Zufar Ismail Zeid: Combo Breaker.

I slept for 19 hours today. Today? How does one even categorise most-of-today-and-half-of-yesterday?

I should be studying. I want to study. But now in a fucking freak fucking fuck fucking fuck situation, my laptop decided that it wants to be in silent mode. So I can't listen to music any more. So now I can't fucking study. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I looked at the photos that I was tagged in before and it's awkward. It's like looking at the progress of a recluse throughout the years. How did I manage to smile that much and how did I manage to have that much people around me? It's a fucking question that I can't seem to get out of my head now.

I want to study. Fuck fuck fuck.

I found a game, those weird simulation shit that basement-dwellers seem to value more than their lives. I downloaded it and the main reason I actually considered playing it was that a little bird told me that there was quite a lot of fap-worthy content in it. So, okay, yeah, why the fuck not. Look at the title: Disability Girls. Okay, weird, still. Played the game. Go into depression. Not only can I not fap to whatever fappable contents there is, the storyline (Which, from a writer's point of view, is fucking brilliant) actually lunges and stabs one in the fucking gonads. And heart.

I guess it's the fact that there's so many broken characters in it. There's always some sort of fucking luggage, some sort of 'Fuck you, leave me alone and don't motherfucking prod into my fucking life' kind of shit that litters the game. It feels... Familiar, in a way. Should be made into a film, really. It's twisted, yes. Here you are, trying to get into the pants of women with no arms, or no legs or no sight or no hearing or half burnt bodies but behind that seemingly fucking straightforward appeal(?) there lies a sphere of manly fucking tears. God damn. God damn. God damn. Lilly; forever entombed in memory.

Yes, for what it's worth, I actually do feel like a pervert. Then I think about how I don't care about what you think. Then I further elaborate the point by knowing that you can't do anything about it. So I happily ~~unzip my pants and bathe the world in alpha juice~~ go on with my life. Seriously though, if it is to be considered; what's wrong with a disability. I don't exactly see the point in feeling ashamed when being around disabled people. They know they're disabled, you know it, so what's the point in trying to sugar coat your words.

Let's take an example. You meet a blind person. Fall in love for some weird reason (Fetish? Fetish.). Then when you go out to a new place, you feel awkward cause here you are, going 'Look at that! Look at that! Look at that!' when she can't fucking see. Then you apologise and live your whole life wishing that you're blind too.

You candy-assgot. That's what I don't get; that awkwardness. If it's a new thing and she can't see, fucking describe that shit to her. In detail. Like to the most extreme detail that even an autistic would miss. Don't be fucking sorry. She doesn't feel sorry, so why should you?

I am obviously looking way too deep into this fucking game.

Fuck that deaf cunt.

People are weird. I don't think I know how to communicate with them any more. There was this dude from Germany who came to visit my housemates and I couldn't talk to him. He introduced himself and I shook his hand and that was it. My friend had to intervene and say 'Oh, yeah, and that's Zufar.' I actually wished he had went on and said I was a freak of nature, that would've solved my problem. There's no more charm in strangers. Well, there is, but once they start to speak to you, the image is shattered.

That said, maybe I should work in a mental institution. Since everybody, is insane, I'm pretty fucking sure that there's bound to be something interesting that would happen everyday. Food for thought, I guess. I don't even fucking know what to do after school any more. Everybody is saying 'Do it for the passion!' or 'Do it for the money!' but that shit doesn't make sense to me either way. What about doing it just because you're doing it? For no reason? That's acceptable? Why must there be a reason when one wants to do something?

The novel is coming along well, I guess. I've got some things laid out for the plot progression. It sucks though, Getaran Jiwa is the easiest of the trilogy and I have no idea how to arrange the mountains of shit into a storyline for the next parts.