Lately I've been feeling like goddamned Delirium/Delight from Gaiman's Sandman. You know, utterly insane yet strangely cool with the whole fucking thing. This concerns me.
I've been lazy. More so than the usual bit, this time around it's like a fucking merry go round of endless disturbed sleep-cycles and unlimited deprivation of everything. And dreams. And fucking dreams.
I thought I was a cynical guy before. Stuck in a chasm, a void of dark tidings and bad news and never really being affected by anything. Then I realised that hell, I was never really cynical before, going through this whole course is the only fucking way one could actually be cynical. No, I'm not saying that it's because there's death all around and kids being ill and shit, no man, that's fucking bollocks innit. It's just that being a medical student means that you look at humanity as an object which could be broken and consequently needs fixing. You cease to see people as people, you see them as a mechanic would see a car.
No, of course not all medical students/doctors see the common populace that way. Some of them have that fucking ability to bond with their patients like they were long lost twins or something which irks me not because they can, but because they do. But of course, saying something means being a mega-gigga dick so I brood, and I watch, and I brood some more. However, I can tell you that every single Medical associate does this: Observe. It doesn't matter where you are, what you do, what clothes you wear, whatever. Whenever you're with one of us, you're actions are being observed, maybe not in an outright manner but nonetheless. It's something that has been implanted in us, the need to be extremely observant, to the point that most of us -gladly?- adapt it into our lives. A slight limp? Differentials are being done right in the brain about your condition. A rash? Look at the other symptoms, no, don't ask her, just look for them, if you really think it's liver failure - The eyes, look at the colour of the eyes! - then come up with a stealthy question. She wouldn't know what you're doing, man, come on, she's not one of us...
Eventually patients will be just another set of numbers. I remembered this one time a few years back, one of the fathers of the family called us medical students and he said that 'Whatever you do, have a connection with your patients. Don't let yourself see them as just numbers on beds, you must see them as human beings'.
Yes, it sounded noble. I thought that yeah, I could do that shit. But when we see the reality of the matter, the gravity of it all, being emotionally connected to patients is a shitty fucking decision. It's nice, yes. Patients want that but the burden of having to see the people you've connected with fucking die because of your own failure, is megatonnes more fucked up than when you fail to safe a number. Yes, it would suck, but then you would not feel like your existence is for naught. There is a reason for doctors to be the jackasses that they are, it's a self-preservation mechanism. Without it, you'll watch a fuckload of doctors becoming patients. Nobody gets this apparently, everybody wants Doctors to be some sort of diddling, fiddling folk hero but fuck man, the reality of the matter is so much more grave. They are humans too.
What surprises me the most is when all that shit comes out of a medical students own mouth. For the love of everything holy, how could that even be possible. This doctor sucks because he treats patients like so and so, this doctor is so and so. Come the fuck on. Especially here in hell, where the patients-doctor ratio are through the roof, you cannot expect the doctor to fucking indulge in every fucking whim the patient throws at him/her. That'd be suicide. Still you have these fuckers going 'Ah, that doctor is fucking rough, he doesn't care about his patients at all'. You see one patient of his. Only one. Who knows, maybe he has fifteen others to treat and you know nothing of it. Fool of a Took.
I swear, if another fucker comes to me complaining about the whole thing, I will wait until he finds himself in that situation and I will laugh at his inadequacy.
*
Productivity is at an all time low. I haven't wrote anything in months. I assert this to the fact that all my pending work is in my laptop's hard drive, but really, that's just an excuse to procrastinate. I feel... Useless. Inadequate. Lazy. Cheap.
For some bloody reason, I've been getting a lot of fucking questions about what I'm going to do in the future, like serious motherfucking questions. I don't fucking know, people, I can't even bring myself to get up and go to class most mornings, how the fuck am I supposed to know about what I'm going to do three years from now. It's great that some of the people I know already have well laid out plans and shit, I applaud, I really do feel glad for you (Not really). But you can't expect me to have the same level of preparation, considering I don't even fucking know what career path I'm going to take after this. A mate actually asked me to follow him to try for housemanship in London and while I was flattered, it was pretty damned insane. Yes, it's awesome but considering he's the smartest student in the batch, I can really see it happening for him but myself? I still self-sabotage my own fucking life.
*
Before the customary Eargasm of the Day thingy, here's something that would help anybody to discover the fuck awesome music out there. It's called Musicovery, and it's awesome.
