Contrary to what people actually think, I find myself quite religious. Not exactly pious of course, but I have my reasons.
To be more exact, I'm interested in the ideology of faith. Why people choose to believe instead of just saying 'Ah, fuck it, who the fuck cares'. That itself is such an interesting thing. Why subject one's self to a set of rules when in reality one can have none.
I am a Muslim. That is a fact and not even the most radical of the follower could tell me otherwise. I guess this post could be regarded as the story of how I came to embrace my faith the way I do it. Why I'm so different, I guess.
I used to be extremely pious. I'm not even shitting you, I did the whole thing. Praying 5 times a day - Or even more - and fasting and all that. My parents thought I was to grow up to be a scholar and I guess I did in a way. I remembered talking to God, actually knowing that he's there and looking at everything with awe; this is God's handiwork and fuck, it's awesome.
I was in primary school then, and I roughly remember being in the third year. There was this guy, Syed something was his name. We got to talking and then he started talking about religious studies after school. I was like 'The fuck is that? I don't go to any of that'.
I can still remember everybody going 'Holy fuck!' which of course puzzles me. Is it not enough to pray and all that and appreciate the life of being a Muslim? Does going to religious school seal the deal of being a Muslim, then?
So, as kids are, they began to insult me. I didn't know the Arabic letters at all at that point and at one point; something which I will never forget, they wrote two funny things on the board. They asked me to read it and I'm like 'Fuck if I know'. Then they said this:
'This means Allah and this means Muhammad. You can't even read the names of God and the Prophet and you call yourself a Muslim? You're a Kafr."
So, at a tender age of nine, I was introduced to the concept of being a Kafr. Being a Kafr means that one does not know how to read the Arabic letters. Being a Kafr means that you don't go to a school that teaches you all these things. Being a Kafr means you are mixed. Being a Kafr means that even if you can fully appreciate the beauty of Islam, it doesn't count. Being a Kafr means that your relationship with God on a personal level does not count. Being a Kafr means that you cannot be yourself.
So there I was, a nine year old, being verbally abused about things that were so foreign to me every single day. I was surrounded by racists and they too were nine years old. Fantastic world we live in. I was influenced by their words and all of the sudden, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I went home and I prayed, and I asked God to help me out and still I was at a lost.
So who the fuck was I being so emotionally attached to all these years? If it wasn't God, who could it be? If I was actually a Kafr, then obviously something was wrong there. Then my pet bird died. This was actually pretty damned important part cause I remembered being this nine year old who prayed to God for his pet bird to be revived and it still stayed dead. I lost my faith at that point.
Or at least I thought I did. I spent the next few years not giving a fuck about anything religion related. I'm not shitting you, back then, I was an atheist. I had no faith whatsoever in God. Then I went to High School. I met this Ustazah and she was this straight edged woman. At one point I asked her this:
"Tell me, let's say a person has done nothing wrong or at least very little wrong in his life. His life is dedicated solely to doing good. However, he is not a Muslim. Will he go to hell?"
Yes, the Ustazah said. He will definitely go to hell.
"Okay... So if a Muslim does a lot of bad shit in his lifetime and is only a Muslim by title, he will get into heaven?"
Well, the Ustazah said, he'll be punished for it, then admitted into heaven.
I cannot even begin to elaborate how fucked up that made me feel. All was not lost though. I realised that I was not actually an atheist. I was more of an agnostic, I believe in God but people made me feel so bad about the way I do it. Then I began to read about Islam, took a deep dive into the many hundreds of minds and it made me realise that fuck this. I am a fucking Muslim and if everyone says that my Islam is wrong then fuck them and fuck their views. I'm going to believe in God the way I know how to and no one is going to stop me.
I did just that. They said that piercing your ear is wrong, I said that the God I believe in is far too superior to actually give a fuck about how I look and if I wear an earring or not. They said that you must devote your life to Him and care more about the afterlife, I say fuck that, I'm pretty sure that God does not want me to live my life as a beggar.
