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Update

Hello, Doctor.

Lies

Look behind you and see the landscape formed by your life. All you see is a barren land, marred by disappointments and failures but here, take these, they are the eyes of a passing stranger, look again. Doesn't that forest just amaze you? The lush greenery, the birds, the endless possibilities; that is the desert that you perceive.

Look forward and gaze into your future. I know you're afraid, I know you see naught but darkness and misery and death - but not yours, no, you're going to live through hell - and I know all you want to do is close your eyes. Put your body into stasis and sleep forever. I gave you the eyes of a stranger, now have his heart. Feel the rush, the gallop, the drumroll and just inquire: Why is he not afraid? Why is he running towards the abyss, why doesn't he cower in the corner like you do.

He has your body, that's it. He will never be afraid again.

Now look around you and - no, don't tell me for I can see - focus on that loneliness and isolation. Nobody wants you, everybody hates you, you're always wrong, you're so stupid, give up, give up, just give up. Allow me to unlock your mind - only temporary, however - and now you can finally understand what it feels like to be envied. Out of the seven billion people out there, how could you have possibly imagined that not one of them might love you for who you are.

Now, forgive me but I must relieve you of the fantastic gifts that I granted simply because they were not mine to give away in the first place. Let's keep that a secret, shall we? Remember though, you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you have weapons now to arm yourself. All you need to do is move.

You don't even have to sprint, heck, you don't even need to go straight. Anywhere you go, everybody will be there by your side. Even if you fall, they will still hold your hand.

Sleepless Nights 86 - Where Did These Cobwebs Come From?

*

From neglect! From utter abandonment of your one true love! I stood by you all those years and you left me to befriend spiders and creatures of the void!

But I didn't mean to... I've just been busy... I underestimated the austerity of my schedule, believe me love, it is not without reason.

Hah! Your words mean nothing to me, not anymore. It stung, oh you better believe it did. Leaving me for all of the hers you now have in your life, it hurt but I stand here before you with every remnant of my compassion incinerated. I have naught for you but indifference, I grant not even hate to you.

Oh come now, you're overreacting, obviously. It's only been, what... Three weeks? Others have buried theirs without a single regret. I mean really, six months? Even more? Compared to them I take damn good care of you, little one.

They do not share our love. They care for nothing, their words are volatile, useless even. They want others to read what they write but I... I share your secrets, I have tasted your moments of brilliance and I have withstood your eras of delusion. And you left me. For them. The other ladies.

Look, I'm writing again, aren't I? Isn't that a good thing? I've been meaning to write, I really have, it's just that... Well, yeah, okay, I might've spent a little too much time with the others but it's... I'll always come back to you.

More lies. So much lies and you pride yourself in being an honest man. Go on then. Write what you want but know that you've reduced me to a simple piece of parchment, colourless and devoid of character.

Right. You'll be fine tomorrow then?

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit unloved now if you know what I mean.

Relax, I will never leave you.

*

You know, I've been wondering. Who exactly came up with the idea of spin dry? Who actually went ahead and shrugged his shoulder and thought 'Maybe if this piece of wet cloth is put in a barrel that spins fast enough... Yes... Maybe...'. Or did he see some young maiden that was running around with a wet piece of ass cloth and thought that if she ran faster...

Just a passing thought.

Internal Medicine has successfully raped me into silence. I am now relatively normal. I wake up in the early mornings (Mornings! Me! Can you even begin to imagine such blasphemy!) and I go to class and I come back a little after two. It's a routine. Holy humping Hanuman, I'm following a routine for once...

Pictured: Hanuman. Not pictured: Holy humping Hanuman.

Winter is here at long last. The first wave of rain has made its descent and well... One must play in the rain before it gets too cold. Or before they turn to rock and try to fuck your skull in. I suddenly find myself having quite a lot of sweaters and I'm pretty sure some of them are summoned from the hellrift itself. I can still sleep in boxers but this will not last long and well... Let's hope that this Winter is kinder than the last.

Hahaha. A kind Winter. Fucking hell, what am I smoking?

It's actually past my bedtime. Holy shit, I have a bedtime. It's like I'm slowly morphing into a responsible human being. This sucks massive flaming balls.

*

I have quit Nanowrimo. I am deeply, deeply distressed over this fact but it was a necessity. I had to choose between being a serious fucking student and writing; unfortunately for myself I chose the former. There are surprisingly little words that I can use to describe this whole shebang. It's like a cut inflicted on a diabetic foot. I can only hope that it doesn't fester.

I just heard that one of my best and closest friends is getting married. I think this is the first time in my life I've ever been this genuinely glad for someone else. It's a strange feeling. I should ponder upon this but oh look- I CAN'T BECAUSE I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

I have little time of my own nowadays. It's not bad per se but... It's just very different and I've never been a person that's kind to change. I find myself talking about general stuff with total fucking strangers and it sucks because they believe that I'm finally getting out of my fucking fuckshell and they're fucking fuckappy. I don't know, man, it's just a sudden transition and I don't know how to deal with this shit. I mean I get a lot of shit done nowadays, I actually feel slightly more responsible but it's just endless. Talking and talking and listening and laughing and pretending to laugh and talking some more and the next thing I know, I'll be old and tired and depressed because I could have been so much more...