Musicovery
Eargasm of the day:
 |
| Add that to the list of women I'd kill to be with. |
I've been lazy. More so than the usual bit, this time around it's like a fucking merry go round of endless disturbed sleep-cycles and unlimited deprivation of everything. And dreams. And fucking dreams.
I thought I was a cynical guy before. Stuck in a chasm, a void of dark tidings and bad news and never really being affected by anything. Then I realised that hell, I was never really cynical before, going through this whole course is the only fucking way one could actually be cynical. No, I'm not saying that it's because there's death all around and kids being ill and shit, no man, that's fucking bollocks innit. It's just that being a medical student means that you look at humanity as an object which could be broken and consequently needs fixing. You cease to see people as people, you see them as a mechanic would see a car.
No, of course not all medical students/doctors see the common populace that way. Some of them have that fucking ability to bond with their patients like they were long lost twins or something which irks me not because they can, but because they do. But of course, saying something means being a mega-gigga dick so I brood, and I watch, and I brood some more. However, I can tell you that every single Medical associate does this: Observe. It doesn't matter where you are, what you do, what clothes you wear, whatever. Whenever you're with one of us, you're actions are being observed, maybe not in an outright manner but nonetheless. It's something that has been implanted in us, the need to be extremely observant, to the point that most of us -gladly?- adapt it into our lives. A slight limp? Differentials are being done right in the brain about your condition. A rash? Look at the other symptoms, no, don't ask her, just look for them, if you really think it's liver failure - The eyes, look at the colour of the eyes! - then come up with a stealthy question. She wouldn't know what you're doing, man, come on, she's not one of us...
Eventually patients will be just another set of numbers. I remembered this one time a few years back, one of the fathers of the family called us medical students and he said that 'Whatever you do, have a connection with your patients. Don't let yourself see them as just numbers on beds, you must see them as human beings'.
Yes, it sounded noble. I thought that yeah, I could do that shit. But when we see the reality of the matter, the gravity of it all, being emotionally connected to patients is a shitty fucking decision. It's nice, yes. Patients want that but the burden of having to see the people you've connected with fucking die because of your own failure, is megatonnes more fucked up than when you fail to safe a number. Yes, it would suck, but then you would not feel like your existence is for naught. There is a reason for doctors to be the jackasses that they are, it's a self-preservation mechanism. Without it, you'll watch a fuckload of doctors becoming patients. Nobody gets this apparently, everybody wants Doctors to be some sort of diddling, fiddling folk hero but fuck man, the reality of the matter is so much more grave. They are humans too.
What surprises me the most is when all that shit comes out of a medical students own mouth. For the love of everything holy, how could that even be possible. This doctor sucks because he treats patients like so and so, this doctor is so and so. Come the fuck on. Especially here in hell, where the patients-doctor ratio are through the roof, you cannot expect the doctor to fucking indulge in every fucking whim the patient throws at him/her. That'd be suicide. Still you have these fuckers going 'Ah, that doctor is fucking rough, he doesn't care about his patients at all'. You see one patient of his. Only one. Who knows, maybe he has fifteen others to treat and you know nothing of it. Fool of a Took.
I swear, if another fucker comes to me complaining about the whole thing, I will wait until he finds himself in that situation and I will laugh at his inadequacy.
*
Productivity is at an all time low. I haven't wrote anything in months. I assert this to the fact that all my pending work is in my laptop's hard drive, but really, that's just an excuse to procrastinate. I feel... Useless. Inadequate. Lazy. Cheap.
For some bloody reason, I've been getting a lot of fucking questions about what I'm going to do in the future, like serious motherfucking questions. I don't fucking know, people, I can't even bring myself to get up and go to class most mornings, how the fuck am I supposed to know about what I'm going to do three years from now. It's great that some of the people I know already have well laid out plans and shit, I applaud, I really do feel glad for you (Not really). But you can't expect me to have the same level of preparation, considering I don't even fucking know what career path I'm going to take after this. A mate actually asked me to follow him to try for housemanship in London and while I was flattered, it was pretty damned insane. Yes, it's awesome but considering he's the smartest student in the batch, I can really see it happening for him but myself? I still self-sabotage my own fucking life.
 |
| That's strangely accurate. |
Before the customary Eargasm of the Day thingy, here's something that would help anybody to discover the fuck awesome music out there. It's called Musicovery, and it's awesome.
Musicovery
Eargasm of the day:
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