They problem is that these mullahs and these so called Ustadz want to make you believe that there is no other way to praise God and be one with him other than their way. You play the musical instrument?! BLASPHEMER! They deny the basis of logic based thinking and rely solely upon the fatwas and they ramblings of equally mad men. They tell you that you are unfit to think for yourself and that you definitely need their help. Satan is all around you, you need their protection. These same men go home and beat their wives or abuse their children or do things that would make the angels weep. That's alright, of course. Just don a robe, put on a white skullcap and you look as good as the prophet (PBUH).
I'm not saying that they are all the same. No, that would be shallow and stupid. One of the reasons that returned my faith was this incident. I was playing truant and just fucking around the area behind my school when this guy who looked like a hobo stopped me. He asked me if I had any food with me and I said no. He was like 'Ah, shit, been fucking starving man'. Then he asked me why I wasn't in school. I told him that school's a fucking joke, what we learn is not exactly applicable in real life. He looked at me and asked me simply: How do you know?
I obviously got into defense mode and told him that obviously no one would bloody use Add Maths to fucking buy a pack of crisps and shit. Again he asked me: How do I know that? Eventually I just gave him a look like I'm a fucking retard and he just laughed. These words I will carry to my grave:
"Look man, the thing is, you don't know. You don't fucking know and you're just assuming all these things. You need knowledge, you need to learn, you need to have an inquisitive mind, that's the only way you can be sure of yourself. And even then, are you completely sure you're right? A guy tells you something, do you just blindly agree with him or do you deny him? If you did one of that, then you are a fucking idiot. If you choose to be silent and find out more yourself, then you win my respect. I might be a bum but I am still a human and earning the respect of another human is a great thing."
That's the problem with the world innit? The smart fucks are bums and hobos while the fucking idiots sit high up on their throne of gold.
"The earth isn’t spinning because you told it to do so. Your intestines aren’t digesting by your command. You’re made up of a trillion cells who don’t ask your permission before offering their rakats. And we think submission is applying strict discipline to our worship? We think surrender is about not eating a pig? It’s just not that small to me. i can’t fit my deen into a neat little box, because to me everything comes from Allah. Birds sing Allah’s name. to say Allah is in this book and not that… do you know who you’re talking about? the Allah that made you from a clot and clothed in flesh… Allah is too big and open for my deen to be small and closed." - Michael Muhammad Knight.
Eargasm of the day: I ramble too fucking much.
To be more exact, I'm interested in the ideology of faith. Why people choose to believe instead of just saying 'Ah, fuck it, who the fuck cares'. That itself is such an interesting thing. Why subject one's self to a set of rules when in reality one can have none.
I am a Muslim. That is a fact and not even the most radical of the follower could tell me otherwise. I guess this post could be regarded as the story of how I came to embrace my faith the way I do it. Why I'm so different, I guess.
I used to be extremely pious. I'm not even shitting you, I did the whole thing. Praying 5 times a day - Or even more - and fasting and all that. My parents thought I was to grow up to be a scholar and I guess I did in a way. I remembered talking to God, actually knowing that he's there and looking at everything with awe; this is God's handiwork and fuck, it's awesome.
I was in primary school then, and I roughly remember being in the third year. There was this guy, Syed something was his name. We got to talking and then he started talking about religious studies after school. I was like 'The fuck is that? I don't go to any of that'.
I can still remember everybody going 'Holy fuck!' which of course puzzles me. Is it not enough to pray and all that and appreciate the life of being a Muslim? Does going to religious school seal the deal of being a Muslim, then?
So, as kids are, they began to insult me. I didn't know the Arabic letters at all at that point and at one point; something which I will never forget, they wrote two funny things on the board. They asked me to read it and I'm like 'Fuck if I know'. Then they said this:
'This means Allah and this means Muhammad. You can't even read the names of God and the Prophet and you call yourself a Muslim? You're a Kafr."
So, at a tender age of nine, I was introduced to the concept of being a Kafr. Being a Kafr means that one does not know how to read the Arabic letters. Being a Kafr means that you don't go to a school that teaches you all these things. Being a Kafr means you are mixed. Being a Kafr means that even if you can fully appreciate the beauty of Islam, it doesn't count. Being a Kafr means that your relationship with God on a personal level does not count. Being a Kafr means that you cannot be yourself.
So there I was, a nine year old, being verbally abused about things that were so foreign to me every single day. I was surrounded by racists and they too were nine years old. Fantastic world we live in. I was influenced by their words and all of the sudden, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I went home and I prayed, and I asked God to help me out and still I was at a lost.