Yeah, I'm going to bed now.

NaNoWriMo

Sleepless Nights 85 - Technological Upgrade

My knee hurts. I can't find words to describe it adequately.

Return of the King

Mixed

Social Media

Sleepless Nights 84 - Dogs.

Sleepless Nights 83 - Older.

My Bad.

I removed the Disqus commenting system from my page. Without prior backing up and syncing. Now all the comments after I installed Disqus is gone. Gone.

Gone.

Fuck. I... Fuck. Sorry, I guess, to whoever commented before. There's always... Other posts? I don't know, shit. Fuck all this. God damn it all.

Hudud in Malaysia - Yea or Nay.

What Ramadhan Means.

Important: I need tabs for this song. Please. Anybody.

Not Done Yet.

Sleepless Nights 82 - Physical Attraction

Human.

A Lifetime.

That fucking riff, I swear to God.

Thanks, Ophthal.

This song. Holy balls. Mira Asraf's voice makes me feel all warm and fuzzy in all the right places. Delish.

Unprecedented Clusterfuck

Feminism; Yea or Nay.

When broaching a somewhat sensitive and arguable topic such as this, I believe that it is of utmost importance to clear the air from any initial suspicion and state my side on this matter. Quite simply (And logically, if I may add) I am an advocate to equality. No, it is more profound than that, I insist upon equality.

So what is the use of bringing up the topic, then, if my mind is already made up? I don't know. Perhaps my boredom has gone to the point where it transforms into inspiration or perhaps because it bothers me much. Maybe because it's a popular topic to be discussed over some coffee but considering that my sociability is close to zero (Or in the negative), I'm forced to bring the topic here.

I'm going to be honest here and say that I don't know from whence feminism stemmed. Sure, a simple Google search would cure that supposed ignorance but then I ask myself: Does it matter? What use would it be to know the origins of an ideology but not understand the significance of it? I know the meaning of it and to me, that is enough. To support the rights of women and support their equality. That's it. Such a simple concept.

The fact that feminism has to exist is a testament to the failure of mankind. In fact, I believe that any movement that aims to stop the oppression and belittling of a group of people is a sad affair. It shows that we have a side to us that is so aligned to evil, so intent on establishing our superiority that we don't care at all about the fate of the ones that we so righteously attempt to rule over. It doesn't matter what race, religion or culture one is from. The very basis of being a good person constitutes looking at others and marking them as equals; if not in intelligence than at least in having rights.

I was brought up by a strong woman; much stronger than I am, truthfully. I was surrounded by positive role models in my family, our roots are very adherent to respecting others and so I was brought up with that value embedded deep inside my heart. It did not occur to me until very late that women were helpless, in fact I'm still finding it hard to believe. How is that possible, I thought.

So naturally I joined in. I donated the already meagre allowance to helping battered women, helped out with other charity work and once I even talked with a victim of domestic abuse. It was during one of these occurrences where I had my views challenged by none other than myself.

I was having coffee with a friend and she was telling me about a woman who was raped. This intrigued me somehow so I allowed her to continue. The woman in question went out to a club with her friends. At aforementioned club, she met a man who bought her drinks and so on. After a few hours or so, her friends decided that it was time to leave and went to collect her but she declined. She told them that the man was to see her home. One of the friends, of course, felt that it was not at all a sound plan and she continued to persuade her but to no avail. Giving up, the friends left. Long story short, the next day they found out she was raped.

So my friend asked me what I thought about it and at that point, I was conflicted. On one hand, I believed that it was the woman's fault that she so foolishly went ahead without sensing any folly in her plans. On the other, if I were to answer that, it would mean that I was ignoring this woman's plight by putting the blame on her. So I told my friend that while I understood the woman's pain, I cannot in good faith, absolve her from any blame. The truth was that she, without any prior thought to her safety, willingly gave herself into the arms of a man that she did not know at all and expected everything to turn out okay. Am I saying that she deserves it? No, not at all, rape is a heinous crime and should be punished by castration. What I'm saying is that she should have had the common sense to realise what she was doing.

Obviously my answer displeased my friend but I don't think the story would be of any interest. What followed was great because I had to stop and think about what I actually believe in. I want women to be safe, to not be harmed, to be able to go around doing what they do without fearing for their lives. That's a given. But I cannot fool myself into thinking that I don't care what they did to be placed in their distressing position. I'm not going to pretend that a woman who puts aside thoughts of safety and vigilance deserves my pity and help. If you go around being stupid and foolish and throwing caution to the wind, then what happens to you is your fault entirely.

