Happy Endings.

It's always a happy ending in my case. Only I'm not in it.

Call me a loser, call me immature, I don't give a fuck.

I'm tired; tired of fucking trying out and putting a lot of effort in it when deep inside, I know that it's all in vain. I hate myself, truly, for not listening, not fucking giving up when I should.

I need to get away from it all. From family, from people I know, people I love, people I hate, all of them. There is one way, not really sure bout how to do that though. We are Asians and our way of life fucks up most of my plans.

That crunching feeling in my gut, that inevitable white flag which is going to come up, that little silent voice in my head which tells me: That's it for you.

They should fucking know better. They should know of my emotionally impulse-driven destructiveness directed to myself. They should fucking know. Yet they go ahead with it, what's the worse that could happen.

Sometimes, I feel like going to them and pound some fucking sense into their minds but hell, that would be 'inappropriate'. Nothing I do is right, what they say is an ultimatum, it's either that or the streets. I openly admit that I am not ready for the latter.

Still...

What the fuck. Sitting on those steps made me feel all the worst. If I had a full length mirror, I'd prolly would have screamed at it and destroyed it. I look pathetic. People say that when you look at others' sufferings, you are glad that you aren't in that position. Bullshit, sometimes in life, the smallest problems could be extremely destructive. Fuck being emotionally unstable, it's literally killing me. God help me. Seriously.

I should steal a large sum of money and go away. I don't see sense in staying. Wrong, I don't want to fucking stay. Surrounded by people that irritate me is not that tormenting as being surrounded by the opposite. And they don't even know it. They don't know it. They don't fucking know it. They-

Sigh

I can write that over and over again. A few years ago I would laugh at who I am now. A few years ago, I would've punched who I am now and tell: Get the fuck up. You're embarrassing me.

I try occupying myself with shit to keep my mind off whatever is bothering me. It doesn't work, not when *Slams keyboard on impulse.*

Excuse me.

Maybe I should just severe connections with certain people? Easy, I know but the consequence of that is pretty ugly. Call me narcissistic but I have a reputation that I maintain. Think that's fucking corny huh? Well, fuck you who are you to fucking judge me huh? Family? Friend? You fuckers don't even know who I am, what more try to make an effort to fucking do so.

Yes, I'm fucking venting out my fucking anger to you fuckers. I bottle it up when I should, big mistake. I'm letting it out now. You think I care if you get offended? Well fuck that, beats me cleaning up your shit and not saying a word about it. I can't fucking stand you who go around me acting all normal and shit when you're fucking itching to fucking tell me shit. I'm fucking tired of fucking taking care of you when you can fucking take care of yourself. I'm fucking done with making you feel good of yourself when basically there's nothing fucking wrong with you. I'm tired of you fucking parading around when in your heart, you know that you can afford to do so because you have me to fucking label as a scapegoat. I'm fucking tired of you Muslim fanatics that uphold your so called fucking justice when you don't even fucking know the truth. I'm tired of you fuckers that grin in front of everybody but fucking complain and go all fucking emo around me, Defend yourself you stupid fucker, YOU STUPID FUCKER. I'm fucking through with you depending on me too much. I fucking can't stand you when you try to make an effort when I clearly already said no. You're just not my fucking type and you fucking irritate me you fucking retard. I'm tired of slaving myself to you. I am tired and frustrated and I'm this close to buying a gun and shooting myself. I'm this fucking close to doing something that I don't want to do.

I'm fucking tired of myself making an effort.
I'm fucking tired of seeing your face everytime I wake up.
I'm fucking tired of myself not saying all this earlier.

I hope you all get offended. Toodles.