The Past.

There's one thing awesome about just sitting at home alone with nothing to hear except the cars outside on the road. You start to think. Well, to be fair I start to think but anyways, fuck that. You start to think of what is and what was and what will be. You think about how you got here and where you're going, you're brain starts to conjure up images and scenes of what could've happened if you had taken that road instead or what would probably happen if you take the one in front of you now.

Occasionally, it gets to the point when you start to reminisce about those days.

I keep on thinking of who I was back then. 5, 7 years ago when all that seemed to matter was do I have enough money for this and that and not giving a shit about anything not related to play. Yeah, those days. One point in particular keeps popping up. The early years in high school. Yeap, this is gonna be one fucked up post.

I was admitted into Methodist High School after fucking up my UPSR and not getting into a boarding school, something which at that time seemed the world to every 12 (or 11) year old kid. I wasn't down about the whole mishap, I was pretty much non-nonchalant, to say it in simpler terms, I couldn't give a shit.

Getting into a school in which you're the only Muslim was pretty cool I guess. Everybody stared, and everybody inquired. Of course, there was the occasional hate but hell, where does that not happen. Now, the one thing that I realised I was at that time was this: I was an annoying little fuck. Little as in I was seriously midgety short and annoying, well, let's leave that till further notices.

See, I thought I was special. I mingled with everyone, thought it was so damn cool for me to score a 96 on Bible Knowledge, to curse. What I didn't know was something else was brewing. All that shit lead to more arrogance and vanity, I kissed more ass at that period of time just because I can. Come to think of it, if I could go back in time and find myself, I'd sock him in the fucking jaw.

I thought I was that kid. I went to school happy, came back happy and slept happy. Till one day, that huge bubble around me was busted open with a metaphorical chainsaw called.... Hmmm... I have no idea. Anyway yeah, that shit ended with the whole batch of form 2s screaming at me. Literally. I mean, the usual shit came out ya know. Stuff about religion, about race about how I'm a fucktard. I still haven't forgotten what was said to me coz heck, that shit sticks with me. In a good way I guess, I mean one of the leaders of that verbal assault against me proceeded to become one of the persons I trust most today. Now, how the fuck did that happen ey? Anyway basically it all came to me then. I was nothing I thought I was. I was just a fucking annoying kid.

It all went downhill then. Teachers hated me (I told my English teacher that the time of having a heart attack is not going to be far now), nobody liked me and I failed BM. *Laughs hysterically* Yeap, I am one of the few select that actually failed BM. I guess my morbidity started there. Also, I began to write. No not emo shit like EVERYBODY HATES ME HAIKU. Nah, just normal stuff ya know. Life wasn't that bad. There were still people who actually talked to me, Indonesians mostly and hence, my respect to them will never wane.

Then I progressed into form 3. It all changed at that time. I hated myself for being that goody to shoe fuck. Going round telling people what they want to hear and giving them that false fucking hope just so that they'd like me. It became a layer of grime around me that can't be washed away. So then, I became honest. To other people, I became an asshole. I started breaking rules, skipping school and feeling real good about it all. Then, I broke most of my policies.

I only have three of them and frankly it's all broken now. It's always no ciggies, no booze, no drugs but heck those are out of the window. Yay me.

I started to get into trouble, got into fights (Out of school, wouldn't wanna let the Mom fnd out now...) and it was all so liberating at that time. Then it all went okay I guess, I did get spiked in the ribs that made me stop all the stupid fights. I became who I am. The morbid, ego-maniacal cursing fuck. And loving it.

I mean to see the comparison between me and that fuck from 7 years before, I can't find one similarity in our personalities.

This is why I hate the past. Corny as shit.