Mania; Part One.

Nowadays…

I feel dead inside,

Like a machine, I go about doing my daily chores and errands,

Numb; the cells dead and fossilized,

The blood in my veins stand still and coagulate,

My heart; it’s just a dry well.

Nowadays…

I feel old,

The demons of past sins claw and they gnaw at my brittle bones,

My hands tremble and they shake,

Nights are never peaceful but then again, so are the days.

Nowadays…

I look in the mirror

and all I see is a void, a deep black abyss,

Churning and turbulent, it has its teeth sunk so deep into my soul

That all I can feel in between the pangs of despair and numbness,

Is a deep stabbing pain.

Nowadays…

I lie down on a bed

With seven different women of seven different colours from seven different continents,

And all of them, they do seven different things which gives me the illusion of heaven,

Yet all I can feel, all this fragile soul can feel…

Cold.

Nowadays…

I look at the sky

And all I see are white clouds amongst the light blue sky,

Gone are the scene of angels and demons at war,

Gone are the different worlds which I used to play in when I was a kid.

All that is left is the monotonous white clouds amongst the endless blue.

Nowadays…

I try to talk,

But the only sound I have left is silent sobs,

I try to sing a happy song,

But all I can come up with is a lament to this crumbling decrepit world.

Nowadays…

I wake up in the morning,

Only to find my body rigid and paralyzed,

I see my soul hovering over me weeping,

It refuses to return into this prison,

This ugly feeble prison.

Nowadays…

I welcome the descend of chaos,

To wake up knowing that many have not the pleasure of doing so,

Going out and examining the splatter of blood against an unfortunate wall,

Watching the faces of wailing women as the martyrs are paraded,

I feel as if God is by my side.

Nowadays…

I see naught but an endless road,

One that I tread on, one that I’ve known since birth,

It goes on, across the horizon, over the rainbow and under the ocean,

I strain my eyes, I squint and I blink but all I see at the end,

Is myself, staring back, dead eyed.

Nowadays…

I fear everything,

People passing by, a balloon floating pass,

They conspire and they plot,

Cold sweat line my brows and my heart races,

The Sun, its malice pierces through.

Nowadays…

I am constantly pinned down,

The burden of being utterly useless,

Crunches down on my bones,

It bludgeons me, runs me down, I cry!

Bloodied and broken, I lie crumpled.

Nowadays…

I watch as pieces of myself,

Crumble and dissolve and disintegrate,

A million shattered pieces forming a trail of despair behind me,

I hug myself, fear grips and I shudder,

It does not help.

Nowadays…

Nowadays I fall,

And the ground, oblivion,

She welcomes me.