So who the fuck was I being so emotionally attached to all these years? If it wasn't God, who could it be? If I was actually a Kafr, then obviously something was wrong there. Then my pet bird died. This was actually pretty damned important part cause I remembered being this nine year old who prayed to God for his pet bird to be revived and it still stayed dead. I lost my faith at that point.
Or at least I thought I did. I spent the next few years not giving a fuck about anything religion related. I'm not shitting you, back then, I was an atheist. I had no faith whatsoever in God. Then I went to High School. I met this Ustazah and she was this straight edged woman. At one point I asked her this:
"Tell me, let's say a person has done nothing wrong or at least very little wrong in his life. His life is dedicated solely to doing good. However, he is not a Muslim. Will he go to hell?"
Yes, the Ustazah said. He will definitely go to hell.
"Okay... So if a Muslim does a lot of bad shit in his lifetime and is only a Muslim by title, he will get into heaven?"
Well, the Ustazah said, he'll be punished for it, then admitted into heaven.
I cannot even begin to elaborate how fucked up that made me feel. All was not lost though. I realised that I was not actually an atheist. I was more of an agnostic, I believe in God but people made me feel so bad about the way I do it. Then I began to read about Islam, took a deep dive into the many hundreds of minds and it made me realise that fuck this. I am a fucking Muslim and if everyone says that my Islam is wrong then fuck them and fuck their views. I'm going to believe in God the way I know how to and no one is going to stop me.
I did just that. They said that piercing your ear is wrong, I said that the God I believe in is far too superior to actually give a fuck about how I look and if I wear an earring or not. They said that you must devote your life to Him and care more about the afterlife, I say fuck that, I'm pretty sure that God does not want me to live my life as a beggar.
They problem is that these mullahs and these so called Ustadz want to make you believe that there is no other way to praise God and be one with him other than their way. You play the musical instrument?! BLASPHEMER! They deny the basis of logic based thinking and rely solely upon the fatwas and they ramblings of equally mad men. They tell you that you are unfit to think for yourself and that you definitely need their help. Satan is all around you, you need their protection. These same men go home and beat their wives or abuse their children or do things that would make the angels weep. That's alright, of course. Just don a robe, put on a white skullcap and you look as good as the prophet (PBUH).
I'm not saying that they are all the same. No, that would be shallow and stupid. One of the reasons that returned my faith was this incident. I was playing truant and just fucking around the area behind my school when this guy who looked like a hobo stopped me. He asked me if I had any food with me and I said no. He was like 'Ah, shit, been fucking starving man'. Then he asked me why I wasn't in school. I told him that school's a fucking joke, what we learn is not exactly applicable in real life. He looked at me and asked me simply: How do you know?
I obviously got into defense mode and told him that obviously no one would bloody use Add Maths to fucking buy a pack of crisps and shit. Again he asked me: How do I know that? Eventually I just gave him a look like I'm a fucking retard and he just laughed. These words I will carry to my grave:
"Look man, the thing is, you don't know. You don't fucking know and you're just assuming all these things. You need knowledge, you need to learn, you need to have an inquisitive mind, that's the only way you can be sure of yourself. And even then, are you completely sure you're right? A guy tells you something, do you just blindly agree with him or do you deny him? If you did one of that, then you are a fucking idiot. If you choose to be silent and find out more yourself, then you win my respect. I might be a bum but I am still a human and earning the respect of another human is a great thing."
That's the problem with the world innit? The smart fucks are bums and hobos while the fucking idiots sit high up on their throne of gold.
"The earth isn’t spinning because you told it to do so. Your intestines aren’t digesting by your command. You’re made up of a trillion cells who don’t ask your permission before offering their rakats. And we think submission is applying strict discipline to our worship? We think surrender is about not eating a pig? It’s just not that small to me. i can’t fit my deen into a neat little box, because to me everything comes from Allah. Birds sing Allah’s name. to say Allah is in this book and not that… do you know who you’re talking about? the Allah that made you from a clot and clothed in flesh… Allah is too big and open for my deen to be small and closed." - Michael Muhammad Knight.
Eargasm of the day: I ramble too fucking much.
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