The Past.

There's one thing awesome about just sitting at home alone with nothing to hear except the cars outside on the road. You start to think. Well, to be fair I start to think but anyways, fuck that. You start to think of what is and what was and what will be. You think about how you got here and where you're going, you're brain starts to conjure up images and scenes of what could've happened if you had taken that road instead or what would probably happen if you take the one in front of you now.

Occasionally, it gets to the point when you start to reminisce about those days.

I keep on thinking of who I was back then. 5, 7 years ago when all that seemed to matter was do I have enough money for this and that and not giving a shit about anything not related to play. Yeah, those days. One point in particular keeps popping up. The early years in high school. Yeap, this is gonna be one fucked up post.

I was admitted into Methodist High School after fucking up my UPSR and not getting into a boarding school, something which at that time seemed the world to every 12 (or 11) year old kid. I wasn't down about the whole mishap, I was pretty much non-nonchalant, to say it in simpler terms, I couldn't give a shit.

Getting into a school in which you're the only Muslim was pretty cool I guess. Everybody stared, and everybody inquired. Of course, there was the occasional hate but hell, where does that not happen. Now, the one thing that I realised I was at that time was this: I was an annoying little fuck. Little as in I was seriously midgety short and annoying, well, let's leave that till further notices.

See, I thought I was special. I mingled with everyone, thought it was so damn cool for me to score a 96 on Bible Knowledge, to curse. What I didn't know was something else was brewing. All that shit lead to more arrogance and vanity, I kissed more ass at that period of time just because I can. Come to think of it, if I could go back in time and find myself, I'd sock him in the fucking jaw.

I thought I was that kid. I went to school happy, came back happy and slept happy. Till one day, that huge bubble around me was busted open with a metaphorical chainsaw called.... Hmmm... I have no idea. Anyway yeah, that shit ended with the whole batch of form 2s screaming at me. Literally. I mean, the usual shit came out ya know. Stuff about religion, about race about how I'm a fucktard. I still haven't forgotten what was said to me coz heck, that shit sticks with me. In a good way I guess, I mean one of the leaders of that verbal assault against me proceeded to become one of the persons I trust most today. Now, how the fuck did that happen ey? Anyway basically it all came to me then. I was nothing I thought I was. I was just a fucking annoying kid.

It all went downhill then. Teachers hated me (I told my English teacher that the time of having a heart attack is not going to be far now), nobody liked me and I failed BM. *Laughs hysterically* Yeap, I am one of the few select that actually failed BM. I guess my morbidity started there. Also, I began to write. No not emo shit like EVERYBODY HATES ME HAIKU. Nah, just normal stuff ya know. Life wasn't that bad. There were still people who actually talked to me, Indonesians mostly and hence, my respect to them will never wane.

Then I progressed into form 3. It all changed at that time. I hated myself for being that goody to shoe fuck. Going round telling people what they want to hear and giving them that false fucking hope just so that they'd like me. It became a layer of grime around me that can't be washed away. So then, I became honest. To other people, I became an asshole. I started breaking rules, skipping school and feeling real good about it all. Then, I broke most of my policies.

I only have three of them and frankly it's all broken now. It's always no ciggies, no booze, no drugs but heck those are out of the window. Yay me.

I started to get into trouble, got into fights (Out of school, wouldn't wanna let the Mom fnd out now...) and it was all so liberating at that time. Then it all went okay I guess, I did get spiked in the ribs that made me stop all the stupid fights. I became who I am. The morbid, ego-maniacal cursing fuck. And loving it.

I mean to see the comparison between me and that fuck from 7 years before, I can't find one similarity in our personalities.

This is why I hate the past. Corny as shit.

Sometimes...

1) There's too much work and too little time. Sometimes, there's too much time and too little work. Either way it just sucks.

Yeah this happens to everyone. Those weeks when every fucking thing seems so packed, you can't even light a cigarette without a fuckfinn going up to you and asking you to return to thy duties. Those weeks. Reality starts to bite at your heels and you feel like screaming, screaming... screaming. But of course, you have a reputation to protect so you flick the cigarette away and smile and go back to your duties.

2) Some commercials lack power.