Nowadays however, I'm greatly displeased to find that feminism has been twisted and perverted into such a hateful thing. I'm not going to lie; I've grown to earnestly hate this new feminism. A movement that once promoted equality for women has now transformed into this monster that demands superiority instead. Is it as bad as the SCUM manifesto by Valerie Solanas? Probably not. There is a minority that still believes in castrating all men etcetera but it is not the general consensus, thank God.

However, it still disturbs me. Well, what's the problem if women feels a little bit empowered, you might say. After all that oppression, don't you think they deserve a bit of slack? They're not hurting anybody by doing it, after all.

Well, what then is the use of equality in the first place? What is the use of dreaming of a future where we can all regard each other as equals if in the initial stages, we are already willing to give slack? What is the purpose of fighting for ideals when we aren't going to take it seriously?

The fact is, it is difficult. It is easy to say that one supports female equality but by observing the little details, we are faced with a tremendous task. True equality would mean that chivalry must cease to exist. A woman must get used to a life where your gender doesn't allow room for pampering. I know that people say that it's great if that's the case but I am not convinced at all.

Even now, when there has already been some achievements to this movement of equality, one still hears the lament of women about men who don't treat them the way they think they deserve. 'He didn't open the door for me' or 'He didn't pay for my meal' and so on. There is such a blatant double standard that it is really nauseating. All of this gives me the impression that the majority of women today are weak, pathetic creatures that cannot even open the door without assistance. Worse than that is knowing that they can but they are just too lazy to do so.

People are putting feminazi groups as the main threat to the feminist movement but I say that is absolute bullshit. The main threat to feminism is, unfortunately, the majority of the female population itself. They who believe that double standards are warranted, they who believe that women are weak and fragile, they who believe that men and the source of their problems but at the same time, believe that men should appear to them on glorious winged horses to save them from their plight.

So where does this leave me?

Yes to equality. No to feminism.

Sleepless Nights 81 - I'm Sorry I Abandoned You, Blog

Random Questions 4 - Special Edition.

Reposting this AGAIN because this song is fucking AMAZING. IF YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO IT, THEN FUCKING DO IT OR RISK MISSING OUT ON THE GREATEST SHIT IN THIS SHITTY AGE!

Sleepless Nights 80 - Agora; The Ultimate Rage Inducing Film

Only Mono can calm the flaming fury of my heart.

Dr. Teeth and That Bitch

Above: Bad-fucking-assery at its ultimately refined finest. Playing the koto will be a deal breaker when I start to scour the earth for a life companion.

Seriously, man. What the fuck. This blows my mind to the seventh circle of hell. That fucking traditional distortion!

Turkish Delights / Kembara Ketap Bibir Turki

The following are notes copied directly from a weathered notebook written by yours truly while in Turkey. Of course, certain details must be veiled for suspense's sake and because I particularly don't enjoy people exclaiming over small matters.

Brain Function Returning Gradually.

If You Participate In These, Hellfire Awaits.

This Will be Your Favourite Thing, My Ass.

I Never Asked for These Feels.

Random Questions 3

Sleepless Nights 79 - I Only Play Games That Allow Me To Kill

Picture unrelated. But it's a motherfucking badass Tibetan Mastiff. Pity they're so bloody expensive.

Love Me Some Lovegood.

Sleepless Nights 78 - Quitting Smoking and Failing Miserably.

Sleepless Nights 77 - How I Spent New Years Eve; From the Eyes of a Still Morbid 21 Year Old.

I quit smoking today. I have no idea how long it will last but I did. Last cigarette three hours ago.

I need a smoke so bad right now, my teeth are growing lips.

So. 2012.

It was a fucking blur, wasn't it? Here I am trying to think of something memorable and nothing came up.

And for some reason, I think that's a fucking good thing.

It was a quiet year, or at least for the most part. Had a good time when I went back home. Everything was... Peaceful. I got my license after overcoming my fear of driving. Well. I haven't managed to completely block the fear but... I'm getting there.

No relationships this year. That's a new one. It became too much of a tiring thing, I believe. I think I've got the hang of being all right with the thought of being alone. That is, until the next foxy thing comes along.

Mama had to go under the knife for her cervical vertebra. That was a bit of a scare. Dadhi wasn't doing so well too.

I lost my fingertip in an elevator accident. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Holy fuck I'm dying for a smoke. Probably need to put that Jasmine tea to good use then.

Lost some friends. It's only natural, as they say. Gained some new ones, apparently. Let's see how that goes.

I think there's something wrong with my facial recognition. The other day, this chic passed by me on the way to class. She smiled, I smiled, I said hello, we had a short chat and I had absolutely no idea who she was. She seemed familiar for some reason. Pretty, too.

What else... Got into an affair without myself realising. And then I realised what was going on and fuck it, I went along with it. Somehow, the governing bodies of the cosmos knew of it and didn't approve and it quickly died. I should be thankful for that, I think. She was nice about it, though.

Wrote some pretty acceptable shit. I should force myself to go to the next level. I'd probably die in the process.

I really don't want to write anything else because I'm craving for a fucking smoke so much. Fuck.

This year, I wasn't even woken up by the fireworks.