it as I did before. I used to photograph things as a passion and lately, it's becoming somewhat of a chore. I used to be happy when I do it, now it stresses me out, there's not enough props, there's no readily available model, equipments are fucking shit, things like that. I still have so much love in it, don't get me wrong.
I just believe that you should do things that makes you happiest and even then it is still not enough. You must be happy and content in which at the end of it, you can justly say that 'Yeah, it cannot get better than this'. In the state that I am right now, there is no way I can do it. I refuse to do it as a chore, as something mundane, something job-related. It might just be the thing that destroys my love for it.
Where I went wrong.
I'm a hard person to impress, harder still to be content. I also take criticism way too harshly at times, it's the ego, I believe. So I guess I pushed myself too far into the crowd, too eager and with way too much expectation. I firmly believed in my talents, and well as always, I fell from grace.
This place... Is destructive and while it might be a bad excuse for one to seek the incentive, I believe it has a role. I think that I might continue this when I'm on more stable ground, perhaps when I'm back in Malaysia.
What Now?
Now... Now I lie in bed with suicidal intentions. It's a painful thing to let go, I assure you. In all seriousness though, I do have a few items to accompany me.
First of all, I'm not going to call it quits completely. I will still take photos on trips and occasions but not in a serious sense any more. I'm no longer going to ponder upon techniques and visualise images after images, not going to try and construct a reflector from scratch, nothing which will make me go the extra mile any more. So yeah.
I guess I came to a point where I have to choose between being a writer and being a photographer. For a long time now, I've juggled between the two and have never really concentrated on any. All this with Lady Medicine still ramming it up my arse six days a week and it all goes to shit. So when I started my new novella, I found that I could no longer do it and I had to choose. Since writing is much, much more life preserving, I went with it. I need to concentrate on something for a change and with writing, I can at least not worry about equipment and such. I have my mind and my laptop, and it is enough.
If you ask me for the truth, I'll say that I actually can handle all of them and reach a certain point of excellence. However I must say that I am far too much of a lazy candy-ass to make it work. It has been extremely frustrating; the rejection, the lack of subjects, the fucking equipment and most of all: The vision. I have millions of things which might look awesome but I do not have the means to make it happen. That is insanely depressing.
Now, I'm just going to focus on writing. It's been a while since I've had this sort of vigour and I believe that it would be very ungrateful of me to let it go to waste.
TL;DR: No more photography.
Well then. I now officially withdraw myself from photography indefinitely.
Why.
Well, I guess it is simply because I am not putting as much of an effort in it as I did before. I used to photograph things as a passion and lately, it's becoming somewhat of a chore. I used to be happy when I do it, now it stresses me out, there's not enough props, there's no readily available model, equipments are fucking shit, things like that. I still have so much love in it, don't get me wrong.
I just believe that you should do things that makes you happiest and even then it is still not enough. You must be happy and content in which at the end of it, you can justly say that 'Yeah, it cannot get better than this'. In the state that I am right now, there is no way I can do it. I refuse to do it as a chore, as something mundane, something job-related. It might just be the thing that destroys my love for it.
Where I went wrong.
I'm a hard person to impress, harder still to be content. I also take criticism way too harshly at times, it's the ego, I believe. So I guess I pushed myself too far into the crowd, too eager and with way too much expectation. I firmly believed in my talents, and well as always, I fell from grace.
This place... Is destructive and while it might be a bad excuse for one to seek the incentive, I believe it has a role. I think that I might continue this when I'm on more stable ground, perhaps when I'm back in Malaysia.
What Now?
Now... Now I lie in bed with suicidal intentions. It's a painful thing to let go, I assure you. In all seriousness though, I do have a few items to accompany me.
First of all, I'm not going to call it quits completely. I will still take photos on trips and occasions but not in a serious sense any more. I'm no longer going to ponder upon techniques and visualise images after images, not going to try and construct a reflector from scratch, nothing which will make me go the extra mile any more. So yeah.
I guess I came to a point where I have to choose between being a writer and being a photographer. For a long time now, I've juggled between the two and have never really concentrated on any. All this with Lady Medicine still ramming it up my arse six days a week and it all goes to shit. So when I started my new novella, I found that I could no longer do it and I had to choose. Since writing is much, much more life preserving, I went with it. I need to concentrate on something for a change and with writing, I can at least not worry about equipment and such. I have my mind and my laptop, and it is enough.
If you ask me for the truth, I'll say that I actually can handle all of them and reach a certain point of excellence. However I must say that I am far too much of a lazy candy-ass to make it work. It has been extremely frustrating; the rejection, the lack of subjects, the fucking equipment and most of all: The vision. I have millions of things which might look awesome but I do not have the means to make it happen. That is insanely depressing.
Now, I'm just going to focus on writing. It's been a while since I've had this sort of vigour and I believe that it would be very ungrateful of me to let it go to waste.
TL;DR: No more photography.
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