Example 1: Haiti Earthquake foundation. Seriously, if you want to raise enough money to help disaster struck areas, show them the real deal. Show them in the posters how grotesque and DEAD people are there. Show them bloated babies, show them people meshed in wire. Show them naked hot babes running by the seaside with their- I mean; show them dead naked hot babes! It doesn't do shit if you show them a kid with a bandaged head. Nobody gives a shit bout that and thats the reality of it. Morale died a long time ago.

Example 2: Junk Mails. "You have inherited 2000000000000000000 dollars! Got to www.youarestupidandbouttogetspammed.com and give all your important documents' details there! Sincerely, Mr I-SPAM-YOU-BITCH"

I mean seriously. Seriously. I know, of the 6 billion people out there, there must be some fucktards that is bound to go "OMG! I WUN!" but come on, widen the fucking perspective. Nobody inherits nothing from anybody nowadays, especially not when these dead people are in the fucking Carribeans. Or Vietnam for fucks sake. Give a more convincing lie, say something discreet and plausible, after all, curiosity kills the cat. Or spams. Or... Whatever.

Anyway, if it were to go like this:

Sir,

This is to notify you that your participation in our seminar have yielded lucrative output for you. Please visit our site www.youarestupidandbouttogetspammed.com for more information on how you would gain your property.

Please be noted that if you fail to respond within a week of this letter, your prize will be awarded to the next participant.

Sincerely, Mr Jonathan Gomez.

Formal letter, plausible name, and fine print on the site.

Not the best but fuck, better than your shit bitch.

3) Loneliness can grasp you at any time.

This happens a lot. You're laughing along ith the crowd feeling gay as shit, cracking jokes, giving high fives when all of the sudden you look around you and those people you've just spent time laughing with have no idea who the fuck you really are. They know you superficially and they stop there, they don't make any effort to even probe deeper, not a tad bit curious whether you're secretly a hooker or whether you're hiding anything. Then you ponder whether are you the problem, did you cause this have you been subconsciously pushing people away... If you're like me, you'd eventually grin and realise heck, so what if you're too outwardly complex that no one can truly pry you open, be proud of it. Be proud because the little percentage of people that you can find are the ones who you can truly keep and treasure. It becomes a filter and holy fuck in God's name I'm fucken glad I have it.

4) Things never make sense.

Well of course. You were expecting a sandwich at lunch but an egg comes. You expect your wife to come home but turns out she already went 'home' (HA-HA!). You expect your boss to like you after the presentation you gave but the next day he fired your ass off. You expected one thing. You never get it.

This is probably the best thing that could happen when one is a pessimist. You never expect anything. You expect 0 in every exam, you get 10 and it cheers you up. You find your wife in bed with another guy, heck, at least she's still there. Your best friend stabs you in the back, hell, you've got another person's burden to let go off. See how awesome it is? You never expect, hence you never get disappointed.

Point is, stop whining and move on. Stop telling others how hard it is to live bla3. Everybody else is already so full of life's shit to have yours piled up on them. Except for gullible people. My god, what would life be without them.

Anyways, yeah, move along.

Migraine.

I woke up today with my neck stiff and a slight headache. Well, fuck it I thought, who doesnt ey?

Went back to sleep and woke up an hour later with the stiff neck gone but with a really really bad headache. Couldnt get any worse so I decided to relax and lie down a bit. Then as Murphy and Nostradamus predicted it got worse.

Looked for drugs; legal ones, I swear, and found nothing, no analgelsic, no nothiing. So I uh... watched House XD

Fell asleep again and woke up when Bhai Zaim and Azhar came back. Asked for drugs; again, legal ones, bt nope, nothing there. So I decided to think on what the fuck is going on. Lying back makes me feel better, okay. Walking kills me and sudden movements seem to trigger a time bomb in my eyes. Then someone; in pain you cant think straight, gave me Ponstan so yeah, those shit are pain killers, even though its used for menstruating pain. Popped one, no effect. It got worse.

I realised that I was dehydrated. Which meant my blood pressure increased and a fun fact bout Mefenemic Acid or its trade name Ponstan is that:

Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) may worsen hypertension. Persons with hypertension, left ventricular dysfunction and heart failure may wish to avoid NSAIDs.

Yeah. Easily said the headache was made twice as bad and heck, Murphy must be laughing his dead ass now...

So yeah home experiment failed and when the pain was at 6/10 finally I found paracetamol, which had been there all along....


Which is boring, I guess.

The busy button on the phone is pretty much the most useless thing in the world. There's always the time where you'll accidentally press it when someone's about to tell you something important. Usually that someone doesn't call back but heck, I wouldn't too. Fuck man, that shit is offending. Calling up someone and getting rejected? Tsk tsk.

I have no idea why I'm writing this. It's so fucking boring.

Caffeine poisoning.

Is rare.

But holy fuck when it happens, it really hits ya.

Lets review.

What's caffeine?

Caffeine is a stimulant found in coffee, tea and many soft drinks. Unlike most psychoactive substances, it is widely consumed and unregulated in virtually all jurisdictions. Sudden caffeine withdrawal can cause drowsiness, headaches, irritability, nausea and vomiting. The following steps will help you identify and treat a case of caffeine poisoning.

Symptoms

Large doses of caffeine can cause an increase in anxiety, depression, difficulty sleeping, excessive urination, heart rate, nausea, restlessness and vomiting. It may also decrease your levels of calcium, iron and potassium.

CHECK.

This usually includes the recent consumption of at least 250 mg, accompanied by some of the following: anorexia, confusion, diuresis, excitement, nausea, rapid heart rate, tremors and vomiting.

CHECK.

Abuse of caffeine.

CHECK. Uh yeah, definitely.

Continuous caffeine consumption with nicotine consumption has been associated with more than doubled caffeine plasma levels.

CHECK.



Holy shit. Sometimes, stuff that you know could never happened, happens. Shit.

Ah well.

To the Phai: I did it bitch, I fucking did it. Not at all pleasant though, the vomitting was really fucked mate, I couldn't stop shaking for quite long. Turns out ciggies really causes the shit to go into overdrive... Phai, I'm typing this shit and my body is still swaying from side to side... Took a whole jug of it and probably the cafffeine from yesterday was still in my blood XD Who said that you need illegal shit to get high. Now I'm getting stomach cramps...

My advice?

Do it.

Let's be frank shall we.

I think my point has been proven. Malaysia is where fanatics are bred in staggering quantities, brought up and sent out into the world to make more fanatics.

Why?

If in the unfortunate event that you happen to be in the same place that I am i.e. Egypt, just take a look around. Take this scenario for example.

Me: Assalamualaikum.

Cab Driver: Waalaikumsalam. Get in.

Me: *Ignorance is bliss but since it was gonna be a long trip...* You're a Muslim?

Cab Driver: Nope. Look. *Raises wrist to show the tattoo of the Coptics*

Me: Awesome mate.

This man, who is a Christian could answer my Salam. Take another scenario.

Me: *Offers hand to some M'sian dude*

Him: *Makes a face and ignores*

Another dude: He's like that. I mean, you've got a piercing man, doesn't really go with his mindset.

Me: Honestly, man, what the bloody fuck.

A Christian, I repeat, a Christian, could fucking answer my fucking Salams and a fucking Muslim brother can't even take my hands because I fucking pierced my ear? You've got to be fucking messing around with me.

Of course, then I get some shallow little motherfuckers who tell me that they're Egyptians ergo they have a limited brain span and are therefore inferior to them.

See, I use to try and convince myself that this can be cured, this fucking disease that eats up our society and no one actually gives a shit about it; it can be cured. I deluded myself for so long, I'm convinced now there ain't no cure. Actually there is; it's a fucking firing squad.

Now I reply: Grow the fuck up you fucking vermins.

I don't give a shit if that guy is fucking Hitler or Shi Huang fucking Ti, if that person is a non Muslim and can answer my Salam, that person is automatically a person I respect. No, it is not because I'm fucking gullible or naive or shit like that, I'm perfectly aware of that person's capability to fucking fuck up my life one way or another. For example, the Cab Driver could piss me off by asking for more money or kidnap me etc etc, Hitler could and did kill 6 million Jews and Shi Huang Ti... well, he did eat balls of mercury, that's reason enough. That shit doesn't fucking matter. He at that time, did not judge me based on my religion, he took what I said in the context of what I said which was:

'Peace be upon you'.

It's funny. The widespread corruption that has enveloped our society in M'sia is not in the form of the New World Order, not in the form of Communism, hell it's not even in the form of Anarchy. It's, sad to say, where everybody thinks that the most simplest phrase, the most good-willed phrase, can only be used by Muslims. What's worst is that what started all this is because this fucken self-declared Ulamas and Ustadzs are the one that went skipping and frolicking around in their robes and fucking serbans telling everybody that: No! Non-Muslims must stay the fuck away from anything that is Islam.

I've been around Non-Muslims all my life and it's sad, honestly, because when it comes to talking bout religion, it all comes to this phrase: My Malay friend told me that I can't touch the Qur'an/ that Malays can't keep dogs as pets/ Muslims can't pierce etcetera. Best part is that here these fuckers are, condemning these people that they're gonna go to hell. I know it's common fucking sense but I'm just gonna say it. How the fuck are they gonna fucking know anything about our religion if pests like you fuckers keep them away from their only source of information?

I've got people asking me to relax, take a fucking chill pill because to them I'm overreacting. How can I not overreact, this is plain fucking injustice going on in front of my fucking eyes and I'm supposed to go around laughing it off?

Oh and of course, here comes the trump card of theirs. 'You don't even fucking pray and you wanna talk about all this stuff?' Oh wait, they'd say it like this: 'Ah kau, dahla tak sembahyang, bajet ko boleh nak cakap pasal mende-mende camni la.' (In reference to the tone and way of speaking of a person I know.)

That just mean that you have really bad definitions.

I clearly am not pious mate, which when narrowed down means: I don't pray, I don't keep in touch with the big guy upstairs and frankly, its hard to actually give a damn. On the other hand, I am quite the religious bastard i.e. I think of the big guy upstairs and what he said, I think of what other people claim their big guy upstairs said and I debate and debate and debate in the quest to find religious truth.

That, my friends is the difference to both.

Anyways, in reference to what I've said, I can, and ultimately will, talk about all this stuff cause not praying doesn't fry my brains, listening to those self professed Ustadz will eventually do just that. Don't believe me? I'll see you down the rocky road mate.

It's funny to know that everyone expects me to just meet them and then magically turn into a pious (Definitions, people.) pompous fuck. I wonder who the fuck it was that told me that hidayah is a journey. Meh, I'll fuck, drink and smoke till I get there I guess.

Why did I even bother writing this? People don't read it, and those that do have their own ideologies to defend/shove into other's throat. The reason is simple.

1) I read about the church burnings in M'sia. It pissed me off.
2) It's to incite that small spark of thought. I'd like to think that it goes a long way ya know, like a parasite, it occupies the host and yoou can't get it off. Maybe, just maybe, some people would give this some thought.
3) I'm in pain.

I'd like to say sorry, sorry in the very essence of how an apology should be, to everyone who has been in contact with me for these past... 2 weeks I guess. Yeah, I have the tendency to ignore people when my mind is cluttered and yeah, it is. So yeah, sorry, whatever.

On second thoughts, I'm really bad at apologies and I see no point for it so yeah I take that back. I was consciously ignoring you people because you guys bore me half to death and yeah, solitary living doesn't sound that bad.

And I have been frank.

Ciao.

What has been going on lately?

Finals are coming

Lack of sleep is complemented with an increased intake of coffee and cigarettes.

2010 made it's debut. Silently.

Anyway, about 2010.

It's fucking overrated. I mean come on it's just a new fucking year, why the fuck is everybody making such a big deal about it? And yes, I do realise it's already 5 days into the new year, fuck it.

If you think I'm overreacting and making a big deal about all this then check this out:

IT'S 2010!!! It's finally here! Omg, 2009 was so bad, especially the time when I lost my bag and all my friends weren't there to help me. That's the worst time of my life!!! 2009 is definitely blacklisted in my calenders. (The rest is removed by yours truly due to the irresistable need to thrash his laptop when he reads it.)

I honestly think that's reason enough.

I do understand that it's the new year, bla3, time for change and all that. Okay, fine, absolutely nothing wrong with that to me. What pisses me off is the fact that some people have to go on rambling about 2009 and all the shit that happened in it. Dude, like fuck I care what the fuck happened to you or your fucken friends, can't you just let it go and move on?

Oh and those people who post shit stuff on my facebook wall aught to be shot.

Ah well, forgive and forget ey?

Arrnyways.

The Silmarillion is pretty hard to read, shit, there's too many fucking names. Sigh. Tho... Manwe is a fucking pussy.

I've realised that my writing frequency has diminished to almost zero. I jus can't find shit to refer to. Damn externals. Dammit all. I'm losing touch with what makes me the most happy. think thats the greatest tragedy.

Losing myself. That's a pretty fucked up thought... Losing myself...